WESTSIDE  -  "Low Property Taxes", "Close to Wal-Mart", "No cicadas every 17 years" - These are some of the features that real estate agents on Cincinnati's westside are claiming this spring on the MLS.

The cicadas show up every 17 years, once in 1987,  and then in 2004.   Now in 2008, the eastside is getting the cicadas who can't do math.

At the absence of other reasons to buy on the westside,  realtor Jeff Swenson has really been pushing this feature in this spring's house sales.

"This second cicada wave is even a better selling point than I imagined," says Swenson of the reemergence, "Cincinnati house-buyers can avoid cicadas 3 times during a 30-year-mortgage."

"Although there honestly aren't many other reasons to buy on the westside, that's 4 months that you won't have to deal with the cicada noise or worry about finding that white cicada sperm on the bottom of your shoe," added Swenson.

On the other side of Cincinnati, eastside realtors are spinning the cicada infestation with a giant billboard on I-71 - "Eastside Cincinnati - Even the cicadas prefer to live here". 

Watch for a sign like this in front of   Burt Safer's house on Shady Grove Lane

COLUMBUS - The Ohio legislature voted today to do away with Ohio's antiquated payday loan industry, replacing it with obscure webzine writer and loan shark, Burt Safer of Cincinnati.

Legislators agreed that the payday loan industry's average APR of 391% was much too high, and that Mr. Safer's APR of only 365% was much more reasonable.  

For example, a debtor who takes out a $100 loan, and repays it over a 40 year period, could now save over $1000 using Safer's plan.  The savings from Safer's low DPR (Daily Percentage Rate) of only 1% per day really do add up.

Leaders of the Ohio House also agreed with Mr. Safer that the average 2-week term of a payday loan in Ohio is much too short.  Safer insisted that debtors could potentially underestimate the ramifications of high interest rate loans if the loans are restricted to a two-week time frame.

Under Mr. Safer's more transparent plan, loans would have a minimum term of three months,  assuming no helpful pre-payment penalties are incurred.  There would also be a low $5 dollar processing fee for every $50 that Mr. Safer has to pocket.   But that's not all -   Included in Mr. Safer's generous offer is a $20 wage garnishing surcharge.

"And with every loan, I am offering a free scratch-off lottery ticket," Safer told the Ohio Senate today.  Several State Senators immediately took out loans with Mr. Safer after hearing about the huge potential for savings.

CINCINNATI - Global consumer products giant Procter & Gamble is launching a rap label to help promote its TAG body spray and other product lines. 

The Dealer has obtained a transcript of a recent freestyle rap by the first hot recording star off of the label, who goes by the name "A.G.", an abbreviation for "A Gangsta":

A Skybus customer rebooks her travel arrangements

COLUMBUS - Whether by plane, train, or automobile, Skybus passengers are attempting to rebook their $10 flights with the competition.

Since Skybus has gone bankrupt, the airline is not required to rebook passenger flights with competitors. Not even a ticket with priority seating will help put a Skybus passenger in 1st class on a competing airline.

"I bought this expensive airplane ticket to Dallas on the Skybus for $10," said Jennifer Parks of Gahanna,  "And now I'm finding out that every airline charges a heck of a lot more.  Even Greyhound and Amtrak are charging more."

"Seems to me, they are just taking advantage of us because they know Skybus went bankrupt," Parks added.

Skybus executives were too busy revisiting an old Entrepreneurial Basics 101 textbook to answer reporters' questions. 

Hardhats provide protection against sky asteroids

CINCINNATI -  Drawing comparisons to a mock trial or a mock debate, local politicians staged a mock groundbreaking ceremony today at the site of The Banks, using plastic Play-Skool shovels and Tonka hardhats.

Today's toy shovel fun culminated a decade-long saga of imaginary playtime at the vacant lot between the two riverfront stadiums.

"This groundbreaking is the most groundbreaking groundbreaking ever," remarked Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory, "If we all close our eyes and pretend that this project is going to  happen, I believe our dreams will reach fruition almost... almost as if they were cotton candy clouds or gumdrop mountains."

The politicians' mock groundbreaking ceremony isn't the only imaginary part of "The Banks" history.  Some years ago, the politicicans even came up with an imaginary "Banks Working Group", which was never really a "Group" that was "Working", except when they all closed their eyes and went to their "happy place".

"I visualize that we will have a million condos, even more than The Ascent,"  County Commissioner Todd Portune told the crowd of friends, both real and imaginary, at today's mock groundbreaking ceremony.

"Plus a big screen movie theater, a magical garden center, the coolest shopping mall ever,  an office park, a park park, a hoverboard rental, and lazer tag, plus ginormous waterslides, and.. and a grocery store full of candy, and 3 Waffle Houses," continued Portune.

"All of this will be on top of the biggest coolest parking garage ever," he added, "And all of it will be completed by 2021.. make that 2035, at the latest."

CINCINNATI - While more Executives at Cincinnati's Berkeley Premium Penis Pills await sentencing for not enlarging penises, this week U.S. District Judge Arthur Speigel granted lasting power to the company, whose recent spike is in danger of peaking prematurely.

"Although I haven't seen any penises enlarged by their 'Enzyte' product," noted Judge Speigel in his decision, "I have noticed results of increased stamina with Berkeley's 'Prulato' product."

"Therefore, I am returning the favor of increased stamina to Berkeley's most essential sector, their credit card processing division."

Convicted CEO Steve Warshack expressed gratitude for Judge Speigel's gesture, calling this news the climax of his day. 

"I would like to thank Judge Speigel for increasing Berkeley's vigor and lasting power," said Warshak, "Although things are very hard for us,  this will improve our performance and endurance."

"Thanks to Judge Speigel,  our business won't wallow in impotence, nor will we last only a few minutes," continued Warshak, "This important decision will extend our company's growth and longevity for hours, possibly even all night long."

CINCINNATI -Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals CEO Steve Warshak of Forest Park was convicted Friday on four counts of non-aggrandizement and three counts of conspiracy to not engorge members.

Warshak's company sold Enzyte as it's premier "nutraceutical", a word that Warshak totally made up.  Enzyte's ingredients consisted of dehydrated molasses and maple syrup, at a precise ratio which Warshak claims gave him the penis he has today.

Berkeley made Cincinnati the penis enlargement capital of the world, and some say, put the "Forest" back in Forest Park.  However, federal prosecutors claimed that they didn't see results of Enzyte's advertised gains in length and girth. 

Although he faces 20 years for failing to enlarge penises, Warshak contends that he is personally responsible for over 150 miles in national manhood expansion.

"I stand by every mile," Warshak told reporters, "If anyone purchased Enzyte and still didn't experience at least a 24% gain in penile cubic centimers, I'd like to see photographic proof." [keywords berkley premium nutriceuticals steven warshack stephen worshak enzite]

As local bars look for ways to stave off the loss of business following the passage of Issue 5, which bans smoking in public places, Ex-Smokulator Inc. is finding its product in high demand.  The Ex-Smokulator device allows persons in an establishment to smoke tobacco outside of the establishment through a complicated and scientifically-designed arrangement of tubes and ball-valves.

 “We did fifteen installations this week alone,” said Jeter Dixon, an installation technician for the Durham, NC company.  “Our product is very popular with long-term smokers who are used to having a smoke down at their local watering hole.  And it’s no more inconvenient than breathing through an oxygen mask on an airplane or at the hospital.”

Asked about the legality of the device in light of Issue 5, Dwight Reynolds, CEO of Ex-Smokulator Inc. pointed out that no smoke issues into the atmosphere of the bar itself.

“Thanks to our patented smoke-routing technology,” said Reynolds, speaking by telephone from his North Carolina estate, “the smoker can enjoy all of the benefits of smoking while indoors, all safely within the law.”

Local smokers, testing the device, admitted that while it wasn't quite the same, they could see getting used to it. 

"It's costly, yes," said local bar owner Mick Elliot, "But if it'll keep me in business, I'm happy to spend the money." 

N. KENTUCKY - The Creation Museum, brainchild of Reverend Ken Ham (with help from God), is $2 milion over its initially projected budget.

We caught up with a worried looking God outside his home in Cheviot.

"I should have planned better," said God. "The Dragon Hall Bookstore alone cost over $500,000." 

Other items sending the Museum over budget included the Chaos Cafe, with 5 deep fat fryers and a slurpee machine, and the hyper-realistic dragon heads, designed to scare the incarnate devil out of children.

God is hopeful that the advent of hundreds of thousands of visitors will offset these additional costs. The museum, about 30 miles from Cincinnati, may prove to be a popular destination for many who are convinced that man, dinosaurs, and twinkling pixies were all carried to safety aboard a 200-foot ark.  

"Americans just aren't gullible enough to believe that they came from a fish," said John Morris, President of the Institute for Creation Research.  

God and the Reverend Ham just hope that Cincinnatians are gullible enough to believe they came from a hypothetical supreme being made entirely out of marshmallow.  

CINCINNATINGTON  - Local entrepreneur Nick Spencer has announced the folding of his Over-The-Rhine nightclub, alchemize, and with that, Spencer is using the occasion to unveil his new nightclub, club Gold.  The new venture will be even more groundbreaking and successful, says Spencer, especially due to the large capital "G" letter he plans to invest his savings in.

 "You know, I always regretted cutting costs with the lower-case 'a' in alchemize, and I think the bar suffered as a result," Spencer told reporters, "After the lower-cased lava closed, and business slowed down at alchemize, I saw the writing on the wall," adding "Or maybe that was graffiti. Regardless, I realized that no lower case letter in the alphabet has the pull of, say, a capital G."

The golden theme of "alchemize", which Nick says was originally also a sly nod to personal hero Rumpelstiltskin, has now come to full fruition with the new "Gold" club.  Spencer, a Renaissance festival devotee, often excitedly explains the ancient art of alchemy, (the art of "alchemizing" common household objects like baking soda into gold).  "club Gold," says Spencer, "was the natural result". 

Spencer's devotion to Renaissance-style themes is so single-minded, that it is no mistake he named last month's music festival after the tragic Renaissance character, Desdemona. 

club Gold will also feature a Renaissance-style theme.  The dress code will be capes and robes, with shield and sword accessories.  Spencer said the men must wear robes and tights, and leave the sneakers, jeans, and ball caps at home.

 Spencer also used the occasion to express his enthusiasm for Covington officials.  Answering critics who claimed he was abandoning Cincinnati, Nick Spencer wrote in a blog to his readers, 

"I don't think some of you 'C' the big picture. The number of votes I got in the city council election in Cincinnati would elect me in Covington.  I think we all agree that alchemize was something special but this club Gold with a capital 'G' is going to be huge."

Spencer denied that he was trying to enter the cities of Cincinnati and Covington into a bidding war, although he did repeat that he would need all the assistance he could get to help pay for that big shiny golden 'G' on the sign outside.