CINCINNATI - When a national advertising company refused to put up billboards attacking Jean Schmidt, Dealer investigative reporters smelled a coverup.

Shown below for the first time is the content of the proposed billboard boycotted by the Lamar Corporation.

The Democratic National Committee claimed that the billboards in Schmidt's Southwest Ohio district would say "Shame on You, Jean Schmidt: Stop Attacking Veterans." But would this lame, grammar-school scolding have warranted the boycott from the Lamar Corporation? We think not.

Painting Schmidt as the bald, yellow, nemesis of He-Man on the other hand called for an immediate response.

"I'm not sure where the Skeletor comparison came from," Leighton Hood, spokesperson for Representative Schmidt said. "But by the Power of Grayskull, we'll get to the bottom of this."

DOWNTOWN - Newly re-elected city councilman John "Lame Duck" Cranley was sworn in last Thursday. On Friday, Cranley vowed to leave within a year.

Unlike the previous top vote-getter on council who decided to pursue higher office and failed, Cranley vowed not to "pull a Pepper."

In announcing his intent to leave less than 48 hrs. of gaining office, Cranley shatters the records of other recent office-hoppers, Pat DeWine (three weeks) and Thad Matta (three years).

Cranley's announcement left political types wondering who would fill his seat on council within the year. Rumor has it that a certain mayoral loser is unemployed at the moment.

Cincinnati native, John Hicks became the 999th execution in the United States since 1977.  Capital punishment began again in 1977 after a 10 year hiatus.  The Cincinnati Dealer was fortunate to find that John Hicks graciously did not object to a final interview.
 
CINCINNATI DEALER:  So, how does it feel to be the 999th execution in the US since 1977?

JOHN HICKS:

CD: It’s a shame you didn’t make it to be the 1000th customer.  It turns out that Robin Lovitt got his sentence commuted to life.  Do you feel any bitterness having just missed the prize?

HICKS:

CD: Your request for a last meal included a Pepsi.  Is there any truth to the rumor that this was a product placement deal between you and the Pespi Corporation?

CD:  Ah, yes.  I see.  Coke certainly has caused you more than enough trouble in your life.  So what do you plan to do with your new found fame?

CD:  Yeah, it is kind of ironic that drugs got you into this mess to start with and the state chose to end it with more drugs, ala lethal injection.  You could say that you are almost a poster child for the “drugs kill” theme.

CD:  Ha, ha, ha.  I know.  I know.  I just can’t resist a good joke.  It’s good to see you are keeping a stiff upper lip all things considered.

CD:  Mind if I smoke?

DOWNTOWN - Newly-elected Mayor Mark Mallory announced his choice for Vice-Mayor on Monday:  Principal Skinner. 

It comes as no surprise to most supporters that Mallory chose Skinner for the position. 

"I can't have any scandals during my tenure," Mallory explained at Monday's press conference.  "And the only way to insure that there are no scandals is to pick a man even more harmless than me.  That choice was quite clear."

Mallory, who lives with his parents and doesn't drink alcohol, found common ground with Skinner, who lives with his mother, doesn't drink alcohol, and doesn't eat sugar.

Seymour Skinner, Principal of Springfield Elementary, immediately accepted Mallory's offer, vowing "I promise to never put my own interests above the duty and responsibility that comes with the office of Vice Mayor.  The interests of Mother, however, are quite a different story." 

Skinner, upon hearing his mother yell "Seymour!  The cracks in the sidewalk are offending me!  Cover all of them up!" sheepishly walked off with his head lowered, muttering "Yes, Mother."

DOWNTOWN -- Local journalist and coke-fiend Blaine Chowder has been missing for one week.  Concerned family and friends are asking for your help in finding him. Follow along as our award-winning writer Patricia Cake frantically searches for any sign of her honorable colleague.

I start at the seedy underbelly, or stinky armpit, of the Tri-State.  It has been said that every creative genius has his demons; Blaine, it seems, has more than most.  I stop first at a well-known strip club, where word of Blaine's disappearance cuts to the core.

"My Gawd!  Where'd he git to?" cries Pollyanna Stephanopholous, staff member at the Brass Ass.  "I miss those gold dollars he used to insert into my g-string."  I ask the obviously distraught adult entertainer if she has any thoughts on what might have become of the suave wordsmith/super-secret IRS agent.  "I dunno!  I dunno!  Gawd, where'd he go!? How'm I gonna get Lil' Paulie through tap dancing school without Blainey?"  Attempts to revive Ms. Stephanopholous by waving whiskey in front of her face fail repeatedly.

"I'd suggest looking for Gomez," whispers a large hairy gentleman exhibiting an obvious distrust of the media.  "Leave my dancer(s) alone and go bother Gomez.  You'll find him at the Westend Tavern." 

Dealer correspondent Tina Fey reports on Schmidt's backtracking. Click to play!

WASHINGTON, DC - Just 3 months after winning Ohio District 2 by a paltry 3.5% margin of victory, U.S. House Rep. Jean Schmidt made national headlines on Friday, after personally attacking retired Marine Corps colonel and fellow House Rep. John Murtha for his motion to set a timetable for pulling troops out of Iraq.

In relating a phone call she received from Ohio state Rep. Danny R. Bubp of West Union, a colonel in the Marine Corps Reserve, she lectured that "...cowards cut and run, Marines never do."

After Schmidt's comments were drowned out by boos and yelling, prompting a 10-minute recess, she returned to the podium to backpeddle, asking for "unanimous consent that my words be withdrawn."

Tri-staters who supported Schmidt's campaign argued that she had been wrongfully intimidated into withdrawing her remark, which was not a personal attack because she was simply relaying an opinion from a constituent in her district.

After learning of this "personal attack loophole," Ohio District 10 Rep. Dennis Kucinich opened Monday's session by reading an email received from Josh Fernsler, a Sociology Major and pot-head from the University of Toledo, who stated that Schmidt was "nothing but a 2-bit whore."

"Saturday Night Live" TM are © NBC and it's related companies. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication, or distribution is prohibited. This web site, its operators and any content contained herein relating to "Saturday Night Live" are not authorized by NBC. Sheesh, that was long enough.

A deal has been cut for Eric H. Kearney, publisher of the Cincinnati Hearld, to take the Ohio Senate seat of Mayor Elect, Mark Mallory.  After side-stepping all of the other candidates, from Alicia Reece to Tyrone Yates, what spurred this move?

Mark Mallory explained, "we gave him the seat in exchange for a promise that he would drop the bow-tie."  That fashion has been outdated for a good three decades.  And it was never really all that hip to start with.  We felt it was an even exchange."

Of course Kearney, being the rebel that he is, was able to slip in a 'wrinkled tie' clause to ensure that no one mistakes him for being mainstream.

CINCINNATI - Normal amounts of rain are once again "being blamed" for wreaking havoc on tri-state drivers. As reported in the Enquirer, according to science, when people drive irresponsibly and lose control of their cars, it's not their fault when it's raining.

"Imagine that highway traffic is moving at 85 mph and you're fifteen feet behind the bumper of the car in front of you," said Dr. Franklin Obvious, a traffic-physics professor at Xavier University. "If that car jams on its brakes and you smack into it, becoming part of a fifteen-car pileup, you're part of the problem. But if it's raining, it's totally not your fault, just like the newspaper says."

Dr. Obvious showed several clips from television commercials which showed cars driving sure-footed through heavy rains and SUVs plowing giddily through snowdrifts. "This scientifically proves that even with three inches of standing water, there's still no reason to hit your brakes any sooner or any less hard for a stop sign, or to put extra space between your car and the vehicle in front of you. And if you're surprised by the lack of traction caused by water on the road, and you crash, it's absolutely the rain's fault. It's science!"

OVER-THE-RHINE - Taking a cue from the Kennedy Avenue bridge, where Kennedy Heights residents affixed concrete-filled plastic eggshells to make it uncomfortable for drug dealers to hang out, Cincinnati Police plan to try the same approach in OTR. Everywhere in OTR.

"It's a brilliant plan!" said District 1 officer Ted Nugent. "By covering every road, sidewalk, and bench surface with these eggs, there will be no where for these drug dealers to sit! Crime will plummet!"

When asked about ordinary residents and citizens, Nugent kept repeating over and over, "Crime will plummet!"

BRIGHTON - A group of churches, faith-based organizations, and a couple fake churches are planning to build a 5-acre homeless mall in the West End complete with counseling, medical, and a coffee shop.  This way, the bums can ask each other for cash as they stand in line for coffee.

Interestingly enough, of the ten members of this group, dubbed CityLink, none are located in the West End.  Located as near as OTR, and as far away as Springdale and Madisonville, these members graciously put forth energy to place the poor in a location they can all agree to avoid.

Spokesman for Vineyard Community Church in Springdale, Mark Frew, said, "It feels good to be able to serve a mocha to a homeless person, give em some job advice, and then get my ass back up the highway to Tri-County. I think all us members would agree."

The group plans to buy the existing building - a former slaughterhouse - with $12 million dollars in private donations.

In unrelated news, 3CDC, the Cincinnati Center City Development Corporation, who have been rapidly purchasing all the property around Washington Park as part of an OTR revitalization plan, made a $12 million disbursement to an anonymous charity this week.