OXFORD - About 15 white supremacists held a protest on Miami University's main campus last week to protest an ACLU panel on immigration reform.  The only problem was that the panel was on Miami's Hamilton campus. 

Eyewitnesses described the protest.  "First, they were yelling and marching in a circle.  No one was really paying attention except for a few vacant stares.  Then the yelling got a little mumbly, 'WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! ...White..  um.. power! um power!  white! yeah..'"  Then someone mentioned sandwiches and they all left."

Looking past the irony that a bunch of whitey's were rallying for power at Miami University of all places for a minute, the group evidently needs a secretary.  Maybe a low-paid illegal one.

DOWNTOWN - After Wednesday's shooting of activist Kabaka Oba outside of City Hall, eyewitness Jasper Fimplekerns reported to police that Howard Beatty had yelled "Yee-haw!" while opening fire on Oba. 

The next morning, Fimplekerns read that Beatty had once offered a court witness  $50,000 to change his story.  Fimplekerns soon recanted his version of Wednesday's events.

"Come to think of it, Howard Beatty actually yelled 'Eek! Yow!', not 'Yee-Haw!'," Fimplekerns told talk show host Larry Arnette Thursday evening, "Which would make sense. After all, Kabaka had just exited City Hall,  waving a grenade launcher at Howard,  who, by the way, better have my 50 G's left after he pays Ken Lawson's legal fees."

One anonymous witness told reporters that Oba's turquoise 1982 Mustang (license plate: KABAKA) was so ugly, it nearly vaporized Beatty on sight, cryptically adding, "I'll swear it's true.. that is, if the price is right.. cha-ching!"

Beatty's attorney Ken Lawson is reportedly trying to contact this anonymous witness in order to bolster his airtight case for a "self-defense drive-by shooting".

DOWNTOWN- Since their heyday in the 70's, the roller derby has been one of America's most violent sports, with many recorded casualties to men, women and even children.

Proponents of the sport will often claim that roller derby gets a bad rap - that movies like "Rollerball" have exaggerated the violence of roller skating sports - something they are counteracting with their own public relations propaganda campaign.

In fact, The Cincinnati Enquirer and Cincinnati.com recently hired a blogger to blog the "good news" about roller derbies, and the Cincinnati Rollergirls. In a recent blog entry, Roller Derby propaganda blogger Lauryn Bishop noted that the risk of paralysis doesn't worry her as much as "the thought of doing 50 laps".   She has also talked up roller derby as the "fastest growing sport in America".

The Cincinnati Dealer has asked the Enquirer for a full disclosure:   Who hired this blogger to spread roller derby public relations messages?  Does the Enquirer think this is an appropriate blog that falls within the realm of good journalism?  And when will the Enquirer give a full disclosure about Lauryn Bishop's affiliation with the "Roller Derby Preservation Association"?

"In the 1987 movie RoboCop, in a dystopic & crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him. Now, I thought if the same thing happened here, it would be freakin awesome!"  exclaimed Mallory.

"In time, we'll be overrun by a corporate-owned police force and barking ED-209 robots.  I for one welcome our new crime-fighting cyborg overlords." 

COLUMBUS -  After being ordered to remove publicly available Social Security numbers from his website,  Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell released a deadline for all identity thieves, in a statement on Friday.

"Those wishing to commit identity theft must do so within six months time," said Blackwell, "Or whenever my secretary Francine finishes rescanning the documents without their Social Security numbers, whichever comes first." 

"Don't anybody panic though, you now have full access to all the Social Security numbers, birthdates, signatures and mothers' maiden names you could ever possibly need.  Please hurry, though. This information is only available for a limited time."

On the down side, Blackwell did agree to require website registration within a month, something local identity thieves aren't very happy about.

"God, compulsory website registration is so annoying," said identity thief Seymour Butts, of 123 Anywhere Lane, Anytown Ohio.

This Findlay Market vendor may soon be forced to conceal his herbal products

CINCINNATI - A new law proposed by City Councilman Cecil Thomas may change the way pot is sold in Cincinnati. Soon every salesman bold enough to openly display his marijuana products out on tables in neighborhoods like Over-The-Rhine will go to jail, instead of just receiving a ticket. 

However, the new law doesn't overturn a citizen's right against searches without a warrant. Many of the more sophisticated pot dealers use a technique of hiding their products inside their pockets, especially when police are in their presence.

Without probable cause, police will still not be able to determine who these more surreptitious dealers are.  Since most dealers do not openly smoke or sell their product in plain sight,  Cincinnati's jail will soon be overflowing, not with pot dealers, but the more nefarious casual pot users and cancer patients. 

"Before this new law, our police had to buy a little weed from a dealer in order to charge him with selling marijuana," said Thomas on Thursday, "Now, when police buy marijuana from a dealer, they can then get a warrant, search him, and arrest him for possession. See, it all completely makes sense."

OVER-THE-RHINE - Facing falling attendance, renovation issues,  and perceptions of poor public safety surrounding Music Hall, the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra is considering a move from the 128-year-old historic building.

 CSO conductor Paavo Järvi reported, "We are keeping all our options open at this time.  We're scouting out several locations in the suburbs.  Nothing says classical music like a shiny new office park.  We could buy one, knock down the cubicle walls and go from there." 

SYCAMORE TWP - 56 year-old Jean Smolders of Sycamore Township barely made news Sunday when he was arrested attempting to meet a 14 year-old girl for sex.  Not to be outdone by Jean, 26 year-old James Rutherford, a 6th-grade religion teacher, became his own cliché Monday when he too attempted to meet an underage minor for sex. 

You would think these people would just stop trying.