CINCINNATI - The latest super hero to grace Cincinnati with his presence is "Meter Man", here in honor of the "meter-feeding granny" who was arrested in 1996 for feeding someone else's meter.  Meter Man appeared at City Hall Tuesday to urge that City Council declare every October 24th as "Random Acts of Kindness Day", a day when all local parking meters are free of charge.

Local FOX-TV affiliate WXIX showed the Meter Man feeding nickels into expired meters all over Downtown Cincinnati. He later admitted to reporters that he had been unaware of the new "10 minute button" feature, a button that could lead to a prison sentence of 6-8 months if pressed by the wrong person.

City Council was so moved by Meter Man's plea, that they have gone further, and budgeted every Sunday as "Random Acts of Kindness Day".  On Sundays, parking meters throughout Cincinnati will now be free of charge, in honor of the meter-feeding granny.

"We were so inspired by the Meter Man's proposal of a bumper sticker theme day, that we decided to continue it for the rest of the week," said council member Chris Bortz,  "In Cincinnati, Monday is now 'Think Globally Act Locally Day',  Tuesday is 'Support Our Troops Day',  Wednesday is 'Skateboarding Is Not A Crime Day', Thursday is 'Kill Your Television Day',  Friday is 'Visualize World Peace Day', and Saturday is 'Don't Let The Car Fool You, My Treasure Is In Heaven Day'."

COVINGTON - Principal Robin Shuttleworth surprised parents and the community with her unique approach to promoting drug awareness at Holmes Alternative School. To support Red Ribbon Week, "goodie bags" filled with narcotic samples and drug paraphernalia will be distributed to roughly 40 students in grades 7-12.

Helping expose students to the wonders of drugs, Shuttleworth announced that the week's activities would include dropping acid and critiquing YouTube.com shorts while finger painting, designing drug paraphernalia models in software programs and holding a 72-hour "speed" woodshop marathon.

"We feel that until students have tripped balls, they just won't really know good drugs," said Shuttleworth. "We want our kids to make savvy drug choices." She then giggled and added, "Plus, it's really funny to see kids get stoned." Shuttleworth declined further comment, stating that she "really needed some brownies."

Some critics say this week’s activities are risky because earlier in the year Health teacher John Hankey allegedly held a private after-school study session to introduce the soccer teams to Ecstasy, which led to heavy petting.

"Ecstasy doesn't  always lead to sex," said Hankey. Though he then admitted he couldn't think of a single time he hadn’t, in his words, “fucked,” while on the drug.

10th grade soccer player Sarah Lippman affirmed Hankey's remark. "My skin is breathing. I feel... I feel... tangerine. Touch me!

COLUMBUS - Ken Blackwell spoke with the Dealer about recent comments from President Bush and Nikki Giovanni.

Dealer: In his recent book State of Denial, Bob Woodward quotes President Bush calling you a "nut." Are you a nut?

Blackwell: I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning. I have an appetite for sex cuz me so horny. You tell that to Mister Big-eared Honky Monkey.

Dealer: What about Nikki Giovanni's comments at the Fountain Square dedication? She said that you are a "political whore jumping from bed to bed to see who will stroke your knee."

Blackwell: She can stroke my knee any day.

Dealer: Mr. Blackwell

Blackwell:  There once was a poet named Nikki who couldn't keep her mouth off my dickie. I dipped it in spice, she said isn't that nice, and now Blackie is sportin' a thickie. Now who's the poet?

Dealer: So you're not a political whore?  

Blackwell: Bitch you don't know, you ain't heard. Fuckin' with me you're gonna get served. We all gotta price baby. From Nikki G. to Kenny B. Some of us just take more than Lincolns in back-alley parking lots.

Dealer: She also mentioned that she wasn't a "son of a bitch" like you.

Blackwell: Sticks and stones. Ass and clit. You know how I like that freaky shit. Yeah pop that high-brow coochie on over here baby girl.

Dealer: Thank you, Mr. Blackwell.

2ND DISTRICT - Jean Schmidt evidently never learned that plagiarism was bad.  Maybe she should have finished that degree.  In stunning news last night, it was revealed that an editorial "written" by Schmidt for the Community Press on Sept 13, 2006, read awfully like an editorial Congresswoman Deborah Pryce published on her U.S. House website earlier on July 10, 2006.  It was so awfully similar that... well, they're identical.  The plagiarism was as blatant as Schmidt is short.

After numerous calls to her office for comment were unsuccessful, a press release was thrown quickly out of the door to her campaign headquarters before the door was shut again. 

It read:  "While Congresswoman Pryce's and Congresswoman Schmidt's columns were very similar, this was not a case of plagiarism.  Using the same words, in the same sequence, and in the same quantity does not necessarily imply plagiarism.  Also, note that in the first paragraph, Ms. Pryce uses the word 'Congress', while Ms. Schmidt uses the word 'Republicans'.  I think the evidence speaks for itself."

Congressional gadfly Nate Noy was contacted for a comment via phone.  Through cackling laughter, Noy guffawed, "Ain't no hidden shadow and sweatpants gonna save her this time!"

CINCINNATI - Authorities are investigating the arrest of an unarmed deer that was repeatedly beaten and kicked after having been tranquilized by police at the Terrace Hotel.

The incident has sparked comparisons with the 1991 Rodney King beating.

The arrest, captured Wednesday by Dealer staff photographers, showed an officer kicking the suspected buck 11 times with his boot after it appeared the deer had surrendered.

Before police arrived on the scene and pummeled him into submission, the deer had reportedly been trying to break into the downtown hotel.

"There is no denying that it looks very bad from what is seen in the pictures," Police Chief Thomas Streicher said. "But I'm sure our internal investigation will find nothing wrong."

The National Association of Even-Toed Ungulates (NAETU) issued a statement declaring this an act of bigotry and calling for a boycott of local parks.

Several animals including a Rocky Mountain goat and all of the elk walked out of the Cincinnati Zoo today in protest.

Mayor Mark Mallory moved quickly to defuse any potential situation.

"We do not discriminate," Mayor Mallory said, "every buck is deer to us."

WASHINGTON - The shortest woman in Congress just bought one of the largest cars.  U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt is the owner of a new 2007 Chevy Tahoe that runs on an 85/15 blend of ethanol and gasoline.

Reporters, initially dumbfounded by any statement that involved saving fuel and buying Tahoes, were later subdued when Schmidt more fully explained her position.

"See, I didn't buy this to save money or to save the environment.  I bought it to fight terrorism.  Cowards buy gas, marines and, uh, congresswomen do not.   I'm not concerned with saving money because, well frankly, have you seen my house?"

When asked about environmental benefits, she replied, "The environment?  Let's stick to real problems here people.  Honestly, I'd line our shores and borders with a wall of baby seals if it would keep those terrorists out."

Schmidt joins the ranks of semi-retarded motorists profiled by the Dealer in an earlier series.

"The terrorists won't know what hit em!" she yelled as she climbed up a step-ladder into her new car and drove off.

NEWPORT - A local Starbucks employee tried to turn the Newport Starbucks "red" Wednesday night when he kicked out a group of Democrats who had gathered to listen to Campbell County Democratic Party Chairman Ken Mullikin.

Grant Pilswigger used a liberal interpretation of the Starbucks employee policy to boot the surprised Dems.

"Starbucks coffee is decidedly pro-freedom and anti-terror," Pilswigger said, citing a line in the policy that states that Starbucks is "apolitical".

A customer in the store at the time observed that Pilswigger seemed "drunk with power" and suggested that he might have gotten carried away with his role as assistant manager.

The Democrats agreed they would seek their coffee elsewhere.

"I'm going to miss the mocha cappuccinos," Bill Sacks said. But Sacks said that without more checks and balances at the Starbucks, employees seemed capable of any interpretation of company policy.

A spokeswoman for Starbucks said that Starbucks encourages its' employees who have become obsessed with their roles to switch to decaf.

CINCINNATI - Last week, citizens voiced complaints about Councilmember Leslie Ghiz's tenacious texting during city council meetings. When pressed for copies of these messages under public records requests, Ghiz balked claiming that they were private records. Nonetheless, The Dealer's crack wireless hacking team has recently obtained a transcript of these electronic messages from a recent council meeting. Here in their unadulterated form are those private text messages. 

JC4HOR: when i get 2 congress u can b my policy womon, or do u want 2 do media?

LES: im going 2 k st so i can visit yr office and rock yr vote and get paid

JC4HOR: get it girl

LES: im so bored. ru voting 4 dohony?

JC4HOR: dunno, u?

LES: no way hes not as cute as david r

C4HOR: i know what u mean

LES: omg i almost missed that vote lol

JC4HOR: i just say yes when mm calls my name

LES: hey lady the 60s called they want there dress back. she must of got thst at goodwill. we dont need more cops we need some fashion police

JC4HOR: ill update my crime plan haha

LES: lmao!!!

JC4HOR: wanna get dinner at jeff rubys then go 2 my place? i have red hook in the fridge + glen beck on dvr

LES: u know it cya l8r g8r! -ill bring the honey and lemons

RIVERFRONT - Last week, Mayor Mark Mallory appointed the final member to the five-member Banks Working Group.  Or so he thought.  Tim Riordan, former city administrator and old white guy, joined four other old white guys in the group.  

Facing criticism from a bunch of reverends over the final choice , Mallory announced this week the appointment of a sixth member,  Token Black.  Mr. Black, originally of South Park, CO, has worked in entertainment his whole life, has no developer background, and is in the fourth grade.  Despite these facts, Mr. Black meets all requirements for this sixth position.

Critics were happy but commented that the work was not yet done.  With only a few more additions, the Working Group could resemble the strikingly precise diversity ratios present in Old Navy ads.

The Judge so conservative that Steve Fritsch once interviewed him

Area purse snatchers can now do 60 more years than their protégés in Junior High who bully, threaten, and steal lunch money from the weakest kids on the playground.   On Friday, other area teenaged purse snatchers said they have heeded Ruehlman's warning, and reported moving on to less sociopathic pursuits, like identity theft and mobile meth labs.

Responding to criticism with King Solomon-like wisdom, Ruehlman said, "Of course the sentence is longer than many murderers and rapists do.  But I wanted these youngsters to walk a mile in their fragile victims' shoes.  That's why I decided they wouldn't walk until they're total geezers."

County Commissioner Phil Heimlich may have an alternative solution, so that Cincinnati's young purse snatchers won't rot in jail.   Heimlich is working with the Character Training Institute to develop a rehabilitation program, inspired by Anthony Burgess's novel, A Clockwork Orange, which could remove a purse snatcher's desire for any further petty theft crimes against humanity.

The main treatment method involves strapping down the anti-geratric subject in a chair with his eyelids forced open and having him watch old people favorites like "On Golden Pond", "Cocoon", "Something's Gotta Give", and "Driving Miss Daisy" for 48 hours straight.