CINCINNATI USA - Recent freezing weather has local Cincinnati USA brandingizers all abuzz about a possible Winter Olympics bid in 2018.  An inch of snow Monday night elevated the excitement in the local Cincinnati USA Chamber quarters to a veritable din.

Although Cincinnati has failed historically in its International Olympics bids, "Cincinnati is the proud host of the Southwest Ohio Senior Olympics and has been since 1992," contends Cincinnati USA Chamber Vice Chair Wendy Northwill, "Take that, Geneva."

Britain / Cincinnati tensions have been noticeably strained ever since London won its bid for the 2012 summer games, closely edging Cincinnati despite amazing odds in Cincinnati's favor.

To drive up the Winter Olympics talk, Cincinnati USA has made some pointed changes to their branding strategy.   Despite the popularity of the first slogan, "All together surprising", Cincinnati USA has adopted a new slogan, "Ski The Seven Hills", and peppered its website with close-up shots of some of the fresh powder moguls at Perfect North Slopes and Cincinnati's more than ample Fountain Square skating rink.

"Re-branding Cincinnati as a skiing destination was instrumental to our campaign," says Northwill, "Still, we want people to remember that Cincinnati is also an awesome place to take the family out speed skating, curling, or for a nighttime bobsled ride."

CINCINNATI - As the Bengals sat down to celebrate Christmas today after their heartbreaking loss to Denver, we thought we'd take a look at the top 5 Bengals-related gifts being shared around the tri-state today.

 5. Chris Henry Oven Mitt Gloves - Bat even the softest thrown balls out of the air with these teflon-coated beauties. Comes with a hidden pocket for your stash. Guaranteed to fool drug-sniffing dogs.

4. 5-yard Illegal Motion Penalty - Give only to kids that need a little extra help to make the playoffs. Make sure the penalty wipes out a 75-yard touchdown pass. If not available, replace with an offside penalty that nullifies recovery of an onside kick.

3. Bengals "Ease-Arrest" Kit - Includes a concealed firearm, whiskey-scented breathalyzer spray, $1,700 in "off-the-truck" electronic goods, and directions to the nearest police checkpoint.  

2. Carson Palmer Cannon (With Randomizing Spray) - Sprays footballs all over the field. Picks inopportune moments to sail passes over intended receivers. You'll never know when an accurate pass is coming again. Available in 3 varieties: inconsistent, inaccurate, and look-the-f*ck out.

1. Extra Point - Somewhere, one lucky kid will receive the extra point the Bengals gave away in Denver. The extra point is rarely given away so if you receive this gift, cherish it as it is usually taken for granted. On the plus side, now you know who Brad St. Louis and Kyle Larson are.  

Have a very Bengals Christmas! And remember that buzzed driving IS drunk driving!

CINCINNATI - Tuesday night, at his annual Christmas party at Music Hall, Carl Lindner was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Drunk.

Brother to the Ghost of Christmas Present, the lesser-known Ghost of Christmas Drunk symbolizes hedonism. Rumor has it that the ghost was sent to visit Mr. Lindner to puncture his unfailing belief in the mythical Christian work ethic.

The Music Hall staff tried to deny the ghost entrance for lacking an invitation. However, the ghost slipped in through a back entrance when drunken entertainers let him in.

Mr. Lindner was just beginning to bore the crowd with 40-year-old "how I got my start in the ice cream business" anecdotes when the ghost entered and shrieked, "Families can't compete with corporate Good Humor!"

The inebriated ghost then hastened Mr. Lindner offstage on a spiritual journey.

Two hours later, the ghost returned to the banquet hall after allegedly failing to turn Lindner on the path towards redemption. There, Christmas Drunk downed a plateful of shrimp and soaked up the free alcohol like a Bounty paper towel.

After numerous glasses of box wine, Christmas Drunk moved to the dance floor where a Neil Diamond impersonator sang and people were more receptive to his intoxicating message. 

CINCINNATI - In a stunning move, Cincinnati found 22,582 people living under rocks.  Revised Census estimates announced last week find an additional 22,582 people living in the city, which means that the city actually gained 27 people between 2000 and 2005.  This had a positive affect on several indicators such as the poverty rate, the unemployment rate, the housing rate, and most importantly the crime rate.

The higher population meant a lower per-capita crime rate, pushing Cincinnati down from the 15th most dangerous city to the 17th, below Norfolk, VA, and, yep, Cleveland.  A giant laughing noise was heard hurtling up I-71 on Friday, sending shock waves across the state.

Downtown, city booster and census buff Rick Penderer commented, "YEEEAAAAAH, suck it Cleveland!  Hey, the only reason Cleveland hasn't fallen into the lake is 'cause it SUCKS! HAHAHAH!"  Unfortunately, as Mr. Penderer stumbled guffawingly down the sidewalk, he didn't notice his pocket being picked.

The revision came about after a 20-yr-old intern in the mayor's office did research on other cities filed formal challenges to the census counts.  A delighted Mayor Mallory rewarded the intern with a pat on the butt and a tall glass of pink lemonade.

HERE, THERE, EVERYWHERE - Thursday morning, across the country, liberals listened to NPR report on the incredible midterm election which resulted in Democratic control of both the Senate and the House.

Here in Ohio, the big winner was Ohio governor-elect, Ted Strickland.  T-Strick won handily, compelling Blackwell to concede the race at 8:50 pm before any vote counts were even released.  In his concession speech,  Blackwell said, "I say to you this evening in the midst of a political setback, to God be the glory."  Yes, thank you god.

Incumbent Senator Mike DeWine gave it up to god as well, losing to Congressman Sher... uh, SHER-rod... uh, Sher-ROD... uh, Congressman Brown from northeastern Ohio.    Though DeWine, a moderate and effective Senator by some accounts, did not employ the sure-fire campaign tactic of accusing his opponent of supporting the North American Man-Boy Love Association, he still lost.

In local races, Jean Schmidt - THIS IS NOT A MISPRINT.  WE ARE NOT FUCKING AROUND - beat out challenger Victoria Wulsin in the 2nd District.  Well, maybe.  Probably.  Most likely.  Less than 3,000 votes separated the two, with many provisional and absentee ballots still uncounted.  Wulsin has refused to concede the race, even though when you consider the already counted votes as a 99% sample size of the total and you have already lost in that count, you will most likely not win a super majority of the remaining votes.  Then again, Wulsin is a doctor, not a statistician. 

Wulsin of course in no way helped her cause when, at 10 pm on election night before all the votes were in and she was behind in the votes that were counted, she acted like a hysterical idiot who had already won, thanked the voters and said that she would "love to serve the people of the 2nd District."   Good one, Vic.

HAMILTON COUNTY -  On Election Day, Ohio Democrats didn't quite achieve a complete sweep of the statewide offices. The closely-watched run for State Auditor's office between Republican Mary Taylor and Democrat Barbara Sykes ended with a loss for Sykes. Taylor was partly buoyed by landfall support in Hamilton County, a stronghold for Hot Conservative Accountant MILFs. 

Taylor received more Election Day votes in Hamilton County than every other politician running opposed, county-wide.  She even beat several judges who were running unopposed  (those rectangles take a long time to black out with a ballpoint pen).

This year, Mary Taylor wasn't just Hamilton County's favorite Republican, but our favorite politician, period.   In the annual County popularity contest, she easily crushed the big-name competition of Pepper, DeWine, Blackwell, Brown, Strickland, and Heimlich, a piece of trivia that should make Little Miss Popularity smile while she's crunching numbers in Columbus.

By Harold,
Editor in Chief

It's that time again, Cincinnati.  It's the day that up to half of all eligible voters have been waiting so long for, in order to change the course of this country.  Exciting!

A multitude of candidates and issues exist on your ballot.  It can be quite intimidating.  Fortunately, the Dealer presents our endorsements for this election to clear up any confusion that you may have.  Our crack, uh, staff have meticulously combed the candidates and issues and present our findings here so you don't have to.

As with anything, the more you do something, the better you get, so get out there and vote as often as you can!

Governor of Ohio

Ken Blackwell (R)
Ted Strickland (D)

Dealer endorses:  Ken Blackwell. 

If Ken Blackwell is good enough for Roy Rogers, then Ken Blackwell is good enough for us.

CINCINNATI - Jean Schmidt may be sixth on the list of America's dumbest congressmen, but she's running against Victoria Wulsin, a candidate who has never held office in the worst Congress ever.

In order to truly understand and work with this spineless bunch of retards, we need someone like Schmidt. Someone not afraid to get dirty. Someone who will bring home the radioactive pork by kissing whatever ass it takes to get things done. 

With that said, here's the top 10 reasons we heart Jean Schmidt:

10. Gymnast sweater

9. Record-breaking marathon time

8. Makes Murtha cry

7. Hot twin sister fantasy (Jean on Jean)

6. Fights for freedom wherever there's trouble

5. Bring that nuclear waste dump here, not to some other state 

4. Bush says jump, Schmidt puts on sweater and asks how high

3. Plagiarisimo

2. Takes no crap from parade organizers

1. Schmidt happens

Though we hate to be like that other paper that tells you how to vote, you will shut your piehole and vote for Jean Schmidt like the scaredy little pantywaists you are.

CINCINNATI - Local CityBeat Editor John Fox received a Democratic Party Voter Guide in the mail on October 20th, which he later praised as "a real time-saver" when it came time to write up the all-Democrat endorsement bonanza in the October 25th issue. 

Then on October 30th, Fox received a Democratic Party Sample Ballot in the mail -  this time there were even more Democrats listed.

"I realize we had already published our endorsements, but I didn't want anyone to feel left out," said Fox, after publishing the next CityBeat all-Democrat endorsement bonanza in the November 1st issue.

After he saw there was "No Endorsement" for his seat, Local 32nd District State Representative Dale Mallory reportedly called Ohio Democratic Headquarters to make sure his name was being printed on their sample ballots.   This was clearly a missed opportunity for Mallory's opponent, Republican Kim Hale, since the Ohio Republican Party had not sent a Sample Ballot to John Fox's house.

Rep. Jean Schmidt, Cincinnati's biggest PR nightmare since Marge Schott called Eric Davis her "Million-Dollar Nigger," was endorsed by the Enquirer for shits and giggles on Sunday. 

After reviewing the litany of foot-in-mouth, plagiaristic, and hypocritical schenanigans that the junior senator has managed to squeeze into her relatively short, 2-year tenure, Enquirer's editorial board explains that she is "simply a better legislator than [Victoria] Wulsin", an advantage that every law-making incumbent has had over their challenger since the beginning of time.   

What can Wulsin do to win the Enquirer's coveted endorsement? Head a national public health agency.  That's right, it's going to take alot more than an experienced, successful medical professional to dethrone the biggest embarassment since Pete Rose pedaled his confession-signed baseballs on eBay.

In the end, the Enquirer sheepishly admits that Schmidt needs to "keep doing her homework and cut out the sloganeering nonsense" and "should develop a more sophisticated approach on international policy," but selects her as best woman for the job because she "will better reflect and serve the people of the 2nd District." 

Jorge Barnes, a 2nd district resident, responded:  "The Hell?" and then began looking for houses in a nuclear-waste-free district.

In its next editorial, The Enquirer is expected to endorse incumbent Mike DeWine for Ohio Senator because challenger "Sherrod Brown" rhymes with "Let us down."