CINCINNATi - Political analysts took note this week, as a pimp on the national political scene became the pimped.

New York Pimptress Hillary Clinton, the Democratic candidate who pimped out her own daughter earlier this month, is being pimped by Cincinnati's own Mark "Mayor Skinny Kingpin" Mallory.

Mayor Mallory, in addition to being a super-pimp, is also a super-delegate at the Democratic Convention in August, so he is being courted by both campaigns for his endorsement. Although there is plenty of information available on both candidates, Mallory just can't seem to make up his mind.

"That's just how a true pimp plays it," says Mallory, "If I had already said I would support that ho, then I wouldn't be seeing any of this free food, free cash, or free publicity. If Gov Strickland had watched how the true player operates, maybe he would've thought first before supporting that ho."

Mallory's point is well taken.  Ever since Ohio Governor Strickland threw his support behind Hillary, he hasn't received any of the perks that Mallory has seen: free lunches, dinners, front page photos, and political contributions.

While Mallory takes his time making this tough decision, thousands of Cincinnatians will also await news of his endorsement, so they will know who to vote for.  However, indecisive Mallory might not even make his decision in time for the March 4th primary.

"I just may ride this out until the convention," said Mallory, "Then again, who knows? The question isn't what have you done, but ho, what have you done for me lately?"

CINCINNATI - Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis has given businessman Santa Claus of the North Pole a job during the off-season appraising foreclosed properties in Cincinnati.  

Leis knows Mr. Claus personally as a golfing buddy, but also as a longtime campaign contributor.  Some contend that Santa's contributions were instrumental in Sheriff Leis's string of unopposed election victories.

According to Leis, Claus was the one who first inspired him to get into law enforcement.

"Santa knows when you've been good or bad so be good for goodness sakes," claims Leis, "Those words inspired me to be just like Santa, and here I am."

Some critics say that Claus is not a qualified housing appraiser, and only received the lucrative job as a kickback for all the campaign contributions, bicycles, baseball mitts and GI Joe action figures he has bestowed on Leis over the years.

"Nobody is more qualified than Santa to appraise these foreclosures," answers Leis, "He may not have a license, but he does a full roof and chimney inspection, and finished 500 appraisals on his first day.  I'd like to see a licensed appraiser work that quickly."

Santa Claus declined to comment, hanging up the phone on this reporter.

CINCINNATI - The lead architecture firm for the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center was taken to task this week for the museum's low attendance. 

The building has been praised by some for its architecture, but has lately come under fire for its apparent lack of an entrance.  Many local Cincinnatians don't realize that there actually is an entrance to the museum.

"We had first thought that, in the tradition of the Underground Railroad, it would be neat to have a hidden entrance behind the building," said lead architect Ron Hastings.

Unfortunately, this hidden entrance was so well concealed behind a false wall on the far side of the building, that the museum has only counted a total attendance of 23 people since 2004.

"You mean that's a museum?" said downtown resident Jim Thigpen, "I thought it was a big outdoor sculpture or something. How the heck do you enter the thing?"

Freedom Center CEO Dan Murphy is seeking $1.4 million from the state for a visible entrance to the museum. 

"We are confident that once people can actually find the entrance to our museum, our attendance will skyrocket," said Murphy,  "After that,  we think everyone will overcome any lingering reluctance to get totally depressed at our exciting slavery exhibits." 

WESTSIDE - Republican State Representative Bob Mecklenborg proposed House Bill 477 this week, a bill plainly titled, "English is a good language".

The bill, if approved, will require all local and state government entities to verify that they are indeed using English, and that it is good. 

"I introduced this bill because I happen to believe English is good.. real good," said Mecklenborg, "I like English now, and I will still like it in 3 weeks when you see my name on the ballot in the primary."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, English is just fine with me," Mecklenborg added.

Although all state and local laws are already written in the King's English, proponents of the bill say it will keep Ohio's laws free from any possible contamination, such as accent marks and upside down exclamation points. 

Mecklenborg supporters immediately cheered the bill, mistakenly believing they would no longer have to select a language when using an ATM if the bill is passed.

CINCINNATI - City Council member Laketa Cole asked the city on Friday to install some crazy ex-girlfriend detectors as a security measure at City Hall.

"I would like to express my condolences to the victims of the recent outbreaks of baby-mama drama across the country," said Cole.  

"And in light of this nationwide wave of insanely jealous ex-girlfriends," she said, "I am asking the city to research the possibility of installing some crazy ex-girlfriend detectors." 

According to Cole, a low-tech metal detector is not sufficient to detect the presence of a jealous ex-girlfriend.

"A simple metal detector would not necessarily prevent an assailant from entering City Hall,"  said Cole, "Especially if that assailant's name happens to be Sarah, Yvonne, or that bitch Whitney."

 
NEWPORT - Local entrepreneur Larry Flynt announced on Saturday that he plans to open  "Heavenly Bodies: The Exhibition", an exhibit of bodies in direct competition to "Bodies: The Exhibition" currently being shown at the Museum Center.

"I'm giving museum-goers a choice," said Flynt, "You can see a bunch of dead guys with their skin peeled off at the other exhibit, or you can see lovely Tiffani here peel off her tight jeans. What better way to learn about human anatomy than by having Tiffani show you?"

"And unlike any of the bodies in that other exhibit, Tiffani is giving full consent to show her body in our exhibit," Flynt added.

Although Cincinnati's obscenity laws allow for the display of dead human bodies with the skin stripped away, Flynt cannot lawfully open an exhibit here of live human bodies with just the clothes stripped away.

In attempts to put his exhibit in a "museum" context, Flynt had hoped on holding his exhibit at the "Creation Museum" in Northern Kentucky, but negotiations with them quickly broke down.   "There's always the Brass Ass in Newport," said Flynt.

Local Catholic Archbishop Daniel Pilarczyk quickly issued a statement asking area Catholic schools to refrain from organizing field trips to "Heavenly Bodies".

"If parents, as the primary educators of their children, believe that it has educational value, then they should be the ones to take their children to see it," said Pilarczyk.

CINCINNATi - The gift shop at the Museum Center for "Bodies - The Exhibition" is causing almost as much controversy as the exhibit itself.  Rather than merely selling "The Visible Man" and "The Visible Woman", the gift shop also features real brains, intestines, kidneys, testicles, hearts, stomachs, and livers.

"We decided we would give each attendee the opportunity to bring home part of an actual dead body," said Roy Glover, organizer of the exhibit,  "What better way to continue this whimsical lesson in anatomy, than buying and eating some anatomy yourself?"

"We also gift wrap," Glover added. 

Glover's unconventional gift shop idea has backfired with one anonymous Cincinnati school principal.  "Many of the organs available at the gift shop are eaten daily in our school cafeteria," he said, "Since our students have this educational experience in biology every day, I see no reason for our school to attend the exhibit."

Protests are planned for this weekend, since the anonymous dead bodies featured in the gift shop were obtained without the signed consent of the deceased.

CINCINNATI - In early January, Council approved an additional 2 million in their budget, which they say will be paid in full by public urinators across Cincinnati, to the tune of a $120 fine per urination.

City Manager Dohoney's staff, currently researching ideal camera sites, has found which trees are most popular for public urinators. 

"One question remains, will urinators continue to pee on these trees once cameras are installed?" asked Dohoney, "Or will they prefer to pee on other trees nearby?"

Similar initiatives in other cities have led to an increase in zipper accidents. Once the public urinator realizes he is on camera, he will often zip up too quickly.

David Crowley says the initiative is money well spent.  "Although local urinators will be less likely to pee in front of these cameras," said Crowley, "We are counting on out-of-towners to mistake these cameras for bird feeders. We project that these urinating tourists will generate 2.5 million annually in ciy revenue."

A positive ID of each urinator will be made using the latest in genital recognition software.

OHIO 2ND -  Former County Commissioner Republican Phil Heimlich cut his run against Ohio 2nd District Representative Jean Schmidt on Wednesday, citing the insurmountable challenge of also opposing some guy named Nathan Bailey.

Heimlich was mostly deterred by Bailey's experience in a leadership role at Wendy's, and as a manager at UDF, plus his membership in the "International High IQ Society".   Bailey had already put his fast food experience to work for him,  asking "where's the beef" in Heimlich's platform,  while adding that "quality is my recipe".

 "I mean, seriously, who has a better chance of beating Schmidt," said Heimlich, "Me or a UDF manager with a high IQ?"

In response to Heimlich's premature departure from the race,  Schmidt had little to say, other than mysteriously remarking, "Cowards cut their runs, Marines never do."

CINCINNATI - Five years after voting to curb panhandling by requiring that panhandlers apply for a license to annoy others, Cincinnati City Council has taken an abrupt 180 degrees turn.  On Wednesday, they voted for a 50 percent increase in panhandling, licensed or not, with an increase in Metro fares from $1.00 to $1.50.

"Panhandlers want to panhandle so they can ride the Metro," said David Crowley, "And we're going to help them on both counts.  I don't know why, but John Cranley seems to think that panhandlers don't have a right to experience cutting-edge hybrid technology, first-hand."

Similar to the city, Cranley has changed his position 180 degrees, but in the opposite direction.

In calling for the increase, Metro Executive Director Michael Seltzer said they sorta wanted some hybrid buses to replace a few of their antiquated 2004 models. 

"This fare hike to fund six new environmental hybrids achieves some of Metro's loftiest goals:  less crowded earth-friendly buses and more available seats next to sexy hippie chicks." said Seltzer, "The increase in panhandling is just a nice side effect."