CINCINNATI - Mark Brown, the bus smoker who was tazed and arrested last week, told reporters that the smoke-in was a protest against smokers' declining First Amendment rights. 

He also drew comparisons between himself and Rosa Parks, in her refusal to leave her seat on the bus.

"Yep, I guess you can call me Rosa Sparks,"  said Brown,  "Lucky for Rosa, they didn't have tazers back then."

 "This Ohio smoking ban has gone too far, when you can't even light up a Marlboro on the Metro," he continued.

Brown is also organizing a smoke-in on area public transportation.

"I hope other smokers will join me in a smoke-in on every Metro and TANK bus across the region,  (singing) We shall overcome.. we shall overcome... we shall overcome someday."

The jacket slung over the shoulder proves he's a serious candidate

MADEIRA - New Ohio 2nd Congressional District candidate David H. Krikorian started his run as an independent (Democrat) last week, but very little is known about the Madeira businessman.

Before he decided to run for Congress, Krikorian spent his days peddling caricatures of Vada Pinson and Rawly Eastwick.   His biggest claim to fame is vouching for a suspected assassin of Barack Obama, who was also peddling Obama caricatures.

"He was only trying to assassinate Barack Obama's nose, ears, and chin, using clever playing card caricatures,"  Krikorian had told Secret Service agents at the time.

Nevertheless, Krikorian's greatest accomplishment is not infecting AIDS victims with malaria.  Although Krikorian's candidacy gives the Cincinnati Beacon an opportunity to endorse someone in November, it will be all for naught, as Krikorian plans to donate all of his Election Day votes to Victoria Wulsin anyway.

"I've contributed to her campaigns at least four times, including her 2008 campaign, but my candidacy will be the biggest contribution of all," says Krikorian.

"Neither Victoria nor I can win alone, but I figure if I just donate my vote totals to her in November, she will have a chance."

CINCINNATI - Economic hardships and rising gas prices have affected many Cincinnatians, but particularly Christine Rutherford, a local mother who is doing her best to feed her family some Gobstoppers.

When Christine Rutherford masterminded a candy store heist Thursday morning, she didn't intend to resell over $400 worth of candy on the black market.  She also wasn't senselessly robbing the cash register.  She was only trying to feed her loved ones - plus she was "absolutely starving for a Zagnut bar". 

"Gas prices are up, but so are Goo Goo Cluster prices," said Rutherford, "And you do realize that the rising rate of Necco Wafer prices has exceeded inflation since the third quarter of 2006?"

"How am I supposed to feed my family and put Jujubes on the table, when the price of Jujubes is up 70 cents a pound over the last fiscal year?"

Rutherford isn't the only one in Cincinnati starving for something sweet.  Local leaders fear that unemployment and housing foreclosures coupled with the rising cost of Mike 'n Ikes could soon cause riots in the streets of Cincinnati.

It helps if the cops pull you over at a McDonald's drive-thru

CINCINNATI - Local drunks were comforted this week with the discovery of a new technique for avoiding DUI (Driving Under the Influence) charges, and with good reason. 

Many who enjoy to imbibe and drive may not realize that instead of being charged with drunk driving,  they can face the lighter charge of drunk parking like Officer James Dattilo did last month. 

Hamilton County Sheriff Leis says that he will crack down on DUI's, but a "PUI" (Parking Under the Influence) doesn't have a very stiff penalty.  This is welcome news to local drunkard Stephen Manarsky.

"You mean alls I got to do is park my car?" said Manarsky, "I always do that (hiccup) whenever the cops pull me over.  Does it count if my car is parked wrapped around a telephone pole?"

"I'll be sure to ask the Hamilton County Sheriff's (hiccup) Deputy to just give me a 'PUI' the next time they pull me over," concluded Manarsky.

Gallatin residents discuss Larry Gross's latest column

CINCINNATI METRO AREA - The Census Bureau has revised the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area to include a few counties which have recently transformed from rural areas into urban jungles complete with Taco Bells and everything.

Cincinnati USA welcomed new Cincinnati Metro Area members Gallatin, Brecken, Grant, and Franklin Counties this week, starting by sending a welcome wagon crew to the 7870 new urban pioneers of Gallatin County.

"First I have to figure out where the heck these new counties are," Cincinnati USA spokesman Pete Petrinsky told reporters before the trek to Gallatin this week,   "So I know where to take the fruit basket."

Gallatin County's new urbanists were excited about being annexed into "The Nati", and several have already started joining in on Cincinnati streetcar debates in the Cincinnati blogosphere.   A few others plan to audition for parts at the Cincinnati Playhouse in the Park.  Some have even started wearing Converse All-Stars. 

DAYTON - Thursday was a "Mission Accomplished" moment of sorts for President Bush, when he discovered a caché of inactive servicemen hidden at an Air Force hangar. 

Bush, who had been looking for more military who weren't already deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere, was in Dayton to deliver War on Terror speech #2310 at Wright-Paterson Air Force Base.  Actually, it was the same speech he always delivers, just the 2310th instance.

"Oh, there you boys are," said Bush, after discovering the concealed caché of unused but alive military personnel.

"I've been looking all over tarnation for you," Bush continued, "Hey, want to go to Iran?" 

"Heh-heh-heh-heh," Bush added.

Bush had also been in town to speak in defense of America's freedom to attend political fundraisers.

COLUMBUS - On Tuesday, Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner said she is leaving the decision to criminally prosecute March 4th's crossover voters to the Attorney General. 

However, according to Brunner, the Democrat impersonators could also face up to 4 years of Democratic junk mail and 8 years of Democratic robocalls for their crimes .

"For the crime of fraud, these crossover voters will have to endure up to 8 years of special messages from John Kerry and Jerry Springer on their answering machines," said Brunner.

"There may be additional penalties incurred," Brunner added, "Including 4 years of campaign circulars and special invitations to fundraisers hosted by Bill Clinton."

"That is the price you pay when you commit voter fraud and falsely declare your allegiance to a party," continued Brunner, "I believe that ought to be punishment enough."

For crimes of voter fraud, Republican crossover voters could also face up to 6 years of MoveOn.org canvassers at their doorsteps.

Indiana Police Explain Their Hate-itude

 MILAN, IN -  The Oak Hills party in Milan last weekend started out as a surprisingly great time for all involved, with lots of under-age drinking and any-age pot smoking, but the party organizers made one significant error: They didn't invite anyone from Indiana.

This mistake caused nine Indiana law enforcement agencies to sip "Haterade" at Ohio's expense,  and led to the arrest of 70 Cincinnati youth.  Nobody from Indiana was arrested.

According to official reports, the player-hating had started with one complaint over improperly parked cars.  The crime of improperly parked cars did not justify 70 arrests as much as the crime of not inviting the Milan Police Department to the party.  Milan Police Officer Jeb Podunkia was the first one to take umbrage at not being invited.

"We wanted to make a statement to Cincinnati," said Officer Podunkia, "You just don't throw a party in Milan without inviting the Milan Police Department."

Rather than just stopping the party, the Milan Police invited 8 other law enforcement agencies to take time out of their busy schedules to help crash the party.  The Indiana State Police, Sunman Police Department, Osgood Police Department, Batesville Police Department, Versailles Police Department, Moores Hill Police Department, Ripley County Sheriff's Office, and Dearborn County Sheriff's Office all joined in on the hating.

A rare snapshot of Planned Parenthood sans dead baby photos

 MOUNT AUBURN - Local abortion activists protested somewhere other than Planned Parenthood for a change this week, while City Hall prepared to limit the number of dead babies one individual can display, from 1000 down to a paltry 4 dead babies per activist.

This week, several community activists demanded that city council allow "as many dead baby photos as possible" to be displayed in front of the Planned Parenthood in Mount Auburn.

"How are only 4 dead babies going to change a pregnant woman's mind?" said activist Dale Randall, "Everyone knows you need hundreds of pictures of dead babies in order to make an informed decision about abortion."

"I know that these protesters are making some kind of statement about abortion," said local realtor Rebecca Mills, "But what does that have to do with photos of miscarriages and stillbirths?"

Protesters claim that the dead baby photos have already had quite a positive impact on the community.   For example, local homemaker Suzy Squinton's doctor had warned that her pregnancy was threatening her life, and would probably end in a stillbirth.  Squinton had resisted getting an abortion, until she saw over 600 dead baby photos displayed on Auburn Avenue.

"Just a few pictures of stillbirths and miscarriages probably wouldn't have been enough to convince me to abort," said Squinton,  "Thanks to the hundreds of dead baby photos that these nice men displayed, I decided that the right decision was to abort early rather than face a horrible stillbirth."

Many others await city council's decision, fearing the impact that less dead baby photos could have on the community.