Kaldi’s sold their liquor license last Sunday.  So I decided to stop by and see how the transition was going.  I have to admit, the crowd did make me feel a little uncomfortable.

“Oh Fuck!” said Sonya McDonnell, owner of Kaldi’s.  “I looked at the numbers for alcohol sales and thought $30,000 and a bag of magic beans was a great deal.  What an idiot!  I didn’t think about all the food & coffee the drunks consumed.  Not to mention friends of alcoholics.“

CINCINNATI - Sleazy former Hamilton County Prosecutor Mike Allen has settled out of court with home-wrecker and career killer, Rebecca Collins. The settlement finally puts to rest the pissing contest between the two parties, who sued each other over whom was the bigger whore. Collins won, settling for $45,000 of the original $3 million.

The settlement, which comes out to $38.25 a day during the 3 1/2 year relationship, is considered a victory by Allen attorney, Mike Hawkins.

"You would pay more than that to some skank on the street", said Hawkins.  "At least with Collins you knew where she had been."

Attorneys for both sides agreed on a mathematical equation created by Hughes high school math teacher Gordon Pauley to come up with the settlement figure.

"I combined their age and divided that by the length of the relationship. Then I posted her picture on www.HotorNot.com and multiplied that by the number she peaked at on the HotorNot scale. That was a 2", said Pauley. "I think she might have voted for herself a few times."

DOWNTOWN - Councilman Chris Smitherman got himself in the headlines again after Tasing a 6-year-old boy during Council minutes today.

As he was hog-tied and dragged away, he muttered, "See, this is why we need the ban. Any crazy like me can join the police and start Tasing kids left and right! Ban it now!"

When it was pointed out that there had not been a single instance of Taser use on a child under 11 until Smitherman did it, he grumbled something about wishing "COPS were here to film this bullshit."

CINCINNATI - Council member David Pepper is the newest mayor wannabe to seeking to fill the shoes of Charles Luken. Pepper, 33, single and still feeling fresh off a car-jacking 3 years ago says that the run for mayor is as much for him as it is for the city of Cincinnati.

"First mayor, then senate and then president", said Pepper. "Think of all the poon-tang I will get as a mayor. Wait, I told you this is off the record. Why are you writing this?"

Today Michael Setzer, CEO of SORTA, announced a solution for SORTA’s budget crunch.  “We are going to replace all drivers with marmosets,” Setzer proudly exclaimed.  “Marmosets are cheap labor.  They work for rotten fruit.”  Setzer estimates that with the savings left over after accidents, they should have enough left over for a 15% across the board administrative raise.”
 
City Council member, John Cranley said, “I see this as a win-win for everybody.  Sunday service is not cut.  Citizens don't have to pay the unreasonably high cost of a dollar for bus fare.  I don’t see anything left for the citizens to complain about.”

DOWNTOWN - Encouraged by the effectiveness of automated traffic cameras in capturing speeders, Cincinnati City Council has proposed an idea to further the concept. The proposal seeks to strategically place automated Taser systems on street corners in the downtown area, including Over-The-Rhine.

Mayor Charlie Luken lauded the idea claiming that this will free up officers to attend to more serious crimes and act as a deterrent to would-be criminals.

"I know one thing. We'll finally be addressing the plague of teenage jaywalkers downtown. I for one am fed up”, said Luken. “The next 14-year-old that decides to jaywalk will have quite a surprise in store for him."

No one can claim the local GOP is not politically savvy.  Last Wednesday, Chris Monzel was selected over the first runner up, Leslie Ghiz, to replace Pat Dewine on city council.  Although Monzel, was an incumbent runner in the last election, and he lost, gaining fewer votes than Ghiz or Damon Lynch, the local GOP stated that they felt that white males were severely under represented in the Republican party.

Westwood residents had expressed concerns that Leslie had passed the age of 30 and was not yet married and raising children.

J. Wayne Cropp, Hamilton County GOP chairman, stated that there is still a place for Ghiz in the Republican party.  “I hope she finds a nice Republican man to settle down with,” said Cropp, “There is no telling where her husband could go politically from there.”

CINCINNATI - City Council members received a 3% pay increase raising their annual salary to a whopping $60,000,000. In comparison the Cincinnati Police took a pay decrease of 2% making their annual salary $8,657.

The city charter, which no human can possibly understand because it was written in super secret hieroglyphics from a 3^rd century Chinese schizophrenic says that council members shall receive a pay increase every year annually unless an amendment to the charter has been made.

"Its unfortunate that it’s linked directly to something to which we have no control" said councilman David Crowley. "We had a chance to put a charter amendment on last years ballot to cut our salaries in half, because that’s what people wanted. But, lets be realistic. Like I am going to vote for that."

In a press release today, the Citizens for Christian Values (CCV), announced that December’s massive snowstorm was a punishment from God.  “Thou shalt not have repealed Article XII,” says Phil Urass, Director of CCV,  “and more divine retribution is coming.”

ANDERSON TWP, OH - The 2004 Tsunami, which left more than 150,000 people dead and thousands more missing, has had a devastating impact on hundreds of villages from Thailand to Somalia.  Although Cincinnati is halfway across the world from these countries, the tsunami has also impacted a local Tri-state family.

"If that had been us instead of my cousin's neighbor, and we had vacationed in late December instead of October, and had decided to go to Sri Lanka instead of Delhi - I'm sure I wouldn't be talking to you today," said Sue. "I think it's safe to say there was an angel looking out for us."