CINCINNATI - Ohio Senate Bill 9, currently before the Ohio Senate, includes a proposal to ban laser pointers unless they are used for academic, research, or industrial purposes.  Tens of thousands of laser battles erupted in Cincinnati as the dwindling laser pointer supply was defended by and attacked by people shooting each other with laser pointers.  No injuries were reported.

State senator Jeff Jacobson (R - Dayton), the sponsor of Senate Bill 9, said, "This bill is not just another idiotic attempt to panic Ohio's citizenry and further erode civil rights using terrorism as an excuse.  Laser pointers are incredibly dangerous, unlike concealed handguns, which I support."

NORWOOD - Norwood is offering amnesty to bad Cincinnati drivers by waving any citations incurred between March 27 and April 2. The week-long amnesty will allow drivers to compare and contrast their bad driving with other really bad drivers.

"No, no, you have it wrong, we are only waving penalties on previous traffic violations", said a Norwood official. "We are not offering amnesty for bad driving during that week. You must retract this story."

Lisa Dye of Cincinnati says that she will drive to the Norwood everyday until the end of the amnesty just so she can drive really badly.

"My goal is to get my car on two wheels", said Dye. "I can do that on Dana Avenue. As long as I corner at 50, I can raise the car."

Other possible slogans include:

1. Peter Piper to Pick Pepper - "Peter Piper, also known as the Pied Piper, was known for leading by example" said Pepper.
2. Deliver a Pepper-oni with Extra Cheese - "And voters will like me because I've got lots of money, or as they call it in the 'hood... cheese." 
3. That's One Spicy Jalapeno Pepper! - "I think this will attract Cincinnati's Hispanic voters, possibly all 25 of them," said Pepper. 
4. How about some Black Pepper? - "We are hoping to splinter the Black vote even further with this little play on words," he said. 
5. Saltine Pepper for Mayor -"This one has dual appeal," said Pepper, "Black voters will like it because it reminds them of the rap group 'Salt-N-Pepa'. And the 'saltine' part obviously appeals to us crackers."

"When I found out that Cincinnati was the third-meanest city to homeless folk, while beautiful Key West, Florida was only twelfth-meanest, I was like, that's it. I'm out of here," explained a homeless man who identified himself as "Patchy," while climbing into a cargo car of a south-bound freight train.

"Tuna Pot Pie!" added Patchy, as the train pulled away.

CLEVELAND - "When I tell people I'm running for governor, they say, 'Of what?'"

If there's one thing that will win Pete Draganic the gubernatorial prize, it will certainly be his sense of humor!

I sat down with Pete at the Waffle House off I-90 in Cleveland.

"Why are you running for Governor?"

"In one word? Gambling."

BLOGOSPHERE - Reports of The Dean of Cincinnati’s death have continued to circulate.  The Dean of Cincinnati was reported dead on the boards of Old Rogue on December 21, 2004.  He was killed off by a troll for 3,972 gold coins.  Few mourned the passing of The Dean.  He had been a reported troll on the various bulletin boards and blogs throughout the city.  Many have tried to end his presence on the web, but none have truly succeeded.

The only people attending his funeral were his compatriots from the Consortium of Chaos.  Attendees included Kingpin, The Riddler, Kobra Commander, Skeletor, Dr. Claw, The Nihilist, Dr. Doom, Lex Luthor, Magneto, The Curmudgeon, Megatron, Mojo Jojo, The Purple Pie Man, The Feminist, Shredder, Team Rocket, Dr. Evil, Darth Vader and of course his long time companion, The Penguin.

Inside
Mayoral Candidate 4,257: Alicia Reece
Sweet-ass car hits pedestrian, car damaged
Chabot to be Guest Speaker in the OTR

Mayoral Candidate 4,257: Alicia Reece

CINCINNATI - Alicia Reece decided her ego could be a little larger by announcing that she was running for the Mayor of Cincinnati Sunday morning at her church in Avondale.

The list of Mayoral candidates has reached dizzying length and should increase by 10,000 by election time.

Hamilton County Democratic Chairman Tim Burke in an email newsletter stated, "I encourage all Democrats in the city to run for Mayor. The more we have, the better chance we'll win, right?"

CINCINNATI - Still smarting over his lifetime ban from baseball, Pete Rose is the surprise first bidder for a majority stake in the Cincinnati Reds. "Yeah, I admitted it," said Rose, "Just like they told me to.. 'I bet on baseball', and they still ain't reinstated me..  Well, ol' 4256 is about to buy his way back in."

Although Rose is currently deep in debt to "Big Tony" at Sarrento's Pizza, he is offering the Reds a $100 million payment in the form of autographed baseball cards, posters, bats, balls, and two million unsold copies of "My Prison Without Bars".

PENDLETON - In July 2004, Cincinnati police placed a barricade on 13th Street to block suburbanites seeking to buy drugs in Pendleton and Over-the-Rhine.  The effectiveness of this metal guardrail has been called into question; according to a recent  report, although crime significantly decreased on 13th Street, it significantly increased one block away on 12th Street.

"The criminal mastermind consortium that defeated our plan must have breathtaking resources," said bewildered councilman David Pepper.  "We'll move the barricade from 13th Street to 12th Street.  That should fix everything."