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DeWine Aims To Be Most Useless Commissioner Ever
Taft's Budget Eliminates Income Tax, Raises Carnival Tax 800%

DeWine Aims To Be Most Useless Commissioner Ever

Less than three weeks after being elected Hamilton County Commissioner, Pat DeWine announced his intention to run for the House seat vacated by Rob Portman. DeWine successfully avoided all of his campaign goals, but did manage to fire 13-year county administrator David Krings in his short time.

In his speech, DeWine took pride in his accomplishments: "No need to thank me citizens of Hamilton County. Thanks to me, each and every one of you can probably say that you are better off today than you were three weeks ago. I trust my successor will be equal to the task."

Portman will vacate his House seat after being appointed to, um, some trade thing.

CINCINNATI - Ever since his 15 minutes of fame ended with 98 Degrees, Justin Jeffre has attempted to find a way back into the spotlight. He thinks he's found the answer.

Jeffre announced last week that he is a candidate for mayor. The Finneytown native and Clifton resident is running on the slogan "Elect me, and you will see Jessica Simpson’s breasts in this city, a lot." Jeffre thinks that this alone will elect him to the highest office in the city.

"I have seen her breasts up close and my shoulder accidentally brushed up against one once," said Jeffre. "A lot of people love Jessica Simpson’s breasts. To have someone representing the citizens of this city that has accidentally touched Jessica's breasts is invaluable."

Withrow High school senior, Josh Cameron, says that Jeffre will get his vote.

Last week, the Cincinnati Police Department (CPD) got slammed for not finding the casualty of an auto accident on I-75. 

“Dark night, pouring rain, traffic whizzing by at 60 miles an hour, I don’t know how they could have missed a body laying 500 feet from the wreck,” said long time West Ender Gary Cud.  His wife Cindy Cud agrees, “If she was rich they would have found her.  Police have this super power called rich-dar that helps them to find rich dead bodies.  Why can’t we have that for poor people.”

The family of the dead is quite upset.  “I don’t understand why we have to spend all of our time staging protests at city hall,” says Jeffery Sims.  “We should be spending our time grieving instead.  Since we don’t have anyone around to blame for this, we feel the police officer on the scene is the best candidate.  He should have been omniscient.”

MILFORD - Despite last Friday's drug bust at Milford High School, Milford's rampant underage drinking and safe sex continue unhindered.

Milford superintendent John Frye and school board president Carol Ball had hired 24-year-old Lara Dolgren to pose as a real student and narc on all the cool kids.

Dolgren attended classes, made friends, and eventually attended several Milford High keg parties. This was where she got "the hook up",  by initiating drug transactions,  while pushing condoms,  lubricants,  and safe sex brochures on the impressionable Milford students.

"I'm outraged!" exclaimed Leigh Cavanaugh, an Urban Studies major at the University of Cincinnati (UC). Leigh assembled with other students from UC's Design, Architecture, Art, and Planning (DAAP) college, while holding a sign that read "HAROLD GO HOME!"

"The Cincinnati Harold has confused readers of The Cincinnati Herald by creating a parody news site that is spelled only slightly differently than an actual news site."

CINCINNATI - In 1993, local attorney, publisher, and businessman Eric H. Kearney ran for City Council as a young 25 year old Charterite. He's never run since then.

During the annual Charter Committee meeting, Kearney sought to give advice to another young twentysomething Charterite looking to land a seat on City Council: OTR business owner and activist Nick Spencer.

"I say to Mr. Spencer, quit now, before these so-called bloggers destroy you. You think it will stop at weird guys with big hair annoying you in your business? Not a chance.

BUTLER COUNTY - Some representatives of Butler County are eager to use cutting-edge technology in law enforcement.  "People have these GPS chips put in their pets and, in some cases, in their children, in the event they are lost or kidnapped," Butler County Commissioner Michael Fox said. "I don't see why the same can't be done with probationees."

"Come to think of it, if you dislike a pet, you can have it put to sleep," continued Fox.  "I don't see why the same can't be done with probationees."

CINCINNATI - Yesterday the blood ran red in the streets of Cincinnati.  The Cincinnati Herald sent letters to all men named Harold in Cincinnati.  Harold Danders showed us a copy of his letter.  “It says all Cincinnati Harolds must Cease & Desist,” said Danders, “I guess I have no choice but to comply.”  He then hopped into a bathtub filled with water and a Conair 1875 Watt Hair Dryer on sale now at Sears for $9.99!

It was a gruesome sight for the Big Brother/Little Brothers group of Cincinnati as they were heading to Hathaways (located on the first floor of the Carew Tower) for a pancake breakfast.  Gary Ferns, big brother to Jimmy King, stopped in awe as a sky full of Harolds rained down on them.  “This is the best pancake breakfast ever,” yelled little Jimmy King, as he stooped down to pull off an ear from the ground and started munching on it.  “My big brother is the coolest ever!”

OVER THE RHINE - A tractor trailer carrying 763 pounds of marijuana was seized by U.S. Drug Enforcement Officials last Wednesday in Over-the-Rhine.

Patrick Thomas and Ladd Dubose were sitting on the dock of a warehouse eating Chick-O-Sticks and dry Captain Crunch while laughing hysterically at a dirty sock in the street. Police officers and DEA agents happened to be in that area and noticed the two men in a hysterical state. They decided to investigate further, thus finding the 18-wheeler full of ganja.

An Interview with Nick Spencer, Candidate for City Council

PASTRY: It looks like you are coming out strong for this season.  According to your campaign blog you are saying and I quote “David Pepper killed some puppies” and “Leslie Ghiz can’t tie her own shoes.”  Is that correct?

SPENCER: Damn straight.  David Pepper is into dog snuff films.

PASTRY: Do you have any proof of your allegations?

SPENCER: Yeah, I had my website designer break into his home computer and he found pictures and quicktime videos of him offing dogs.  Sure my web designer may not know what day of the week it is, but he sure knows how to hack.

PASTRY: Do you care to provide this evidence?

SPENCER:  Sure.  Here is a picture from his latest home made film entitled “Snoopy Go Home.”  He clearly is getting off on this stuff.

PASTRY: Disturbing.