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Top Stories
Tinky-Winky to Replace Dean of Cincinnati
By Fred Pastry | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Jan 5, 2005
 

New Dean of Cincinnati?After the Dean of Cincinnati’s shocking revelation that he is resigning from his post, the race is on.  Tinky-Winky has announced his bid for replacement.  Tinky touts his experience as a former child educator.  Test markets show no difference between intellectual discussions that are led by Tinky-Winky or the current Dean.

 

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Nick Spencer says: "Fuck this shit. I'm moving to Mason."
By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Jan 5, 2005
 
Business owner, and City Council candidate Nick Spencer has given up his Over-The-Rhine residence for the convenient confines of Mason, Ohio. Spencer cited safety concerns including repeated vandalism to his car and daily contact with District 1 police. He explained: "Over-The-Rhine has nothing Mason doesn't have. I mean, if I want to go to a bar, I can go to that Nascar place in the strip mall." He added that he was also encouraged by all the Chipotle's within driving distance.
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Sam Malone Appoints Self to Vacant Council Seat
By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Jan 5, 2005
 
Sam Malone has appointed himself to the Cincinnati City Council seat left vacant by Hamilton County comissioner-elect Pat Dewine. Malone was tasked with finding Dewine's replacement because he is the lone Republican on Council. Malone explained, "Since I'd get twice my budget and twice my staff, I could get twice as much done than if those resources were split between two people. It's more efficient this way. And I don't see why I can't have two votes on Council. Republicans always vote the same way anyway."
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Deters Cleans Up Prosecutor Office: Da’ Pimp is Back in Town
By Fred Pastry | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Jan 5, 2005
 

"Don't make me come over there bitch!"After only one day back in charge and Joe Deters is already cleaning up the prosecutor’s office.  Deters says “First off, we are eliminating all inner-office romance.  This is a public service office.  We are all professionals and it’s going to stay that way, so no more freebies.”  Today Deters announced that he will be moving the prosecutor’s offices down to the 1100 block of Walnut St.  Office moral was at an all time low during Mike Allen’s term.  This move is expected to perk things up.  Some employees will be closer to their work out facilities.  And others will be closer to their after hour jobs.

 

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StormTrackDoppler 9000 Breaks Out of Robot Prison, Slays Hundreds
By Edmund Osterman | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Jan 5, 2005
 

CINCINNATI, OH - The awesome power of the Channel 12 StormTrackDoppler 9000 was displayed early this morning when it broke free from its robot prison and went on a rampage downtown.  StormTrackDoppler 9000 killed at least two hundred people using lightning bolts, gusty winds, and heavier than expected rain.  The deadly weather robot was finally brought down by a combination of Cincinnati Police and National Guard forces.

"We did everything we could to warn people of the incredible power of StormTrackDoppler 9000," said Pauline Loughlitter, press representative for Channel 12.  "Every commercial break, we devoted ten to twenty seconds informing our viewers of the astonishing abilities of StormTrackDoppler 9000.  Frankly, we suspect people had stopped paying attention."

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St. X Student Faces 5 Day Suspension For Not Promoting Christianity In Public
By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Dec 15, 2004
 

St. Xavier high school suspended junior Justin Roberson Friday for not promoting Christianity outside of class. His father Mel Roberson agreed with the punishment, saying, "Justin's evangelical mission doesn't end with the school bell. He needs to know that breaking rules and spreading God's love in public places as much as possible to save these godless heathens is okay."

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City Homicide Rate Down: Weather Just Too Cold For Murders
By Gerard Oh | Dealer staff writer    Wed, Dec 15, 2004
 

Cincinnati's homicide rate dropped to 63 this year, compared to 66 from the same time last year. Police chief Thomas Streicher said that criminals don't roam around as much when the weather is cold. He added that he's hoping for a "shitload of snow this year."

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