After the Dean of Cincinnati’s shocking revelation that he is resigning from his post, the race is on.  Tinky-Winky has announced his bid for replacement.  Tinky touts his experience as a former child educator.  Test markets show no difference between intellectual discussions that are led by Tinky-Winky or the current Dean.

After only one day back in charge and Joe Deters is already cleaning up the prosecutor’s office.  Deters says “First off, we are eliminating all inner-office romance.  This is a public service office.  We are all professionals and it’s going to stay that way, so no more freebies.”  Today Deters announced that he will be moving the prosecutor’s offices down to the 1100 block of Walnut St.  Office moral was at an all time low during Mike Allen’s term.  This move is expected to perk things up.  Some employees will be closer to their work out facilities.  And others will be closer to their after hour jobs.

CINCINNATI, OH - The awesome power of the Channel 12 StormTrackDoppler 9000 was displayed early this morning when it broke free from its robot prison and went on a rampage downtown.  StormTrackDoppler 9000 killed at least two hundred people using lightning bolts, gusty winds, and heavier than expected rain.  The deadly weather robot was finally brought down by a combination of Cincinnati Police and National Guard forces.

"We did everything we could to warn people of the incredible power of StormTrackDoppler 9000," said Pauline Loughlitter, press representative for Channel 12.  "Every commercial break, we devoted ten to twenty seconds informing our viewers of the astonishing abilities of StormTrackDoppler 9000.  Frankly, we suspect people had stopped paying attention."

St. Xavier high school suspended junior Justin Roberson Friday for not promoting Christianity outside of class. His father Mel Roberson agreed with the punishment, saying, "Justin's evangelical mission doesn't end with the school bell. He needs to know that breaking rules and spreading God's love in public places as much as possible to save these godless heathens is okay."

Cincinnati's homicide rate dropped to 63 this year, compared to 66 from the same time last year. Police chief Thomas Streicher said that criminals don't roam around as much when the weather is cold. He added that he's hoping for a "shitload of snow this year."