UNIVERSITY HEIGHTS - The University of Cincinnati hosted Napoleon Dynamite actors Efren Ramirez ("Pedro") and Aaron Ruell ("Kip Dynamite") on Friday, April 22.  Judging by the attendance, you were there.  If you don't remember being there, then wow, that's very disturbing, because you totally were.  Maybe you should quit drinking until you black out.

To cover this event, the Cincinnati Dealer sent a crack team of Gerard Oh and Edmund Osterman (reporters) and David Akadjian (photographer).  We had official Dealer press passes and notebooks and tape recorders and cameras.  None of it mattered to the UC staff, who refused to let us in early, or grant us private access to Efren and Aaron.

What are you trying to hide, UC?  We'll uncover your dark schemes and illuminate them with the light of truth.  There is no way we will fail.*

Our Dealer staff was forced to wait in the general admission line to get in.  Some of the unwashed members of the public attempted to touch our garments for luck, and we drove them back with sharp blows of the hand.

CINCINNATI - Pulitzer Prize winning political cartoonist Jim Borgman collapsed yesterday at Tower Place Mall and was rushed to an acupuncturist, his publicist said.

Borgman has been suffering from a severe case of Excessive Self-Criticism and Perfectionism, and has been unable to create new cartoons for nearly a month.

"The well has run dry", said a shaking Borgman. "I tried drawing a George Bush playing Mortal Combat in the oval office and all that came out of my pen was a straight line. I am afraid that they are going to take away my corner office at the Enquirer."

CINCINNATI - Not to be outdone by the library, Cincinnati Public Schools will terminate 116 teachers by the end of the school year due to budget overspending.

CPS superintendent Rosa Blackwell said, "These layoffs are necessary to remain fiscally solvent. Well, they became necessary anyway, after we overspent last year's budget by $22 million, but that's neither here nor there."

"Not all the news is bad, however. Only 115 of the 116 teachers are being laid off for budgetary reasons. We're firing one teacher's ass because of poor performance. And we decided to give his name to the Enquirer, so all his neighbors will know. So at least that's one less bad teacher."

DOWNTOWN - The downtown rental sign business has been on a roll of late due to several high-profile condominium and apartment projects. But now businesses are chipping in to help this booming rental sign industry even further.

Last week, Tower Place Retail LLC announced that it would rather see the retail space from the former Closson's store at 4th and Race sit vacant than put to use by this year's Cincinnati Fringe Fest.

Mall management spokesperson Christi Begley said, "As a supporter of downtown, we felt that we needed to keep that "For Lease" sign on the store up. After all, a revitalized downtown means a strong rental sign industry - those signs don't make themselves."

She denied that the real reason they rejected the Fringe Festival was that they are a bunch of uptight ninnies who couldn't stand to see something different downtown. She went on to defend the mall's theory that by keeping stores vacant, and offering the same retail year after year, downtown will eventually reclaim its former glory.

NEWTOWN - Meridian Bioscience Inc. accidentally shipped vials of a deadly influenza strain to eighteen countries as part of a testing kit.  The influenza is particularly deadly to young people because it has not been included in flu vaccines since 1968; it was intended to be part of the drive to remove all young people from the Greater Cincinnati area.

"In the 1990s, six percent of Cincinnatians aged 25-34 left the area," said Meridian CEO William Motto.  "This wasn't enough.  The city increased its efforts by shutting down music festivals, letting the entertainment areas of the riverfront and downtown area decay, and using age-based curfews in certain neighborhoods."

Meridian president John Kraeutler stated, "After Article XII was repealed, our company was brought in to deliver a quicker, more final solution to the depraved youth prowling this city.  Get a haircut, you hippies!"

The week of April 4 was National Crime Victims' Rights Week. To celebrate, local and federal law enforcement managed to arrest over 90 rapists, assault suspects, and gang members in one week alone.

"It's great to make our streets safer one week out of the year," said  Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis. "It's the least we could do in honor of crime victims everywhere."

Many fugitives were found after strong cooperation between agencies.  A fugitive from San Diego was found in Cincinnati after investigators in California and Ohio compared notes.

"Sharing notes? Who would have thought?!" exclaimed CPD Capt. Vince Demasi. "This is ground-breaking crime fighting. In the future, fugitives won't stand a chance!"

MT. AUBURN - William Tucker was smoking his crack pipe and playing a quiet game of craps with his posse on a street corner in Evanston last Wednesday evening. Seconds after Tucker yelled, "Yatzee, Bitch" he was shot down in cold blood. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Nice weather strikes again.

Captain Richard Schmalz, commander of District 4, says that Tucker’s murderer, who hasn’t been caught, was no doubt fueled with rage over the recent nice weather.

"It’s just that time of year again", said Capt. Schmalz. "People are getting cabin-fevered and they’re getting out and killing."

The murder has sparked debate over the proper course of action in dealing with nice weather and many think that the city is not doing enough.

DOWNTOWN - Protesters gathered downtown at the main branch of the Cincinnati Public Library on Wednesday to challenge cutbacks in library hours. These so-called "brownouts" are a result of statewide cuts in library funding in Gov. Bob Taft's proposed budget.

"Those buffoons in Columbus have placed the patrons of this library in danger!" said demonstrater Hank Landers, holding up a sign that read 'SHAFTED BY TAFT'. "Now, if I am bored one afternoon and I want to watch a free movie, there is a chance that the library will be closed. Where am I supposed to go then? Blockbuster? And pay for my movies?"

LAWRENCEBURG - While writing 3 articles for The Cincinnati Enquirer's 6-part "Let's Go Gambling!" special report, Enquirer reporter Ken Altucker discovered an underground ring of Ohio and Kentucky gamblers operating at Argosy, a casino boat in Lawrenceburg, Indiana.

Mark Mallory has had too much trouble with name recognition in this city.  “Right on,” says Mark Mallory.  “No one in this town knows who their State House Rep’ is.  But when I walk down the street people know who I am.  It’s just the name that throws them off.  Keep calling me Shaft.  They read my mind.”
 
In an effort to reduce voter confusion, Mark Mallory has officially changed his name to Shaft.  “Can you dig it,” says Shaft.  “No first name.  Just Shaft.  And I WILL be your mayor.  You think that makes me less dangerous or more dangerous.”

Shaft is taking a strong stance on crime in this town.  In a city where violent crime is an epidemic, with 66 homicides last year and a level of gun violence that cannot continue.  When asked what he plans on doing about it he said, “I'm getting my own way.  Who delivers 10 times out of 10?”