Greg Robson, a U.S. Army tank mechanic and alumnus of Fairfield High School, was temporarily distracted from the quagmire that is Operation: Iraqi Freedom when Skyline Chili sent him a free case of their locally-famous recipe.

"This is great," remarked Robson, after taking a big forkful of the delicious, cocoa and cinnamon-flavored Cincinnati chili goodness.  "With each bite, I forget that the detailed maps and documents that Colin Powell showed the U.N., in hopes of proving that weapons of mass destruction were in production and in turn garnering support for the U.S.-led military action, were bad intelligence, thus ruining our credibility with dozens of nations.  Truth be told, I actually enlisted as a result of that misinformation."

Bad Neckwear Review

2ND DISTRICT - Who does The Cincinnati Dealer endorse in the upcoming primary on June 14th?  The Dealer's endorsements will follow. Ultimately though, the choice is yours.  To help the voters make an informed decision, we have put together this helpful guide to the bad neckwear of Ohio's Second Congressional District Candidates. You can tell a lot about a Congressional Candidate by the bad tie he wears. Observe... 

The Classy Gentlefellow

Charles Sanders (D)

Circa:1978
Material: Woven Silk
Presentation: Classic

Unfortunately, this photograph leaves out most of Charles Sanders' secret weapon. You might find the five-time Congressional Candidate's classic bad tie at the thrift store, for $1.79. But you can bet Sanders bought it new at Shillito's in 1978. And when Sanders likes something, he sticks with it.  He also likes running for Congress, and he's going to keep doing that too!

Inside
DeWine Rated As 'Not A Chance In Hell'
Taft: "Should've invested in baseball cards, not coins."
Pepper Proposes Pumped-Up Pot Penalty
DeWine Too Good For Values Forum
UC Hackers Leave Message

DeWine Rated As 'Not A Chance In Hell'

After the Anderson Township Republican Club candidates' forum, members rated 11 Republican candidates for the 2nd District seat. Two candidates, Bob McEwen and Tom Brinkman Jr., received ratings of "highly qualified," five candidates received a rating of "qualified," and three candidates received ratings of "not qualified." Hamilton County Comissioner Pat DeWine received the only rating of "not a chance in hell, you stupid, adultering hypocritical papa's boy."

This week, the Hamilton County Democratic Party chose to sacrifice Indian Hill lawyer Paul Hackett to the Republicans in the race to fill the 2nd District House seat vacated by Rob Portman.

For some reason, the Dems think they can win a heavily Republican district that Bush won with 64% in the last election, and elected Portman to Congress with more than 70% every two years for the last 12 years.

On the other hand, Hackett does evidently drive a Hybrid, which may somehow bring just enough rural central Ohio voters to his side.

More details were announced Tuesday regarding the proposed changes to Fountain Square.  The $42 million "face-lift" would shut down the garage for at least a year, move the fountain 110 feet to increase usable open space by "about one-third," and build two new fountains, which will decrease the usable open space by "about one-third."

Steve Leeper, president of the Cincinnati Center City Development Corp. (3CDC), stated, "We have to destroy the village to save it."

Leeper continued, "While losing the only affordable parking garage in the city for a year will inhibit people from coming downtown and displace hundreds of commuters, it will all be worth it when we build our single new restaurant space.  Also, there might be a big video screen on the Macy's storefront!"

Leeper said development of Fountain Square, combined with development on the riverfront and in Over-the-Rhine, would help keep investment in the city.  Upon hearing that the center of downtown would be developed in the same capable, expedient manner as the riverfront and Over-the-Rhine, onlookers gave a brief round of applause, then moved to Columbus.

Clear vision is important

COLUMBUS - In response to recent reports that the drug Viagara can lead to blurry vision or blindness, the State of Ohio will no longer buy Viagara for sex offenders.

"Your ordinary everyday sex offender really needs to have clear vision," said Bruce Coppinger of the Ohio Department of Health.

"That's what I told Governor Taft," continued Coppinger, "Every Ohio sex offender needs 20/20 vision so he can easily examine those dainty feet, luscious thighs and supple buttocks."

Coppinger also claims that good vision is essential for the viewing of succulent breasts, bouncing with every step, and the careful observation of delectable nipples poking through tight t-shirts.

"The State of Ohio will not wait several years, only to find out later that Viagara really does cause blindness in sex offenders," said Coppinger, "We are taking every precaution to ensure that the vision of Ohio's sex offenders stays clear and focused.  That way they can fix their eyes on the prize, and keep reaching for the stars."

NORWOOD - The few houses still standing at the site of the impending Rookwood Exchange strip mall represent a threat to future parking spaces, driveways, boutiques, and steakhouses, the First District Court of Appeals ruled on Friday.

According to Judge Mark Painter, "The area around these homes and businesses has been completely bulldozed. There's lots of mud, plus some really dirty construction vehicles. Gross!  Also, people are actually driving their cars nearby. It just doesn't get any more blighted than that, folks."

PETERSBURG - Ken Hamm would have you believe that 6,000 years ago, white middle-class looking people rode around on the backs of dinosaurs. And he's willing to spend $25 million to convince you.

In Petersburg, Ky, rises the Creation Museum, a 95,000 sq.ft. complex offering Hamm's explanation of physical evidence based on literal interpretation of the Bible; specifically, that God created the world in six, 24-hour days on a planet just 6,000 years old. No word yet on how a 24-hour day came to be before the earth was rotating, or whether or not that first day started at midnight EST or GMT.

"When that museum is finished, it's going to be Cincinnati's No. 1 tourist attraction, it's going to be a mini-Disney World," said evangelist Jerry Falwell. Falwell is right in that both attractions contain a lot of fictional characters.

The newly formed regional tourism agency Cincinnati USA is excited about the new offering. "I envision a all-around weekend package," said Cincinnati USA spokesperson Wendy MacDonald. "Tourists and families can start out at this Creationism Disneyland thing, then afterwards shoot on over to the casinos in Indiana, or down 71 to that Racers strip club next to the Speedway."

CINCINNATI - Susan Cranley, the mommy of City Councilman John Cranley and candidate for school board, vehemently opposed the Cincinnati Board of Educations super-secret selection for school superintendent, Rosa Blackwell, last month.

"Closed Door Selection of Superintendent is Egregious!"

Her comments on the matter were not suspicious, at first.

Later that week Councilman Cranley, objecting to the council's practice of meeting behind a closed door to solve the city’s problems, said, "Closed Door Selection of the Superintendent is Egregious!"