CINCINNATI - An area dog molester would like to remain anonymous from the community at large, he told The Dealer this week.

Accused of molesting dogs in 17 states, the Fido fondler says he would like to avoid the intrusion of the public eye as he attempts to move on with his life.

 "I would appreciate it if you preserved my anonymity for this story," the pooch petter told The Dealer, "I really would like to keep this matter between myself and my dog... I mean god."

In an effort to help the dachshund diddler preserve his anonymity, The Dealer has obscured his photograph so that nobody could possibly recognize him.  

Nevertheless, local dog owners are advised to keep  their dogs leashed, especially in the vicinity of City Hall, where the anonymous dog molester may or may not be an anonymous office holder.

But I thought this would be a body rub.

But are the words "hot hot hot steamy body rub" necessarily code for illegal prostitution?  Not according to local Adult Entertainer Shirley Minxxx.

"You have no idea how many suckers think they're going to get laid when they hear those magic words," said Minxxx.

Rather than the Hamilton County Sheriff concentrating his efforts on arresting prostitutes, he has joined the CCV in its war on euphemisms.

"We will win the war on euphemisms," said Sheriff Simon Leis, "We must absolutely ban anyone from using language that could possibly be misconstrued as illegal, especially in alternative news weeklies."

"It's not that prostitutes are hard to prosecute," added Sheriff Leis, "It's just that words are a much easier target ."

Ironically, anything the CCV pays attention to, they are effectively promoting -  Monday's news conference has prompted a surge in hot tantric massages and steamy reiki body work performed by local hot stunning brunettes.

0 out of 3 ain't bad

The identity thief, a Presbyterian store clerk named Brett Pritchard, said his only motive was to defy the stereotypes that Amanda Mayes had promoted.

"I nabbed Amanda Mayes's social, not only for the profitability aspect," said Pritchard, "But to prove that you don't have to be a Jew to steal her black identity."

"And how sweet it feels to steal her identity," added Pritchard, "All of a sudden I'm out of the red, and into the black, and I owe it all to Nate Livingston."

Livingston is currently seeking a blogging service that respects his First Amendment right to publish Mayes's social security number, credit card number, PayPal password, and medical record history.

New developments have emerged in the aftermath of Senator Hillary Clinton's reference to the RFK assassination. The Dealer has obtained a copy of Hillary's personal long-term planning calendar that would seem to corroborate the Clinton campaign's assertion that she uses assassinations as timeline markers on her calendar. 

Clinton tells Kentucky to throw its Y's in the air

COVINGTON, KY - A local Covington crowd enabled Hillary Clinton's quixotic campaign to continue during yesterday's Maifest rally.

Not only did Clinton tout her lead in popular votes among cherry-picked vote totals, but also her lead in states ending in the letter "Y' - an important metric, since no Democrat has won the presidency in the past 28 years without winning New Jersey and Kentucky.

"As goes states ending in the letter 'Y', so goes the nation," Clinton told the Covington crowd, "What is it about Senator Obama's inability to win states ending in the letter 'Y', great states like Kentucky and New Jersey."

"Kentucky will send a message to the superdelegates, who can overturn this whole thing," she said, "Not only do white voters support me, but so do 'Y' voters."

In response to Clinton's Covington rally, Barack Obama told reporters in Oregon, "Senator Clinton may be leading among states ending in the letter 'Y', but the numbers show that I'm leading on days ending in the letter 'Y'."

Dann investigates the lint on his suit

COLUMBUS -  After being pressured to appoint a special investigator who would investigate himself for impeachment proceedings,  Marc Dann decided there was only one investigator who was qualified to investigate himself: Marc Dann.

"He really is the most qualified to investigate Marc Dann, and really knows the most about this situation," said Dann, "I don't know of anyone who would be better for this impeachment investigation than Marc Dann, and that's why I appointed him."

Soon after making the historic self-appointment,  Dann discovered that there were big problems with how Marc Dann had conducted himself as Ohio Attorney General.  

 "After further review of Attorney General Dann, I have discovered that he sure messed things up," said Dann on Wednesday, "I have no further details to add, other than it would seem that Marc Dann should really make up with his wife, and I really really hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive him."

Marc Dann asked for Marc Dann's resignation, effective immediately, and recommended impeachment if Dann resisted. 

Putting up no resistance,  Marc Dann obliged Marc Dann's request, putting in his two weeks notice retroactive to two weeks ago.

Meet Marc Ann

COLUMBUS - On Saturday, Ohio Democratic Party leaders nearly unanimously voted to strip the "D" from Marc Dann's last name - a move that is sure to distance the Democrats from the disgraced Ohio Attorney General, but could cause confusion as impeachment proceedings are being considered.

"Without that D in his name, Marc Dann will have absolutely nothing to do with the Democratic Party," said Governor Strickland. "We are also looking into changing his voter registration to Republican."

"He just doesn't deserve that 'D' in his last name", said party chairman Chris Redfern.

"I just hope he doesn't try to use a legal loophole to avoid impeachment," said Redfern, "After all, Marc Ann wasn't the one who had an affair."

In response to the change, Marc Ann engaged in a bit of sexual harrassment with the executive party committee, telling them, "Suck my D".

CINCINNATI - In first a sign of support and then a show of defiance, Congressman Steve Chabot voted for a resolution to support Mother's Day and then voted against it.

The house had just voted unanimously to support, H.R. 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day," when many  Republicans had a change of heart. 

Chabot explained that many of the mothers in this country such as 'yo mama are fat and/or ugly and could also be potential illegal aliens or terrorists.

In a sign House Republicans could care less about getting re-elected, Chabot used his time on the House floor to tell "yo mama" jokes. 

"Yo mama's so illegal," Chabot said to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "they can fit 10 of her in the back of a pickup truck."  

178 other Republicans agreed with him including Speaker of the House John Boehner and Congresswoman Jean Schmidt.

When asked how she herself felt as a mom, Schmidt replied "Yo mama's so ugly, Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her." 

John Boehner  went on record as needing to adjourn until such time as a clear American definition of mom could be worked out that would exclude 'yo illegal mama.

INDIANA -  Indiana sexists and racists went to the polls today to finally cast their ballots in the prolonged battle for supremacy between sexism and racism.   These were the only factors in their votes today, being that no other issues are pertinent.    This contest has been so well-fought that many have been hoping that either sexism or racism would just drop out of the running.  

 "I'm voting for racism," said Gina Silver, racist mother of three in South Bend, "You know, it definitely is a hard decision to make, but which one will get more support in November?" 

"Just about everyone nowadays is racist, and that's why I feel racism will prevail in the General Election this November," she said.

Indianapolis sexist  Pat Hoffman sees things differently, and has chosen to side with sexism.

"With sexism, everyone's on one side or the other, but with racism there are too many different ethnic groups out there," said Hoffman, "The sexists just make up a larger voting bloc - it's simple arithmetic."

However, most Indiana voters polled are in agreement that no matter what happens today, either sexism or racism would be preferable to John McCain.

If only this was a picture of Marc Dann's nude mistress

COLUMBUS -  The identity of Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann's mistress hasn't been publicized yet, but millions of Ohioans are already clamoring for her nude pictorial.

A recent survey of Ohio men showed that while 80% are outraged that the Attorney General cheated on his wife,  3 out of 5 still wonder what his mistress's turn-ons, turn-offs and cup size are.

Rumors around Columbus hold that Dann's mistress asked for a few more weeks of privacy so she could get back into shape for the imminent Cincinnati Gentleman magazine centerfold.  That isn't a good enough excuse for Cincinnati resident Darrell Rector.

"Only a few days after hearing about Spitzer's affair, I got to see nude pictures of Alexandra Dupre on the internet," said Rector, "Plus I heard Alexandra's gonna be in Playboy. What is taking Dann's mistress so long? Don't tell me that Marc Dann is the only one who gets to see her naked."