The jacket slung over the shoulder proves he's a serious candidate

MADEIRA - New Ohio 2nd Congressional District candidate David H. Krikorian started his run as an independent (Democrat) last week, but very little is known about the Madeira businessman.

Before he decided to run for Congress, Krikorian spent his days peddling caricatures of Vada Pinson and Rawly Eastwick.   His biggest claim to fame is vouching for a suspected assassin of Barack Obama, who was also peddling Obama caricatures.

"He was only trying to assassinate Barack Obama's nose, ears, and chin, using clever playing card caricatures,"  Krikorian had told Secret Service agents at the time.

Nevertheless, Krikorian's greatest accomplishment is not infecting AIDS victims with malaria.  Although Krikorian's candidacy gives the Cincinnati Beacon an opportunity to endorse someone in November, it will be all for naught, as Krikorian plans to donate all of his Election Day votes to Victoria Wulsin anyway.

"I've contributed to her campaigns at least four times, including her 2008 campaign, but my candidacy will be the biggest contribution of all," says Krikorian.

"Neither Victoria nor I can win alone, but I figure if I just donate my vote totals to her in November, she will have a chance."

Gallatin residents discuss Larry Gross's latest column

CINCINNATI METRO AREA - The Census Bureau has revised the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area to include a few counties which have recently transformed from rural areas into urban jungles complete with Taco Bells and everything.

Cincinnati USA welcomed new Cincinnati Metro Area members Gallatin, Brecken, Grant, and Franklin Counties this week, starting by sending a welcome wagon crew to the 7870 new urban pioneers of Gallatin County.

"First I have to figure out where the heck these new counties are," Cincinnati USA spokesman Pete Petrinsky told reporters before the trek to Gallatin this week,   "So I know where to take the fruit basket."

Gallatin County's new urbanists were excited about being annexed into "The Nati", and several have already started joining in on Cincinnati streetcar debates in the Cincinnati blogosphere.   A few others plan to audition for parts at the Cincinnati Playhouse in the Park.  Some have even started wearing Converse All-Stars. 

COLUMBUS - On Tuesday, Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner said she is leaving the decision to criminally prosecute March 4th's crossover voters to the Attorney General. 

However, according to Brunner, the Democrat impersonators could also face up to 4 years of Democratic junk mail and 8 years of Democratic robocalls for their crimes .

"For the crime of fraud, these crossover voters will have to endure up to 8 years of special messages from John Kerry and Jerry Springer on their answering machines," said Brunner.

"There may be additional penalties incurred," Brunner added, "Including 4 years of campaign circulars and special invitations to fundraisers hosted by Bill Clinton."

"That is the price you pay when you commit voter fraud and falsely declare your allegiance to a party," continued Brunner, "I believe that ought to be punishment enough."

For crimes of voter fraud, Republican crossover voters could also face up to 6 years of MoveOn.org canvassers at their doorsteps.

Indiana Police Explain Their Hate-itude

 MILAN, IN -  The Oak Hills party in Milan last weekend started out as a surprisingly great time for all involved, with lots of under-age drinking and any-age pot smoking, but the party organizers made one significant error: They didn't invite anyone from Indiana.

This mistake caused nine Indiana law enforcement agencies to sip "Haterade" at Ohio's expense,  and led to the arrest of 70 Cincinnati youth.  Nobody from Indiana was arrested.

According to official reports, the player-hating had started with one complaint over improperly parked cars.  The crime of improperly parked cars did not justify 70 arrests as much as the crime of not inviting the Milan Police Department to the party.  Milan Police Officer Jeb Podunkia was the first one to take umbrage at not being invited.

"We wanted to make a statement to Cincinnati," said Officer Podunkia, "You just don't throw a party in Milan without inviting the Milan Police Department."

Rather than just stopping the party, the Milan Police invited 8 other law enforcement agencies to take time out of their busy schedules to help crash the party.  The Indiana State Police, Sunman Police Department, Osgood Police Department, Batesville Police Department, Versailles Police Department, Moores Hill Police Department, Ripley County Sheriff's Office, and Dearborn County Sheriff's Office all joined in on the hating.

A rare snapshot of Planned Parenthood sans dead baby photos

 MOUNT AUBURN - Local abortion activists protested somewhere other than Planned Parenthood for a change this week, while City Hall prepared to limit the number of dead babies one individual can display, from 1000 down to a paltry 4 dead babies per activist.

This week, several community activists demanded that city council allow "as many dead baby photos as possible" to be displayed in front of the Planned Parenthood in Mount Auburn.

"How are only 4 dead babies going to change a pregnant woman's mind?" said activist Dale Randall, "Everyone knows you need hundreds of pictures of dead babies in order to make an informed decision about abortion."

"I know that these protesters are making some kind of statement about abortion," said local realtor Rebecca Mills, "But what does that have to do with photos of miscarriages and stillbirths?"

Protesters claim that the dead baby photos have already had quite a positive impact on the community.   For example, local homemaker Suzy Squinton's doctor had warned that her pregnancy was threatening her life, and would probably end in a stillbirth.  Squinton had resisted getting an abortion, until she saw over 600 dead baby photos displayed on Auburn Avenue.

"Just a few pictures of stillbirths and miscarriages probably wouldn't have been enough to convince me to abort," said Squinton,  "Thanks to the hundreds of dead baby photos that these nice men displayed, I decided that the right decision was to abort early rather than face a horrible stillbirth."

Many others await city council's decision, fearing the impact that less dead baby photos could have on the community. 

CINCINNATI - Last month, Cincinnati city councilman Jeff Berding pressured the state legislature to put a constitutional amendment (Article 15 Section 13) on the ballot that would allow casinos in Ohio counties that neighbor other states that allow casinos.

Berding says that a casino in Cincinnati could help alleviate the chronic depression of Cincinnati's blackjack-deprived, lapdance-deprived, indoor Marlboro-deprived, Roman Candle-deprived, adult bookstore-deprived, and decent multiplex-deprived populace.

However, the amendment may lose statewide support unless neighboring counties like Warren County can stay competitive with their own casinos.  In order to encourage these counties to support the amendment,  Berding is now pushing for an amendment to the original amendment (Section 13b) that would allow Warren County and other Ohio counties that neighbor Ohio counties, that neighbor Kentucky and Indiana counties to legalize casino gambling.

Unfortunately, amendment 13b would leave counties like Greene, Clark, and Fayette out in the cold - which is why Berding says he hopes the legislature will also put amendment 13c on the ballot, so that counties that are adjacent to counties that are adjacent to counties that are adjacent to Kentucky and Indiana counties can also stay competitive.

CINCINNATI - This week, Cincinnati gained notoriety among other cities, as having the only drug-free city water supply in the country.  All other cities tested positive because their residents were flushing prescription medications down the toilet.

Cincinnati passed the pharmaceutical drug test with flying colors, and only tested positive for caffeine, which was apparently flushed down the toilet during a local police cappuccino sting.

Water Works spokesman Rick Reynolds took some credit for the test results on Monday, while denying that he had spiked the water supply with Goldenseal.

Reynolds credited the Water Works's "pharmaceutical recirculation" program which helps residents who are burned out on a prescription medication to "share" their drugs with others, rather than flushing perfectly good drugs down the toilet.

 "Nobody in Cincinnati has flushed a single pill down the toilet since we started this pill sharing program, or we would've failed this drug test" claimed Reynolds.

Several Cincinnati residents expressed befuddlement at the news of other cities testing positive for drugs.

"Who in their right mind would flush a perfectly good bottle of Oxycontin, Vicodin, Percocet, Codeine, Lortab,  Xanax, Ritalin or Valium down the toilet?" said local resident Randall Jesse, "Don't tell me that other cities are doing that."

As a reward for passing the city water drug test, hundreds of thousands of area residents will be allowed to keep their jobs.

CINCINNATI - The lead architecture firm for the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center was taken to task this week for the museum's low attendance. 

The building has been praised by some for its architecture, but has lately come under fire for its apparent lack of an entrance.  Many local Cincinnatians don't realize that there actually is an entrance to the museum.

"We had first thought that, in the tradition of the Underground Railroad, it would be neat to have a hidden entrance behind the building," said lead architect Ron Hastings.

Unfortunately, this hidden entrance was so well concealed behind a false wall on the far side of the building, that the museum has only counted a total attendance of 23 people since 2004.

"You mean that's a museum?" said downtown resident Jim Thigpen, "I thought it was a big outdoor sculpture or something. How the heck do you enter the thing?"

Freedom Center CEO Dan Murphy is seeking $1.4 million from the state for a visible entrance to the museum. 

"We are confident that once people can actually find the entrance to our museum, our attendance will skyrocket," said Murphy,  "After that,  we think everyone will overcome any lingering reluctance to get totally depressed at our exciting slavery exhibits." 

WESTSIDE - Republican State Representative Bob Mecklenborg proposed House Bill 477 this week, a bill plainly titled, "English is a good language".

The bill, if approved, will require all local and state government entities to verify that they are indeed using English, and that it is good. 

"I introduced this bill because I happen to believe English is good.. real good," said Mecklenborg, "I like English now, and I will still like it in 3 weeks when you see my name on the ballot in the primary."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, English is just fine with me," Mecklenborg added.

Although all state and local laws are already written in the King's English, proponents of the bill say it will keep Ohio's laws free from any possible contamination, such as accent marks and upside down exclamation points. 

Mecklenborg supporters immediately cheered the bill, mistakenly believing they would no longer have to select a language when using an ATM if the bill is passed.