DOWNTOWN – Strong Mayor Mark Mallory decided to flex his muscles by sending the police after the many truants who use the Public Library of Cincinnati and Hamilton County as their personal playground on the road to perdition. Last Thursday’s morning raid netted an estimated 40 offenders, and put tiny smiles on the faces of fed-up Library staffers and grown-up patrons alike.

"I dunno what the hell these cops doin’ here harassin’ me like this!" commented one truant as he was dragged away from one of the many library computer terminals. "I got business on the internet, man! And I’m supposed to be meeting my girl here at 12:30!"

"Yeah!  Like how would you like it if someone told you what to do all day?" added another student caught up in the dragnet.  "Like this is violating my rights or something! You know what I'm saying!"

In response to this grave injustice against inner-city adolescents, City Beat prepared an outraged article with the word "Racism" in the title, until reminded that Mr. Mallory himself is indeed an African-American.

It was a tragic Christmas Eve at Roselawn Legacy Banquet Hall, when a teen dance shooting left one dead and concerned parents wondering: "How could this happen?  How can we prevent it?" 

Now, after an in-depth city investigation, it's quite clear why gun violence broke out.  The promoter never filed a dance permit. 

"And why would they?" asked Cecil Thomas, Chairman of Cincinnati's Law and Public Saftey Committee.  "It's a minor misdemeanor - that's right, just a $100 fine for having a dance without a permit."

But if Thomas has his way, a first-time violation will result in a fourth-degree misdemanor, or up to 30 days in jail.  It's what proponents say is a surefire way to curb future permit-free dances - and therefore gun play.

"Yeah, I pretty much stay away from dances with permits," admitted Tri-State gang-banger Anfernee Wilson, who did not give his name, but we read it off his gold-monogrammed 20-inch tire rims.  "I mean, why cause chaos and bloodshed for no reason?  As long as the city of Cincinnati is getting their $50 permit fee - I'm cool with it."

CINCINNATI - An anti-abortion rally that drew 400 people Saturday attracted 100 times more press coverage than the event deserved from local media such as the Cincinnati Enquirer, WCPO, and the Cincinnati Dealer.

The 400 marchers who descended on downtown consisted of 260 men, 89 women past their child-bearing years, 40 bible school kids who couldn't spell abortion, and an abortion-hating dog.

DOWNTOWN - Mark Mallory's brief time as mayor has already seen positive changes.  Last week's City Council meeting clocked in at 6 minutes.  The previous meeting lasted only 12 minutes.  Of course, it helps now that there are no council members talking about themselves for 15 minutes *cough* Reece *cough* Smitherman *cough*.  In fact, it is not known if anyone said anything at all.

At the end of the meeting, an astounded Vice Mayor Jim Tarbell asked, "Mr. Mayor, isn't there something else we can talk about?" When informed "No," Tarbell decided to kill some time by doing an Irish jig on top of his table.

CINCINNATI - In the wake of the last six weeks, in which three police officers have been shot, Cincinnati police and public officials vowed to start killing people again.

"If an officer pulls a gun out of a holster and we have citizens complaining, we apologize to you ahead of time," said Fraternal Order of Police (FOP) representative Kathy Harrell.

"When you've been on the job for years, you develop that sixth sense, and ... it allows you to act on that hunch. Many times you are right," said City Councilman Cecil Thomas. He added, "Some of the time, anyway."

The next riot due to the shooting of an unarmed citizen by a police officer is scheduled for June 13, 2006 (weather permitting).

HAMILTON CTY - Following a decision to sentence a man accused of racial slurs to attend a black church, Judge William Mallory Jr. offered another similar sentence.  Mallory sentenced Clarence Biggums, a first-time sex offender, to attend elementary school classes for six weeks.

"It seems readily apparent to me that you have a problem with children," said Mallory. "If you want to get out of jail, you're going to have to raise your child consciousness."

By the time Mallory realized the subtle flaw in his plan, Biggums had already exited the courtroom, kicking up his heels and giggling.

It's been widely accepted that national publications frequently rank Cincinnati and Pittsburgh last and next-to-last in their "Top Cities" rankings.  However, a bet on this past Sunday's playoff game uncovered that that the two cities' respective mayors aren't too fond of where they live either.

By losing the first round of the NFL playoffs, the Bengals forced Mayor Mark Mallory to be a guest in the winning team's city. 

"Oh great.  I get to tour Pittsburgh on Friday," said a sarcastic Mallory.  "See a couple dilapidated steel mills, drink some Iron Shitty [City] beer, and talk to Bill Cowher's chin for 12 hours.  This is the worst day of my life." 

"HOORAY!" cheered the Steelers in the locker room after Sunday's win.  "Mayor O'Connor doesn't have to go to Cincinnati!"

This is a change from nearly 100 years ago, when in 1911, Pittsburgh Mayor Wilbur Cartright would frequently offer the key to his city in a gesture of kindness to an out-of-towner who performed a great feat.  Enter 2006, where the key to the city is the booby prize for losing a sporting event.

The year 2006 is proving to be just as ridiculous as previous years in the Queen City.  Go figure.

Woman Awaits Bengal's Super Bowl Win to Come Back to Life

Madisonville - With a daughter, a friend, and a small granddaughter going about their business downstairs, an elderly woman turned to stone in the upper level of her home while waiting for the Bengals to make it once more to the Super Bowl.

"Well, she was a woman of tremendous faith, and we were just following her wishes," explained caretaker Kathy Painter.  "She said not to bury her, that she would be resurrected when her team made it once again to the promised land."

Police were met with a foul odor upon entering the modest dwelling on Davies Ave. just a few days ago, after the late woman's sister called police to let them know that her sibling had been missing for almost three years. Though residents of the home had kept the air-conditioning on throughout the warm summer months, and blocked the upstairs heating vents during the winter, the odor of death could not be avoided.  

"Everything about this weekend just stinks," noted rookie police officer Josh Moncuso, one of the first to arrive on the scene.  "First the damn Steelers, and now this."

Police Apprehend Suspicious Man

Last week, a suspicious looking man was apprehended attempting to enter City Hall downtown.  Distracting guards with a long-winded jokes that didn't go anywhere, he escaped on foot and was last seen at a peanut stand in Over-The-Rhine.  This image was caught by a security camera. Anyone with information should call Crime Blotters at 513-261-0062.

The mayor and other council-members were also in trouble.

CINCINNATI - Public outrage has engulfed one of Cincinnati’s newest members of city council. Leslie Ghiz was arrested in November of 2000 on a traffic violation and was forced to pay a $76.00 penalty. Ghiz-Gate began taking shape Friday night when several unsuccessful candidates for city council gathered at Alchemize for a pity-party.

According to witnesses, Rev. Damon Lynch made a statement that Ghiz would have never been elected if she had a record like his. He then proceeded to look up her arrest record on the Hamilton County Clerk of Courts website which revealed the information.

Damon then went on to look up Mayor Mark Mallory whose entire family apparently enjoys spending a lot of time in the court system as there were many cases bearing the Mallory family name.