CINCINNATI - A Cincinnati employee recently admitted that he gets "paid big" and doesn't work.

The man, identified only as Milton, came clean in the wake of a recent discovery that a staffer collected $197,000 over the course of 4 years for doing absolutely nothing. 

"Most of the time I just go to the park," Milton said.

City Manager Dave Rager downplayed the incident. "This happens all the time," said Rager, "why is it suddenly news?" 

Milton also claimed that he was able to requisition 170 new staplers through the city's office supply ordering system.

"I bet you dollars to donuts that this isn't donuts we're talking about," Council member Leslie Ghiz said. She also reminded reporters that her name does not rhyme with "whiz".

Milton said he is looking excitedly forward to his automatic 5% raise and new responsibilities, whatever they are, in 2006.

Charles Anthony Jones, 37, had a really, really, really bad day last week.

In less than an hour, police say he managed to break into his girlfriend's home, shoot her, beat up a man living there, put the woman in his car, lead police on a high-speed chase, hit a municipal truck injuring three workers, crash his car causing his girlfriend to be thrown over a guardrail and his car to catch on fire, get tased several times, before finally shooting himself in the head.

He is listed in critical condition.

LOWER PRICE HILL - Following the successful results from buying a troublesome house in Price Hill, city officials announced that they will move the plan forward by buying all the houses in Price Hill.

"This is a great crime-fighting initiative," said Mayor Mallory.  "By razing everything in Price Hill, the crime rate is sure to drop."

"Next, we'll expand the program by buying everything around Washington Park, including the school, but we'll do it through a quasi-private entity so as not to arouse any conflict of interest. I love this plan!"

DOWNTOWN - City and community leaders met on Monday over growing concerns about gun violence and drugs.

"It's going to take each and every one of us out in the community to get down, roll up our sleeves, buckle down, sit down and listen," said City Councilmember Laketa Cole.

After several muffled nods in agreement, everyone in attendance formed a big circle, placed their hand on the back of the person in front of them, and started patting.

Experts agree that after a few more of these meetings, the violence problems should go away on their own.

10. Cindy Sheehan getting arrested in the gallery for wearing a protest t-shirt under her clothes.

9. Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich) mouthing the word fucker to a colleague.

8. Senator Mike Crapo (D-ID), I only mention his name, because of it.

7. An Army General standing behind the Supreme Court Justices inadvertently threw a forearm to the head of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas in attempt to shake the Presidents hand.

6. George Bush and his constant battle with the word Nuclear.

5. The bloated carcass of Ted Kennedy.

HYDE PARK - On the heels of the fourth high-profile crime in this affluent east side neighborhood since the beginning of the year, residents are jumpy.

"That's it.  I'm outta here," said former Madison Rd. resident Tim Kweller as he pushed his Herman Miller replica office chair down the sidewalk.  "I'm moving to somewhere safer, where you don't have to worry about being shot at in your favorite Irish sports bar featuring over 30 beers on tap."

Other residents are taking an opposite stance.

"BRING IT ON!!" yelled Bill Hurley, as he wheeled a mounted Gatling gun into his home.  Hurley would not answer any more questions, claiming he was too busy digging holes for the pungee sticks.

Office worker Christy Osborne may have summed it up the best: "So what are you going to do, sit in your house all night and don't come out? Or are you going to start packing heat?"

CINCINNATI - President Bush announced plans to visit Cincinnati next month on his "If you can't contribute, then you've got nuthin' to say" tour. The Cincinnati Dealer, whose unspoken motto is ironically similar, received an advance copy of the invitation:

You Are Cordially Invited to Welcome

ACTING PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

In Honor Of

U.S. Senator Mike DeWine

Abramoff Appetizers - $5,000 Per Person 

Cash Bar

Appetizers Extra

DOWNTOWN - In a story about Mark Mallory's decision to hold private meetings with Council members, Enquirer editor Tom Callinan sticks his own thoughts on the issue into the story.  There is seemingly no other justification for his opinion, other than a mention of the Enquirer's editorial board.  Cincinnati Dealer editor Harold offered an explanation: "I guess that's why it's good to be the editor."

At the heart of the story, Mallory continues to impress with his productivity gains.  Now, council meetings finish in the time it takes to smoke a cigarette!  And now, single-party meetings that happened away from City Hall now happen at City Hall!

Critics, evidently somehow uncomfortable with the Mayor of the city talking with Council members of the city, say there should be no closed doors.

But many, including Councilman Chris Monzel, are willing to give Mallory the benefit of the doubt. "I've talked more to Mark in his first two months that I did with Charlie in four years."