COLUMBUS - Columbus Attorney D. Michael Crites, the Republican candidate chosen to run in a special election to replace Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann, revealed his plan Friday to "comb over the AG office with a fine-toothed comb". 

"As Ohio Attorney General, I promise to add my own growth and maturity to the Attorney General's office," Crites told reporters, "And then carefully comb that growth over the bald spot of impropriety, left by Marc Dann."

"This is all speaking metaphorically, of course," added Crites.

Crites additionally promised voters a steady, unwavering comb over of the Attorney General office, "much like the combing over that Senator John McCain and Congressman Steve Chabot have brought to Congress."

Crites declined to comment on allegations that he is being investigated by the hair police for crimes against eyesight.

NORWOOD - Eleven acres of grass and dirt remain untouched since the Ohio Supreme Court finally ended the city of Norwood's abuse of eminent domain. "It's horrible, absolutely horrible," said Oakley resident Cassie Armstrong to the Enquirer.

Membres of the West Chestre Communitie gathre around the Towne Centre Clocke Towre

WEST CHESTER TWP -  In the tradition of its recent additions, "The Square at Union Centre" and "Towne Centre Square", West Chester Township is in the process of renaming itself to the more quaint "West Chestre Towneshippe".

The only item holding up the name change is a debate between township trustees as to whether the word "West" has an "e" on the end of it or not, a sticking point that Trustee Catherine Stoker supports.

"The 'e' at the end of 'West' just goes without saying," said Stoker, "Next thing, I suppose you're going to try to tell me that 'Towne' shouldn't have an 'e' on the end of it."

Trustee Lee Wong sees it differently.

"Towne is obviously pronounced the same as 'Town', but 'Weste' with an 'e' at the end almost looks foreign, possibly French," said Wong.

Nevertheless, both Stoker and Wong can agree on one thing: Stoker should definitely  change her last name to "Stokre". 

ANWR, ALASKA - House Republican Leader John Boehner of West Chester left with an expedition of fact-finding Republicans this morning on a journey to the center of the earth via a passage way beneath the ANWR glacier in Alaska. 

Boehner was inspired after reading Jules Verne's classic novel about a world of dinosaurs and rich oil fields beneath the Earth's mantle.

"Actually, it was Brendan Fraser's new movie that truly convinced me of the reality of Verne's novel," Boehner told reporters this week, before emphasizing how cool the the 3-D special effects were.  

"I believe in Jules Verne's tales of the underworld's dinosaur soup," continued Boehner, "We will examine the earth's center, it's dinosaur oils, its phosporescent rocks, while our ingenious induction coil lamps light the way to a lasting energy future, that house Democrats are still in denial of."

Boehner claims that high gas prices have nothing to do with the Republicans being the ruling party for the past 7 1/2 years, and everything to do with the reluctance of Democrats to tap into the rich oil reserves from the lost city of Atlantis.

Admittedly, it would be decades before any of these Atlantean reserves could be used, and analysts believe they would provide at most 6 months of oil.   Boehner says that the vast oil reserves already available in Texas would "cheapen" the oil trade, but he still wants to pursue the rich black gold at the earth's core, at least until November.  Boehner also scoffs at the environmentalists who are concerned about the habitat of the giant iguanas and dinosaurs deep inside the earth.

 "Hey, it's just the center of the earth," said Boehner, "It's not like anybody lives down there."  

CINCINNATI - Underwhelmed by the Census Bureau's estimate of 332,458 for Cincinnati's population that fell only 42 people short of that all-important 332,500 threshold, Mayor Mark Mallory is spending all weekend searching for 42 additional residents rather than concentrating on the NAACP convention. 

 "I know the NAACP convention is this week, but I would prefer if it was the National Association for the Advancement of Cincinnati's Population," said Mallory, "Because I just know for a fact that we've got at least 332,500."

Steps that Mallory is taking to find the additional 42 residents include:

1. Asking visiting NAACP convention-goers if they feel "at home" in Cincinnati, videotaping their responses.

2. Hiring Mexican immigrant laborers as part of his bodyguard team.

3. Investigating area Siamese twins to ensure they are being counted as two, not one.

4. Asking Elmwood Place mayor if they mind being annexed.

5. Calling up Leslie Ghiz to see if the baby's arrived yet.

6. Checking to make sure that adults who still live with their parents are being included in estimates.

CINCINNATI - Ever since it publicly opposed the use of euphemisms in the pages of CityBeat, Citizens for Community Values (CCV) has been looking for new ways to promote, well, community values.  In his latest campaign, CCV director Phil Burress is speaking out against the use of cameras on Walnut Street, in Cincinnati's red light district.

"Not only can a red light district camera depict dangerous pornography worse than any Sears brassiere ad," said Burress, "But recent studies show they do nothing to improve safety."

Burress point to the marked increase in smashed cameras and pimp slappings that occurred in Amsterdam before red light district cameras were banned there.  He is also concerned about an infamous Walnut Street figure who goes by the name of "Big Brother Pimpin'".

"Safety concerns and the Big Brother factor are the reasons I oppose the use of red light district cameras on Walnut Street," said Burress, "I understand the desire to photograph and expose these sex workers, but safety is the first priority."

"Rather than photograph a Walnut Street hooker, citizens concerned about community values should take the safer route, and videotape a dirty movie at your local motel," said Burress, "That is, as long as you promise to send us a copy."

 
                       FLIP                                                                    FLOP 

CINCINNATI - While John McCain was in Cincinnati last weekend, he sampled some of Cincinnati's famous Skyline Chili, and exposed yet another flip-flop in his stance on the use of a chili bib.

"At first, Senator McCain thought Cincinnati chili was too messy, so messy that it requires a bib," said Mayor Mallory, "But ol'  flip-flop McCain broke his word to protect his shirt and tie, and later removed the bib."

"Next thing, you're going to tell me that he changed his position on veteran's benefits," added Mallory.

"My friends, I was for the chili bib before I was against it," said McCain at a press conference this weekend, "I had ordered my 3-way 'wet', but as you can see from the photos, my 3-way was definitely not wet. I think the American people can appreciate the need for flexibility under changing circumstances."

Nevertheless, political analysts believe that that this new ambiguity could hurt the candidate who once had a reputation for being a straight talker. Which McCain would voters see in a McCain presidency - the chili bib McCain, or the beef-splattered shirt  McCain?

COLUMBUS - A science experiment gone awry has drawn the attention of millions of Christians.  Mount Vernon Middle School Science teacher John Freshwater was only trying to demonstrate to his class the volatile effect that burning a student's arm can have on a teacher's career.

^{The image of Jesus on the cross which miraculously appeared after Freshwater burned an "X" into the child's arm has rocked the Christian world.} 

^{"This was merely a lesson for students" said Freshwater, "I never expected a miracle.  To be punished for God's intervention is outrageous."}

^{Inspired by the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich that fetched $28,000, the enterprising student has put his arm up for sale on Ebay.}
 

3CDC did not curb spending on helpful orange paint, so you know exactly where to pop your wheelie

CINCINNATI -  Apparently Fountain Square Garage is joining in on the fun events at Fountain Square, as The Cincinnati Beacon reported on 3CDC's obstacle course for people in wheelchairs.

Wheelchair-bound visitors who don't want the challenge of dodging traffic or popping wheelies will have to park elsewhere for the time being.

"We just spent a big chunk of our budget on hundreds of disposable dead fish," said Fountain Square managing director Bill Donabedian, "So you can see why it was important to curb our curb spending."

"And the cost of adding the letters 'USA' to the end of all our Taste of Cincinnati marketing materials has also put a damper on our recent budget," continued Donabedian, "So I hope the handicapped people understand."

As part of the plan to curb their curb spending, 3CDC will be distributing a much more affordable "Wheelchair Wheelies" factsheet at the garage.

CINCINNATI - Political analysts took note this week as Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune took himself out of consideration as Barack Obama's Vice Presidential nominee.

At a special press conference today, Portune sought to preempt any possible rumors floating around that he might actually be on Obama's "short list".

"I am flattered to be considered," said Portune, "But I am not seeking the office of Vice President of the United States at this time.  I don't know if I could possibly be any clearer."

"I would of course be honored," he said, "But I am just a humble civil servant and awesome attorney who has never cheated on his wife."

"My talents are much better suited for a more simple office than the Vice Presidency, such as... oh I don't know, Ohio Attorney General, for one."