COLUMBUS - A science experiment gone awry has drawn the attention of millions of Christians.  Mount Vernon Middle School Science teacher John Freshwater was only trying to demonstrate to his class the volatile effect that burning a student's arm can have on a teacher's career.

^{The image of Jesus on the cross which miraculously appeared after Freshwater burned an "X" into the child's arm has rocked the Christian world.} 

^{"This was merely a lesson for students" said Freshwater, "I never expected a miracle.  To be punished for God's intervention is outrageous."}

^{Inspired by the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich that fetched $28,000, the enterprising student has put his arm up for sale on Ebay.}
 

3CDC did not curb spending on helpful orange paint, so you know exactly where to pop your wheelie

CINCINNATI -  Apparently Fountain Square Garage is joining in on the fun events at Fountain Square, as The Cincinnati Beacon reported on 3CDC's obstacle course for people in wheelchairs.

Wheelchair-bound visitors who don't want the challenge of dodging traffic or popping wheelies will have to park elsewhere for the time being.

"We just spent a big chunk of our budget on hundreds of disposable dead fish," said Fountain Square managing director Bill Donabedian, "So you can see why it was important to curb our curb spending."

"And the cost of adding the letters 'USA' to the end of all our Taste of Cincinnati marketing materials has also put a damper on our recent budget," continued Donabedian, "So I hope the handicapped people understand."

As part of the plan to curb their curb spending, 3CDC will be distributing a much more affordable "Wheelchair Wheelies" factsheet at the garage.

CINCINNATI - Political analysts took note this week as Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune took himself out of consideration as Barack Obama's Vice Presidential nominee.

At a special press conference today, Portune sought to preempt any possible rumors floating around that he might actually be on Obama's "short list".

"I am flattered to be considered," said Portune, "But I am not seeking the office of Vice President of the United States at this time.  I don't know if I could possibly be any clearer."

"I would of course be honored," he said, "But I am just a humble civil servant and awesome attorney who has never cheated on his wife."

"My talents are much better suited for a more simple office than the Vice Presidency, such as... oh I don't know, Ohio Attorney General, for one."

CINCINNATI - An area dog molester would like to remain anonymous from the community at large, he told The Dealer this week.

Accused of molesting dogs in 17 states, the Fido fondler says he would like to avoid the intrusion of the public eye as he attempts to move on with his life.

 "I would appreciate it if you preserved my anonymity for this story," the pooch petter told The Dealer, "I really would like to keep this matter between myself and my dog... I mean god."

In an effort to help the dachshund diddler preserve his anonymity, The Dealer has obscured his photograph so that nobody could possibly recognize him.  

Nevertheless, local dog owners are advised to keep  their dogs leashed, especially in the vicinity of City Hall, where the anonymous dog molester may or may not be an anonymous office holder.

But I thought this would be a body rub.

But are the words "hot hot hot steamy body rub" necessarily code for illegal prostitution?  Not according to local Adult Entertainer Shirley Minxxx.

"You have no idea how many suckers think they're going to get laid when they hear those magic words," said Minxxx.

Rather than the Hamilton County Sheriff concentrating his efforts on arresting prostitutes, he has joined the CCV in its war on euphemisms.

"We will win the war on euphemisms," said Sheriff Simon Leis, "We must absolutely ban anyone from using language that could possibly be misconstrued as illegal, especially in alternative news weeklies."

"It's not that prostitutes are hard to prosecute," added Sheriff Leis, "It's just that words are a much easier target ."

Ironically, anything the CCV pays attention to, they are effectively promoting -  Monday's news conference has prompted a surge in hot tantric massages and steamy reiki body work performed by local hot stunning brunettes.

0 out of 3 ain't bad

The identity thief, a Presbyterian store clerk named Brett Pritchard, said his only motive was to defy the stereotypes that Amanda Mayes had promoted.

"I nabbed Amanda Mayes's social, not only for the profitability aspect," said Pritchard, "But to prove that you don't have to be a Jew to steal her black identity."

"And how sweet it feels to steal her identity," added Pritchard, "All of a sudden I'm out of the red, and into the black, and I owe it all to Nate Livingston."

Livingston is currently seeking a blogging service that respects his First Amendment right to publish Mayes's social security number, credit card number, PayPal password, and medical record history.

New developments have emerged in the aftermath of Senator Hillary Clinton's reference to the RFK assassination. The Dealer has obtained a copy of Hillary's personal long-term planning calendar that would seem to corroborate the Clinton campaign's assertion that she uses assassinations as timeline markers on her calendar. 

Clinton tells Kentucky to throw its Y's in the air

COVINGTON, KY - A local Covington crowd enabled Hillary Clinton's quixotic campaign to continue during yesterday's Maifest rally.

Not only did Clinton tout her lead in popular votes among cherry-picked vote totals, but also her lead in states ending in the letter "Y' - an important metric, since no Democrat has won the presidency in the past 28 years without winning New Jersey and Kentucky.

"As goes states ending in the letter 'Y', so goes the nation," Clinton told the Covington crowd, "What is it about Senator Obama's inability to win states ending in the letter 'Y', great states like Kentucky and New Jersey."

"Kentucky will send a message to the superdelegates, who can overturn this whole thing," she said, "Not only do white voters support me, but so do 'Y' voters."

In response to Clinton's Covington rally, Barack Obama told reporters in Oregon, "Senator Clinton may be leading among states ending in the letter 'Y', but the numbers show that I'm leading on days ending in the letter 'Y'."

Dann investigates the lint on his suit

COLUMBUS -  After being pressured to appoint a special investigator who would investigate himself for impeachment proceedings,  Marc Dann decided there was only one investigator who was qualified to investigate himself: Marc Dann.

"He really is the most qualified to investigate Marc Dann, and really knows the most about this situation," said Dann, "I don't know of anyone who would be better for this impeachment investigation than Marc Dann, and that's why I appointed him."

Soon after making the historic self-appointment,  Dann discovered that there were big problems with how Marc Dann had conducted himself as Ohio Attorney General.  

 "After further review of Attorney General Dann, I have discovered that he sure messed things up," said Dann on Wednesday, "I have no further details to add, other than it would seem that Marc Dann should really make up with his wife, and I really really hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive him."

Marc Dann asked for Marc Dann's resignation, effective immediately, and recommended impeachment if Dann resisted. 

Putting up no resistance,  Marc Dann obliged Marc Dann's request, putting in his two weeks notice retroactive to two weeks ago.

Meet Marc Ann

COLUMBUS - On Saturday, Ohio Democratic Party leaders nearly unanimously voted to strip the "D" from Marc Dann's last name - a move that is sure to distance the Democrats from the disgraced Ohio Attorney General, but could cause confusion as impeachment proceedings are being considered.

"Without that D in his name, Marc Dann will have absolutely nothing to do with the Democratic Party," said Governor Strickland. "We are also looking into changing his voter registration to Republican."

"He just doesn't deserve that 'D' in his last name", said party chairman Chris Redfern.

"I just hope he doesn't try to use a legal loophole to avoid impeachment," said Redfern, "After all, Marc Ann wasn't the one who had an affair."

In response to the change, Marc Ann engaged in a bit of sexual harrassment with the executive party committee, telling them, "Suck my D".