WASHINGTON - This week, President Obama met with the Federal Railroad Administration concerning Cincinnati's Issue 9. 

Obama later told reporters that if Issue 9 passes, the plans for a national high-speed rail network will have to go on hold "until Cincinnati voters have approved of our national project".

"Although many cities would gladly replace Cincinnati as a central midwestern hub for this high speed passenger rail network," said Obama, "Cincinnati's Issue 9 simply means that we will have to shelve this entire national project until Cincinnati voters have made their final decision".

"It just wouldn't be fair to exclude Cincinnati from all our initial planning merely because we have to wait for them to schedule and vote in a referendum 2 years after all the planning begins," he said.

Obama then noted that it might be much easier to change the national spelling of the word "passenger" to "passenjer" in order to bypass Issue 9's obstacle to "all passenger rail".

CINCINNATI -  Should the city of Cincinnati have red light cameras?  Former Mayor Luken vetoed them.  Mayor Mallory said he would veto any red-light camera ordinances passed by City Council, while Council itself rejected red-light cameras this year. 

Additionally, Issue 7 passed last week, effectively banning red-light cameras from Cincinnati.  However, some members of City Council want a fifth opinion.

"The mayor has spoken, City Council has spoken, and the people of Cincinnati have spoken," said Councilman Cecil Thomas, "But are we really really sure about not doing the whole red light camera thing?"

Thomas convinced Council on Monday that a focus group of visitors to Cincinnati needs to weigh in on the issue, "just to be really really certain".

The focus group of city visitors will be given a faux $120 dollar traffic ticket, along with a survey asking them whether the ticket would make them more or less likely to return to Cincinnati.  A follow-up survey would then ask if they are "absolutely sure" about their answers to the first survey.

INDIAN HILL - On Monday, Independent 2nd District Congressional candidate David Krikorian claimed that there were some inconsistencies in Congresswoman Jean Schmidt's story about being hit by a car on her right side while jogging last week. 

"I listened to Jean Schmidt tell her story on the news, and that really isn't how I remember mowing her down at all," Krikorian told reporters.

Krikorian said that he had not edged dangerously closer to the side of the road, as Schmidt claimed the unknown hit and run driver had done.

"She was the one who nearly ran me off the road," said Krikorian, "After blinding me with her reflector vest, she did a pirouette, stuck out her bony left hip, and put a huge dent in my passenger side door, all while making sassy remarks about patriotism."

"I know exactly what happened because I was there," said Krikorian, "How can we trust Congresswoman Schmidt, when I know for a fact it was definitely not her right side, but her left side that I plowed into."

"Now don't feel sorry for her - this lady has hips made of titanium," he added, "You should feel sorry for me - I spilled coffee all over my trousers."

After reporters confronted him on the fact that his car was undamaged, Krikorian was forced to confess that he could not take credit for mowing down Schmidt.   He said he had a good reason to lie about being the hit and run driver.

 "Sorry, that was just my ploy to get sympathy, and therefore, votes," said Krikorian.

After receiving medical treatment for two broken ribs and two broken vertebrae, Schmidt ran the Chicago marathon on Sunday in 3 hours 48 minutes.  She is back in Washington this week, working on a $12 million sidewalk earmark. 

CINCINNATI - In November, the Board of Elections will actually use Proportional Representation (PR) when PR goes on the ballot for Issue 8, so that voters can better understand how  PR works.   

Voters will have a chance to rank their "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" choices on the ballot (see picture example). PR advocates applauded this move, stating that "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" would be better represented by their constituencies in this election.

Here's how PR works:

For purposes of this example, let's say "No" gets the most first place votes in November. Any surplus of votes for No will then be redistributed to the surplus voters' second choice.   So some No voters get their first choice, while other, specialer No voters get their second choice.

If enough No voters had chosen a second choice of "Maybe", then Maybe could potentially move into first place, and become more proportionally represented than No.   However, many of  Maybe's new surplus of votes could then be deferred to the third choice of even specialer voters: "Yes".   Therefore, "Yes" would become the winner, becoming truly, the most proportionally represented of them all.

CINCINNATI - The Walgreens at the corner of Colerain and West Galbraith seems innocent enough, but a new petition being circulated by Congressman Steve Chabot says otherwise.  Due to its proximity to some area schools, Chabot is demanding that Walgreens close its operations before the school season begins, as he explained in a Monday morning press conference.

"This Walgreens is a den of obscenity, a location where birth control pills, condoms, lubricants, and pregnancy tests are being sold a stone's throw from both St. Ann Elementary School and AAAA Driving School," said Chabot.

"Walgreens lures these children into the store with their discounts on Twizzlers and Jujubes, which are conveniently located not far from the fruit-flavored lubes," he said.

Walgreens released a statement expressing confusion about the timing of this petition, since this location has been opened for over 5 years, and is not required to close its operations even if a petition urging its demise is started by a congressman.

Although this Walgreens does not perform abortions, Chabot made the argument that birth control pills were like "tiny abortions in candy form".  Nevertheless, even kids who don't have a prescription to the birth control pills are given other options by Walgreens, according to Chabot.

"You're not going to believe this, but they even sell coat hangers at this Walgreens," said Chabot.

SHARONVILLE - A container of Vick's VapoRub was arrested by Sharonville police on Saturday for the charge of offering body rubs without a license.

Police are considering a greater charge of prostitution, but only if they can prove that anyone paid to have sexual contact with the mentholated ointment container.

"It's not that we don't want containers of VapoRub to have any fun,"  said Sharonville Lt.John Cook, "We just don't want anyone paying for a special VapoRub massage."

This container of VapoRub isn't a licensed massage therapist, but Lt. Cook says that didn't stop it from offering to rub on an undercover cop's chest and throat, for the temporary relief of his cold.  

"And it didn't stop there," said Lt. Cook, "It proceeded to offer to rub on his muscles and joints, stating that it would temporarily relieve his aches and pains."

"Now if that isn't code language for prostitution, I don't know what is," he added.

Local consumer products giant Procter & Gamble, which manufactures VapoRub, quickly distanced itself from the rogue practicing-massage-without-a-license ointment container.  A P&G representative told reporters that this incident should not reflect poorly on all of the other law-abiding containers of VapoRub.

NORWOOD - Eleven acres of grass and dirt remain untouched since the Ohio Supreme Court finally ended the city of Norwood's abuse of eminent domain. "It's horrible, absolutely horrible," said Oakley resident Cassie Armstrong to the Enquirer.

Membres of the West Chestre Communitie gathre around the Towne Centre Clocke Towre

WEST CHESTER TWP -  In the tradition of its recent additions, "The Square at Union Centre" and "Towne Centre Square", West Chester Township is in the process of renaming itself to the more quaint "West Chestre Towneshippe".

The only item holding up the name change is a debate between township trustees as to whether the word "West" has an "e" on the end of it or not, a sticking point that Trustee Catherine Stoker supports.

"The 'e' at the end of 'West' just goes without saying," said Stoker, "Next thing, I suppose you're going to try to tell me that 'Towne' shouldn't have an 'e' on the end of it."

Trustee Lee Wong sees it differently.

"Towne is obviously pronounced the same as 'Town', but 'Weste' with an 'e' at the end almost looks foreign, possibly French," said Wong.

Nevertheless, both Stoker and Wong can agree on one thing: Stoker should definitely  change her last name to "Stokre". 

 
                       FLIP                                                                    FLOP 

CINCINNATI - While John McCain was in Cincinnati last weekend, he sampled some of Cincinnati's famous Skyline Chili, and exposed yet another flip-flop in his stance on the use of a chili bib.

"At first, Senator McCain thought Cincinnati chili was too messy, so messy that it requires a bib," said Mayor Mallory, "But ol'  flip-flop McCain broke his word to protect his shirt and tie, and later removed the bib."

"Next thing, you're going to tell me that he changed his position on veteran's benefits," added Mallory.

"My friends, I was for the chili bib before I was against it," said McCain at a press conference this weekend, "I had ordered my 3-way 'wet', but as you can see from the photos, my 3-way was definitely not wet. I think the American people can appreciate the need for flexibility under changing circumstances."

Nevertheless, political analysts believe that that this new ambiguity could hurt the candidate who once had a reputation for being a straight talker. Which McCain would voters see in a McCain presidency - the chili bib McCain, or the beef-splattered shirt  McCain?