WASHINGTON - This week, President Obama met with the Federal Railroad Administration concerning Cincinnati's Issue 9. 

Obama later told reporters that if Issue 9 passes, the plans for a national high-speed rail network will have to go on hold "until Cincinnati voters have approved of our national project".

"Although many cities would gladly replace Cincinnati as a central midwestern hub for this high speed passenger rail network," said Obama, "Cincinnati's Issue 9 simply means that we will have to shelve this entire national project until Cincinnati voters have made their final decision".

"It just wouldn't be fair to exclude Cincinnati from all our initial planning merely because we have to wait for them to schedule and vote in a referendum 2 years after all the planning begins," he said.

Obama then noted that it might be much easier to change the national spelling of the word "passenger" to "passenjer" in order to bypass Issue 9's obstacle to "all passenger rail".

CINCINNATI -  On Monday, the President of the local chapter of the NAACP, Christopher Smitherman, proposed that the local chapter break off from the national NAACP, in order to exclusively focus on issues that aren't even remotely associated with the national NAACP's historic work.   Smitherman aims to instead focus on the evils of passenger rail transit.

The new name, The New Association for the Advancement of COAST's Politics, references the pro-suburban organization "COAST" which is concerned with promoting cars (especially the type of cars that coast).

Smitherman had essentially already married the local chapter to COAST's pro-car and anti-train politics, so the NAACP acronym's new meaning seemed a natural fit. 

 "We didn't want to change much about the NAACP," said Smitherman,  "We already had the logo and the group.. plus, I am President, so why change anything there?" 

"It's just that the national NAACP didn't seem to really understand how all passenger rail will destroy black people in Cincinnati, so we just had to break off from them."

Smitherman still contends that passenger rail somehow threatens the livelihood of black people.

"Everyone knows that as a slave, John Henry died building a streetcar line," said Smitherman, "If only there had been an anti-passenger rail initiative in John Henry's time."

 "If we do accept federal money for the streetcar or any other choo-choo train projects, it's just Cincinnati's first step towards enslaving black people again."

On Monday, an anonymous member of COAST also voiced his concern to the The Dealer that federal stimulus rail projects such as the streetcar, might help revitalize the city's core.

 "If the Cincinnati city core continues down this dangerous 'revitalization' path," he said,  "Possibly even less people will want to move to the suburbs, and our property values in Indian Hill, Mason, Sharonville, and West Chester will all plummet." 

CINCINNATI -  Should the city of Cincinnati have red light cameras?  Former Mayor Luken vetoed them.  Mayor Mallory said he would veto any red-light camera ordinances passed by City Council, while Council itself rejected red-light cameras this year. 

Additionally, Issue 7 passed last week, effectively banning red-light cameras from Cincinnati.  However, some members of City Council want a fifth opinion.

"The mayor has spoken, City Council has spoken, and the people of Cincinnati have spoken," said Councilman Cecil Thomas, "But are we really really sure about not doing the whole red light camera thing?"

Thomas convinced Council on Monday that a focus group of visitors to Cincinnati needs to weigh in on the issue, "just to be really really certain".

The focus group of city visitors will be given a faux $120 dollar traffic ticket, along with a survey asking them whether the ticket would make them more or less likely to return to Cincinnati.  A follow-up survey would then ask if they are "absolutely sure" about their answers to the first survey.

INDIAN HILL - On Monday, Independent 2nd District Congressional candidate David Krikorian claimed that there were some inconsistencies in Congresswoman Jean Schmidt's story about being hit by a car on her right side while jogging last week. 

"I listened to Jean Schmidt tell her story on the news, and that really isn't how I remember mowing her down at all," Krikorian told reporters.

Krikorian said that he had not edged dangerously closer to the side of the road, as Schmidt claimed the unknown hit and run driver had done.

"She was the one who nearly ran me off the road," said Krikorian, "After blinding me with her reflector vest, she did a pirouette, stuck out her bony left hip, and put a huge dent in my passenger side door, all while making sassy remarks about patriotism."

"I know exactly what happened because I was there," said Krikorian, "How can we trust Congresswoman Schmidt, when I know for a fact it was definitely not her right side, but her left side that I plowed into."

"Now don't feel sorry for her - this lady has hips made of titanium," he added, "You should feel sorry for me - I spilled coffee all over my trousers."

After reporters confronted him on the fact that his car was undamaged, Krikorian was forced to confess that he could not take credit for mowing down Schmidt.   He said he had a good reason to lie about being the hit and run driver.

 "Sorry, that was just my ploy to get sympathy, and therefore, votes," said Krikorian.

After receiving medical treatment for two broken ribs and two broken vertebrae, Schmidt ran the Chicago marathon on Sunday in 3 hours 48 minutes.  She is back in Washington this week, working on a $12 million sidewalk earmark. 

CINCINNATI -   While Proportional Representation (PR) is on the ballot this year, its biggest advocates are emphasizing how simple it is to understand.  One aspect that is downplayed by many Issue 8 proponents is the role chance takes in PR. 

Under PR, a simple roll of the die on election night  can decide who will be on city council.   After the polls close in a PR system, the Board of Elections will gather around to roll a special 8-sided die.   This die will determine which of the following eight PR variations will be implemented:

1.  Extra Representation - First, you divide the winning margin of the top candidate by 9.  You take the remainder and then multiply it by whatever number comes up on your Ouija board.  Multiply this number by 10, take the square root, and then you should have a precinct number.  This precinct's voters will then have all of their second choice ballots counted.  Rinse and repeat.

2.  Non-Voter Representation -  Unlike other variations of PR, this system does not transfer the votes of the candidates who received the least votes.  Instead, these candidates will receive a set of "virtual votes" from the non-voting public.  The theory is that the candidates who receive the lowest vote totals would best represent the sizeable non-voting public.

3. Height-Weight Proportionate Representation - This system will eliminate all candidates who are full-figured or those who have a "few extra pounds".  Their votes will then be donated to the American Obesity Association.

4.  IQ Range Representation - This system will split the voters into nine IQ ranges, based on a quick IQ test.  The candidate with the most votes from an IQ range wins a seat on council.  This ensures that all IQ ranges are fairly represented.

5.  Abstract Expressiontation - This method only counts the vote bubbles which have been penciled in with feeling.

6. One Voter, Almost One Vote - This calculating technique will count a voter's top two choices as two percentages, the sum of which equal 0.999999999.

7. Roxanne Representation - In this system, the candidate with the most first place votes (Roxanne Qualls) appoints her first choice to join her on council. Then that person picks his/her first choice, and so on, and so on, until all 9 seats are filled.

8. Mulligan Representation - This version of PR is a repeated process of counting the ballots, both original and randomly selected.    The Board of Elections then keeps on issuing recounts until Mayor Mallory is satisfied with the final results.

CINCINNATI - In November, the Board of Elections will actually use Proportional Representation (PR) when PR goes on the ballot for Issue 8, so that voters can better understand how  PR works.   

Voters will have a chance to rank their "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" choices on the ballot (see picture example). PR advocates applauded this move, stating that "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" would be better represented by their constituencies in this election.

Here's how PR works:

For purposes of this example, let's say "No" gets the most first place votes in November. Any surplus of votes for No will then be redistributed to the surplus voters' second choice.   So some No voters get their first choice, while other, specialer No voters get their second choice.

If enough No voters had chosen a second choice of "Maybe", then Maybe could potentially move into first place, and become more proportionally represented than No.   However, many of  Maybe's new surplus of votes could then be deferred to the third choice of even specialer voters: "Yes".   Therefore, "Yes" would become the winner, becoming truly, the most proportionally represented of them all.

 
One bumper sticker warning that the windstorm didn't heed

CINCINNATI - Sunday's windstorm, whether brought on by Hurricane Ike or a Cincinnati hockey mascot, totally ignored warnings by the Ohio Department of Agriculture to never move firewood under any circumstances.

"When that windstorm decided to pull down trees, and blow broken tree limbs everywhere, I don't know if it realized that it was blatantly breaking Ohio law," said Ohio Dept. of Agriculture head Robert Boggs, "You should never move firewood, even if you happen to be a windstorm, and you're only moving the firewood 200 feet."

"And that goes for everyone visiting this state, whether you're about to go camping in one of Ohio's beautiful state parks,  or if you're getting ready to cause blackouts for thousands of people," said Boggs.

Boggs is asking that the windstorm be fined 2 million dollars for the crime of moving firewood, and 3.5 million for just being an "overall putz".

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Cyclones' loveable yet psychotic mascot "Twister" made a surprise summertime appearance in the Tri-State area on Sunday.

Since Cincinnati isn't typically well-known for its cyclones, Twister decided that his team wasn't getting the publicity it needed and deserved.

"We won the Kelly cup this year, and our team didn't even sell out tickets for the finals," Twister told reporters as he nonchalantly toppled some Clifton power lines.

"People complain about the losing sports teams in Cincinnati, but they never even come to our games," he added, while tossing a satellite dish as if it were a frisbee.

"First it was the Kelly Cup, but this year the Cyclones are taking over the world," he screamed, as he ripped an 80 foot tree from its root system.

"After I'm finished here, nobody will ever forget this Cincinnati cyclone."

Three local web publications boldly declared this month that the Republican nominee for Vice President would be local Republican Rob Portman.  In addition to The Dealer's prediction, CincyNation and HinesSight were also calling it for Portman.  (The Dealer did correctly predict the first half of the Democratic VP nominee's last name, Bayhden)

Since McCain had announced that he would reveal his VP pick on Friday in Dayton, local boy Portman seemed the obvious choice.  Knowing that veep contender Rob Portman lived near Dayton was just the kind of insider information that could potentially lift a local website to Drudge-like notoriety.  Unfortunately, no predictions were successful.

In hindsight though, McCain's choice of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin couldn't have been any more obvious for a few reasons:

• Geraldine Ferarro led the movement to convince McCain that there is a huge insurgency of liberal Democrats just waiting for a hard right wing woman to be nominated VP so they can vote Republican.
• Having left his first wife for a much younger beauty, McCain couldn't pick any of the much more qualified older Republican women.  He needed someone who could keep him alert on the campaign trail, or rather, someone's butt.
• The most obvious clue that McCain was going to pick a far-right religious extremist who believes that the universe is 6000 years old?  He made his announcement at Dayton's Nutter Center.

Despite having almost 6 months to vet and decide on a running mate, McCain finally made his choice late Thursday night.  In response to accusations that he made an impulsive decision on someone he'd only met once - and without properly vetting Palin (who is under investigation), McCain drew on his military experience.

"Why vet when I am one?" he asked reporters.

CINCINNATI - The Walgreens at the corner of Colerain and West Galbraith seems innocent enough, but a new petition being circulated by Congressman Steve Chabot says otherwise.  Due to its proximity to some area schools, Chabot is demanding that Walgreens close its operations before the school season begins, as he explained in a Monday morning press conference.

"This Walgreens is a den of obscenity, a location where birth control pills, condoms, lubricants, and pregnancy tests are being sold a stone's throw from both St. Ann Elementary School and AAAA Driving School," said Chabot.

"Walgreens lures these children into the store with their discounts on Twizzlers and Jujubes, which are conveniently located not far from the fruit-flavored lubes," he said.

Walgreens released a statement expressing confusion about the timing of this petition, since this location has been opened for over 5 years, and is not required to close its operations even if a petition urging its demise is started by a congressman.

Although this Walgreens does not perform abortions, Chabot made the argument that birth control pills were like "tiny abortions in candy form".  Nevertheless, even kids who don't have a prescription to the birth control pills are given other options by Walgreens, according to Chabot.

"You're not going to believe this, but they even sell coat hangers at this Walgreens," said Chabot.