Personals

Sad, lonely city SEEKING chic, vivacious companion for long term economic relationship. Must feel comfortable luring young, creative types into your uninhibited clutches. If you are willing to teach this old cigar-smoking, whiskey-drinking pile of empty buildings how to enjoy a chocotini and talk post-modern theater, please call ASAP. (Ikea, I'm saving a nice spot along the river for you...)

Bored, single, white male looking for rich widow to leave me her inheritance.  The older the better.  Call Blaine ASAP, 886-3734.

There was nothing better than a lazy afternoon on the couch with a 2-liter of Coca-Cola in one hand and some KY jelly smeared in the other. With porn ablaze from his 30-inch television screen, Jerry "Couch Boy" Matheny lived most of his life in the finished basement of his parents' home in West Chester.

He died Sunday evening after neglecting several years of developing symptoms that would become cirrhosis of the liver. He was 33 and did not have medical coverage.

Classifieds

FOR SALE - One midget. 37 years of age. Has had all his shots, goes by the name of Charles Nelson Riley. Smells like hot dogs. $12 or best offer. Call Blaine 513-886-3734

LOST - Sinkerball along with any closing ability whatsoever. Last seen some time around 2000, near the river. Contact Danny @ 513-765-7000.

LOST - One OxyContin somewhere around 4^th and Vine Streets yesterday. Was saving it for a special occasion. $6.50 reward. Contact Milt Crappus at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it