The Cincinnati Dealer - Classifieds/Personals

Classifieds/Personals

Classifieds

Wanted - 1 bullet or sturdy rope. Seller must accept post dated checks or credit. Call 513-579-6464, ask for Hunter.

Loving It - Entire McDonald’s menu by morbidly obese area weatherman, Tim Hedrick.

Wanted - Good home for affectionate, well mannered, crippled but lovable 3-year old Jack Russell Terrier with good taste! Call Adopt-A-Pooch! At 513-281-5544 and ask about Ruggles!

Obituaries

CINCINNATI - Johan Sklaark passed away in his sleep yesterday ending his night long battle with SIDS. Mr. Sklaark was 43.

CINCINNATI - Dick Rapture passed away this past weekend after his remote died while tuned to a Local 12 Newscast. Mr. Rapture subsequently impaled himself on a candelabra. He is survived by his dog Ruggles who coincidentally jumped through an open 2nd story window around the time of the newscast. Ruggles suffered two broken legs & multiple lacerations, and may never walk again.

# | |

Classifieds

Lost - Supply of Rophynol. Dating life has wilted. If anyone is going to Mexico soon, please purchase a few extra bushels for me, your pal Skip. If Rohypnol not available, will barter for chloroform. No phone or address. If you are ever near the river banks of Ludlow, stop by my dark blue 1982 van.

Needed - Liver. Turns out I drink... a lot. Some people say, “like a fish,” which is true if that fish were a bloated, bulbous nosed, bespectacled man swimming in an ocean of bourbon. Hmm, maybe the Indian Ocean. Anyways, my liver has seen more action than Mickey Mantle or half our nation’s reservations. I’m not on any lists, so you’ll probably have to abduct a drifter. Send information regarding prospective involuntary donees to \n This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it href="mailto: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it "> This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

# | |

Classifieds

FOR SALE - Black Hummer 2002, gets 8 mpg. $200 OBO. Perfect for under-endowed steroid abuser, also makes a nice planter. Call Tony 555-3298.

SWPF ISO - Slender European with a nice seat. Italian preferred. This lady is tired of big gas guzzlers and ready for a change.

FOR SALE - Large supply of dark face paint, approx. 14 pairs of white gloves, several early 20^th century records, and 2 Pat Boone albums. Dusty, but in good condition, found recently in basement of family home. If interested, make best offer to \n This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it href="mailto: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it "> This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

FOR SALE - Baby, like new, garage kept. Used once to smuggle smack. If interested contact the Guttenberg Theatre at 909-412-5454, ask for Steve.

# | |

Turn Back The Clock: Obituaries From October 24, 1929

CINCINNATI - Elijah Skunkle passed away yesterday from natural causes after jumping out of a 9th story window at the corner of 4th and Vine. He was 31. Mr. Skunkle was a stocks trader for Brimmel and Harold. He leaves behind 16 pairs of shoes. Three had tassels.

CINCINNATI - Charles Lammers passed away yesterday from natural causes after jumping out of a 15th story window at the corner of 4th and Vine. He was 31. Lammers was a stocks trader for Brimmel and Harold. He leaves behind, a mess.

Read more... | |

Classifieds

MISSED - Chevy Chase's sense of humor, last seen on the set of Fletch circa 1985. If you any information on its whereabouts, please contact Chevy's agent at 212-569-7728. Ask for Mr. Pune.

LOST - Over 200,000 Ohio jobs, last seen 1 President ago.

FOR RENT - Spacious double-wide, pasty, bloated, homely, and sparingly used area man. Skills include consuming, inhaling, porn bartering, and typing. If interested keep an eye peeled at local bus stops.

# | |

Classifieds

AVAILABLE to a good home. Couch, saddle-broken, with good manners and gentle demeanor. 6' from head to tail, standing 2' 7" at withers. Formerly owned by Richard Gere. Was briefly nested in by family of gerbils, but never by squirrels. Please call 555-8822 and ask for Milt. Must provide 3 references.

WANTED - Life-partner. Must be tolerant of effeminate posturing, girth (ample), debt, bland personality, fetish pornography, girth, and occasional obsessions with other women who are married with children and utterly disinterested. Some people practice magic or karate, I practice creepy. Interested needy women send refrigerator magnet to PO BOX 411, Erlanger KY, 41018.

LOST - 1 full set of dentures while performing oral love on greasy drifter. If either found, contact Ella at Shady Pine Geriatric Center 859-785-8633 .

FOR SALE - Hamilton County Democratic Party. Going cheap!!! Stadiums, Gov't Contracts, Special Corp projects all done for a very low fee. Even install your own Corporate stooge into office! Just waive the money & we'll roll over 4 U!

# | |

Personals

SWCM ISO Friend – No one in town talks to me. They call me ‘that creepy old coot’. I’ve tried passing out fliers to find friends but had no luck. I enjoy skulking round peoples houses at 4 in morning, wearing white bed sheets and a hood. Must enjoy terrorizing minorities and bon fires. Full set of teeth not required. 1st grade education a must!! If interested please contact Cletus in Amelia, OH. Please help. I promise I won’t hurt your kids (so long as I don’t see them mixing with them minorities).

Classifieds

WANTED - Piece of ass. Call Rufus at 859-743-1719

WANTED - 1 bottle of Jergens Skin Firming Moisturizer. Weighs 10.5 oz full, approx. 5.5 oz at last known use. Life-partner abandoned me & porn isn’t the same. If either one found, please contact Mike B no wait, “Jim” at 513-519-2224.

FOR RENT - 1 bdrm apartment with river view in tolerant alternative life-style community located at the corner of Sesame and Vine. Wall to wall felt. Contact Bert at \n This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it href="mailto:bert& This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ">bert& This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

LOST - Lunch during channel surfing accident. Mistakenly tuned to Local 12 News and vomited profusely for 15 minutes during a Cammy Dierking broadcast.

# | |

Classifieds

LOST - Girlfriend, Cheryl, last seen screaming at Wal-Mart cashier. Approx. 5'1", portly, loud, possessive, needy, unsupportive, and domineering. If found, keep the bitch.

MOVED - Bowels.

# | |

Personals

PCWM ISO Aging SWM for LTR - Who honestly believes that an 19 yr old college student really wants to be your friend in exchange for tuition & this does not constitute prostitution. Let me provide the room & board for a change. Contact Lt. Steve Villing with the CPD at 555-3249. Let's stop playing games.

SWPM Geek ISO SBBW Greek - This skinny white web developer can't pronouce gyro but wants to get it one get it on with a hairy woman well endowed due to a lifetime of souvlaki and baklava. Greek olive skin a must! Let me roll you around in a bed of rice pilaf & smuther you in honey, nuts & filo dough. Let's go out for drinks (2 shots of ozuo). Meet me at the Panegyri Greek Festival near the koulourakia stand at 1 P.M.

Classifieds

Lost - Photoshop Editor/sense of humor/future. Illiterate and can't write anything funny without them. If found, please contact, Fred Pastry at the Dealer.

Lost - Self respect. If found, please return to man in white poofy skirt at Panegyri Greek Festival. I've had no ompah since it's been gone.