So.  The Enquirer's runnin' a photo gallery from local high school proms and callin' it "news," eh?

Well here's some news:  I didn't go to my prom, yo.

The year:  1994.  The school:  Walnut Hills.  It had been 4 years since Linear had a hit song, but because the captain of our water polo team had an uncle who knew their agent, they ended up performing at our prom on the cheap.  Other than the fact that Linear sucks complete ass, what, you may ask, was my problem?

I'll tell you my problem.

The school had a vote on the prom theme song. The song that by far received the most votes was "Whoomp! (There it Is)" by Tag Team.  But did "Whoomp! (There it Is)" become our prom theme? 

I don't think so.

Inside
Rising gas prices not a good thing
Leave Ryan Freel alone

Rising gas prices not a good thing

I'm afraid that you truly missed the mark in your editorial last week on rising gas prices ("Rising Gas Prices May Have Silver Lining.") Your implied that if gas prices continue to rise, society may actually see a noticeable decrease in air pollution, provided that the price increase is enough to negate the benefit of the 2003 Tax Act, which gives even white-collar small business owners a tax write-off of up to $100,000 for purchasing a large, unneeded, fuel-inefficient SUV or truck.

Unfortunately, you left out one key fact: Driving a large, unneeded, fuel-inefficient SUV or truck is freaking awesome!

Take it from me, nothing beats the thrill of going for an unnecessary evening ride in your Escalade, and pulling right behind a little shit-of-a-car like a Toyota Echo at a stoplight, so that his pansy-ass rear-view mirror blinds him with the reflection of your over-sized fog lights. Or cutting off 3 cars as you make your way across 4 lanes of highway without a turn signal, forcing people to slam on their brakes but be too afraid to honk the horn because they're afraid a gangster rapper might be behind the tinted glass.

Inside
Article overlooked those who didn't attend college
Thank you for writing that feature
Great, the homos want to get married too?

Article overlooked those who didn't attend college

Your review of local 4-year colleges and universities ("Graduating with Honors," February 23), was missing one important institution of higher learning: The School of Hard Knocks.

My mother used to put out lit cigarette butts on me and by little brothers' faces, so we were glad when she left us. But try being a Mommy at age twelve. That's harder than Advanced Calculus.

Then, 4 years later, when my father died in a fly fishing accident, I had to play Daddy too. Economics 101 won't teach you how to pay a mortgage when you're seventeen, but the School of Hard Knocks sure will.

My story continues in senior year of high school, where I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, Sierra, just five days after graduation. I had to take a third-shift job at a plastic utensil factory just to pay for formula and diapers. I saved what little money I could for eight years before finally having enough to invest in my dream job: Owning a strip-mall nail salon.

Correction
In last week's "Births" section, we reported that Amanda Byrd of Clifton had given virgin birth to the eradicator of all hope, that the seas will swell with blood, and that the infant's awesome power will scythe through all living beings as though they were stalks of wheat.  Ms. Byrd lives in University Heights, not Clifton.  We regret the error.

Instead, we proudly present Jorge Barnes' excitingly new and innovative column, "Your Self-Hating WASP Tour Guide."
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So, David Pepper is runnin' for Mayor. I'm surprised he's not changin' his name to "David Salt" in order to get the black outta his name and get more votes from the cracker community.

That's right, pile your Aunt Jemima pancakes high and smother 'em with Mrs. Butterworth syrup while the city slowly burns, Whitey. But you won't be gettin' my vote.

Did you know that Pepper hasn't been to a synagogue or a mosque once since he's been on council? How are those German lessons comin', Mein Fuhrer?

This all started two weeks ago, while I was hanging around the luxurious office suite of this fetching older gal.  Her name is Nancy Zamfir, and she's the president of the University of Cincinnati. Although I had the hots for her at first, I later decided she's not my type.  I thought she was way too obsessed with that intricate maze on campus, Budig Labyrinth, right across MLK from the EPA.   For some reason UC calls it a labyrinth, but it's more of a maze.

Travel westward on Glendale- Milford Road until it dead-ends into Springfield Pike, and you’ll notice the wondrous transition from Evendale's seedy, dilapidated industrial business district to Woodlawn's seedy, dilapidated fast-food district.  There you’ll find one of the few Tri-state Buffalo Wings and Rings, a Chinese restaurant called 1^st Wok, and a shop called Tobacco Discounters that curiously doesn't sell food at all.  Look a little more carefully, however, and you'll find a diamond in the rough:  A lovely little sandwich eatery called McDonalds.

THE AMBIENCE

The tall, magnificent golden arches greeted my date and me as we pulled into the ample parking lot of McDonalds last Saturday night.  We covered our ears as a tricked-out, lime-green Honda Civic deafeningly roared past.   Detecting a strong odor, I turned to see a large brown dumpster overflowing with the remnants of many meals past.   “Even the outside of this place is teeming with character,” I said to my date, smiling.