[After a lengthy hiatus, The original Spleen of Cincinnati returns to reclaim the persona that was stolen!!  The piss-poor imitator who stole your humble Spleen's moniker was so ashamed after his blatant theft was exposed, that he removed all of his blog entries.]

Some will refuse to believe it, but there is a part of me committed to doing comparative discount shopping until the moment I pull my bascart into a checkout lane.   I always remain open to one store swaying me over another. 

That said, I still advocate for whichever store provides the best deals, whether it be clothing, dishware, or sporting goods.  And, at this time, I happen to be enjoying the great deals at Value City - beautiful furniture, stylish clothing,  colorful candles, and fragrant jars of potpourri.

So yesterday I decided to exhibit my appreciation of Value City's amazing prices and friendly customer service by handing out Value City coupons and circulars at the Target in Mount Healthy.  Although a big box store like Target is supposedly "open to the public", I was surprised by my rough treatment.

1.  Foul-mouthed hypocrisy

Walking around the Target men's department, one Target shopper who I'd just given a Value City flier asked me "Who the hell shops at Value City?"  I then replied, "Who the hell shops at Target?"  Not that I believe Target is all bad, I just wanted to reflect his negativity back at him.

Amazingly, this pathetic excuse for a frugal shopper acted offended that I would say the exact same thing back to him.  Hypocrisy, anyone?  That move just cost you Target shoppers and your ilk 42 points.

2.  No Value City coupons allowed inside.

I was eventually told by several Target employees and then management that I couldn't distribute Value City circulars at Target.   I'm not sure if passing out Value City fliers and coupons at an open-to-the-public Target location should be that big of a deal, particularly since all kinds of people there were carrying Target circulars with them. 

But here is the thing: Target's motto is "Expect More, Pay Less".  Target is supposed to value discounted items..  Essentially they are supposed to value value, the kinds of values provided on a daily basis by Value City.   So, when Target shows they support cost-cutting values at their store, but not other amazing discounts which don't happen to be available at Target, it just makes me a bit disillusioned.  Minus 35 points for Target.

3.  “If you don’t leave, we are going to call the police.”

I’m not sure why my meager distribution of Value City information would incite anyone to extreme actions, but I couldn’t believe I was receiving this threat from a mindless Target employee drone who attempted to intimidate me.

I double-dog dare any Target store manager to press charges against me for exercising my freedom in a public place.  In the meanwhile, I’m taking 38 points more for the supreme disrespect for my right to peaceful and nonviolent distribution of Value City coupons.  That takes Target down 115 points.

4.  “I’d shop at Value City, but they don't have much selection.”

Before I was unjustly kicked out of the store, one of the Target shoppers had the nerve to tell me this. 

If everyone who said this went ahead and actually shopped at Value City, then they would have a much larger selection.  Enough said!

Target and stores like it are guilty of large-scale brainwashing so they can maintain their market dominance.  I’m taking 27 points for the sheer stupidity at play here.

5. Forcing the debate between Target and Wal-Mart

After being kicked out into the cold rain by a supposedly free market-espousing Target manager, one "savvy" shopper in the Target parking lot informed me that there was no real competition between Value City and Target - He condescendingly informed me that Wal-Mart is the only real competitor for Target out there, as if Target and Wal-Mart are the only stores in existence. 

When I asked this Target shopper about the values to be found at Stein Mart, Value City, and Family Dollar, he laughed in my face.  That arrogance just cost you Target shoppers another 25 points.

Final total -   The Spleen: 167, Target and all Target shoppers: 0.

CINCINNATI - Cincinnati journalists got all self-conscious and shit this week, about everything from saying "Happy Easter" to shopping at Ikea.

In today's Enquirer, Carolyn Pione wondered aloud about the supposed lack of Easter coverage in today's Enquirer, despite the Enquirer's own pointless "Easter coverage".   Did Pione really need to get all self-conscious about it, or was this editorial merely an attempt to increase the number of times "Easter" is mentioned in today's issue?

If, as she proposed, Pione wants to go further and start including "coverage" of her own religious beliefs, maybe Pione should start with less personal stuff like publishing news articles about her teeth-brushing techniques.

In this week's CityBeat, Joe Wessels bemoaned that people aren't shopping at Ikea, since he is feeling self-conscious about shopping at Ikea himself.  I would like to assuage Joe Wessels's insecurity about shopping at Ikea.   In fact, I recommend that he purchase a Mongstad mirror (pictured right) the next time he wants to get all reflective and crap.   (After all, it goes without saying that Ikea will need Wessels's business to stay afloat since he is apparently the only one who shops there.)

Wessels's feelings of self-consciousness continued as he extrapolated one woman's Facebook blog into a theory that everyone else in Cincinnati has the same streetcar agenda.  He was obviously feeling self-conscious and shit about having a different opinion from someone else.

I do agree with Wessels that all of the differing opinions in Cincinnati on everything from streetcars to Ikea do somehow constitute "groupthink".  (And although I love groupthink, it is just killing us)   And Cincinnati really needs someone like Joe Wessels to "think outside the box" for us.   Actually, I lied. 

I would say that readers might think my rant in that last paragraph wasn't an example of Joe Wessels being "self-conscious", but I don't want to get all self-conscious and shit too.

My name is Blaine Chowder and I am addict.

I am addicted to oil. The President told me so.

I first realized I had a problem during the Presidents State of the Union Speech last week. Since then I have been reeling over my struggles with this horrible addiction. I have been frantically seeking a methadone-like treatment that would wean me off this sludge that I have been unconsciously thirsting for since the day the DMV took my picture for my drivers license.

To get to the bottom of my problem I researched 12-step-programs in the hope of finding one that best suited my needs. I found 12-steps for marijuana, nicotine, rape, incest, borderliners, compulsive disorders, spenders and scores of others. But nothing for oil addiction.

12-step-programs originated in Akron, Ohio in the mid 1930's by AA (Alcoholic Anonymous)founders Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson who were also co-founders of the Oxford Group. I figured the next course of action should be to call them.

Power Over Pork Important

I applaud John Boehner for seeking power over pork ("Boehner seeks power over pork", Jan 15).  I have been seeking power over pork for many years now, but every time I see a big plate of bacon and ham over at the Denny's on 42, I just can't help but succumb to the pork. I'm helpless.

But if Boehner can tame his lust, then more power to him.  It's an asset he'll find quite valuable in our nation's fair capital.

Benny Jones, Liberty Twp.

The first time I ever accessed the internet was over a decade ago. I was working for a little company on the Potomac river called the Department of Defense. The first site I accessed was the Washington Post. The second site I accessed was Playboy.com. My boss was the one who showed me how to get there.

The internet was different back then. It wasn't as mucked up with average Jane's spilling their neurosis filled cerebral cortex out for anyone who happens to be clicking by. There was no Myspace.com. There was no blogging. There was no iTunes. No JibJab. And no Dealer. The cyber landscape was still brand-spanking new for the computer illiterate and the possibilities for this exciting terrain seemed endless.

Carrying a concealed weapon.

Fast forward to the now. I am Googling John Matarese for a future fake story and a few clicks later I am staring at Cincinnatiblackblog.com. Like anything new, I give it a chance before I give it my dead Siskel thumbs up or down, although I am put off by the title "Black Cincinnati", which begs the question: If I were to start a blog called "White Cincinnati", would I be crucified?

Proliferating rumors because I can.

"If the mayor is gay, he should resign," said David Chambers of Hyde Park. Chambers did not vote for Mallory. He knew nothing about Mark Mallory, other than that he is black.

Mallory is a snappy dresser, he lives at home, he has never been married and he enjoys long walks on the beach. Of course these do not add up to a giant rainbow. His sexual preference shouldn’t matter, and it doesn’t. But there are hundreds of thousands of Cincinnatians who might disagree.

Inside

Christmas Shopping Hurts Baby Jesus
Finally, A Club For Us Rich People

Christmas Shopping Hurts Baby Jesus

In response to Terry Endres' editorial ("Shopping mania dishonors Christianity", Dec 1), I couldn't agree more!  Every time I hear a cash register ring, or a little child laugh with glee in December, I shudder to think of Baby Jesus' bleeding ears!

I have taken your advice, Mr. Endres', wholeheartedly.  I have taken my 40 in. LCD flat panel widescreen television and laid it out at my curb at 225 Spring Valley Rd., West Chester, OH 45069.  It's the devil's tool!

I have taken my child's toys and burned them in a fire.  He will learn the iniquities of materialism by the light of the semi-legal bonfire in my front yard.

I had no idea retail stores were not trying to sell me Christ! All this time, I thought Pottery Barn was a nativity reference! Thank you for setting me straight!

I will no longer confuse consuming dry goods with Christian good cheer.  And I won't let anyone else do this either.  Buying is sinning!  My blow torch stands ready.

David Jones, West Chester

Editor's Note:  Ms. Cake has not been taking her medication lately.  Her views do not necessarily express those of either Harold or the Dealer, neither of whom are either BIG or strong.  And, of course, she is too stupid to realize that nobody will read her rambling discourse until WEDNESDAY, which follows TUESDAY.  Damn, it's hard to find good help! 

For me to get to the Dealer offices in downtown Cincinnati I have to pass over the beautiful and majestic Roebling Bridge.  This distinct icon of the Cincinnati skyline was a precursor for it’s much beloved and more famous sibling, the Brooklyn Bridge.

Every morning I revel in the beautiful view and my breath is taken completely away, only not by the view.  I gasp and hold my breath as long as possible because of the numerous piles of shit that are sporadically dropped along the walkway.

Inside

I Love You Paula Faris
Football Fan Needs A Life

I Love You Paula Faris

It was with great sadness that I read about Paula Faris' impending departure ("Faris to anchor in Chicago", Sept 27).  Now, it is too late to express what I have kept inside for so long: Paula, I love you.

You're the sole reason I tuned into Channel 9 at 11 pm on weekends. Your glowing personality and stylish outfits more than compensate for the torture that is John Matarese. I could even withstand Popo at times when you were in the same segment.

I wish you would stay, but I understand that the Windy City calls. If you find yourself back in the Queen City, look me up.

John Sizemore, Downtown