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What Would Jesus Do?

By Jesus | Dealer staff writer

Wed, Dec 21, 2005

Dear Jesus,

How should I celebrate your birthday this Christmas?

- Michael

Michael,

Why not celebrate Christmas by wrapping “Just say Merry Christmas” bands around pipe bombs & place them at a nearby mosque? God would have wanted it that way. What better way to show Peace on Earth and goodwill to man?

- Jesus

Jesus has been an advice columunist for the Cincinnati Dealer since Feburary 2006. If you need advice on anything from fish frys to foot fungus e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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What Would Jesus Do?

By Jesus | Dealer staff writer

Wed, Feb 9, 2005

Dear Jesus,

My girlfriend Cassandra keeps asking me whether I think she's "fat". First off, I think she's beautiful. Honestly, she's not fat, but she could stand to lose a few pounds. Since I know better than to actually say that, I simply clam up. This always results in her getting really mad at me.

Also, she keeps talking about you - "Jesus this.." and "Jesus that..."

How can I get her to lose some weight and forget about other guys like you, all while staying madly in love with me?

- Giovanni

Read more... | |

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Local Foot Fetishist Likes Them Shiny

Cigarette Prices Rising - Two Cigarettes Cost County $42,000

Bengals Trade Chad Johnson for Ken Griffey Jr

U.S. Playing Card Wants Its Own Enquirer Blogger Too

2500 Rally in Support of Payday

Quick Poll

The CCV wants to end the Adult ads in the back of CityBeat. How do YOU feel?

	I am outraged. I responded to one of those ads, and didn't even get a handjob.
	I really don't care about those ads, but can you give me more information about the "Safe Sex Get Paid" ads?
	I think we should ban those ads, as soon as we finish banning porn from the internet.
	The Adult section is too important for the back pages. They should move it to the front, like in the Yellow Pages.
	I think children ought to be protected from words like "body rub" and "tantric massage".
	Does anyone else know if "accupressure" is as sexy as it sounds?
	Sorry, not for me. The best whores don't place ads in a newspaper.

What Grinds Your Gears?
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