Correction
In last week’s restaurant review of the Fore & Aft, staff writer Anne Mitchell ment to say that the Fore & Aft “stinks” not “sinks.”  Anne and the Dealer staff swear we had nothing to do with it.

A strange package arrived at Dealer headquarters in OTR last week: a single sheet of paper, folded into a little triangle, known to adolescent boys around the Midwest as a "football."

Despite Ben Quirer's repeated attempts at starting a flick football game, voice-of-reason Jorge Barnes intervened: "Wait a second, in sixth grade, Wanda Plenn, this fat girl who's now a supermodel, sent me one of those. It's a note!"

Indeed, it was a note. It contained a cryptic message that ended in:

"Anyway, Harold, what we're trying to say is: we like you. We mean, like, not just as a friend - we like-like you. Do you like us?"

Below this were checkboxes for "yes" and "no."

"What the fuck is this?" wondered Blaine Chowder. "This is the same shit my last stalker pulled."

Midget Roast with Baby Limas and Red Pepper

This is a variation of an early 6^th century classic dish that simmered over an open flame and was served with veal shanks and raw swine. Here I have added Baby Limas and Red Pepper in place of the veal and swine.

According to Collean King, a local dating expert who writes for Queen City Forum Magazine, there are a number of problems with Dave's dating strategy..

COLUMBUS - Last year, Ohio lawmakers ordered that motorists convicted of drunk driving be required to purchase yellow-and-red license plates, also known as "scarlet-letter" tags. Twelve months later, however, reports show that most drivers never found the time to install them. In fact, not a single Cincinnati resident has ever seen one of the license plates in use.

As a result, Ohio has come up with what they hope to be a more effective method of branding convicted drunk drivers.

Now, motorists convicted of two or more DUI offenses in the last six years or once of having a blood alcohol concentration of more than 0.17 will have more permanent modifications made to their car.

Cable television network MTV's popular program "Pimp My Ride" will take the offender's vehicle to West Coast Customs, an auto-body repair shop that also specializes in unique body designs. Natasha Mancuso, a waitress from Butler County, was one of the first convicted drunk drivers to have her ride mandatorily pimped.

This is a column detailing the adventures of Blaine Chowder. All events are depicted as best as I can remember them. Non-Dealer employees names have been changed to protect them from ridicule.

Inside
Cincinnati Hopefuls Interview For Apprentice
Shit Spill Closes Road

Cincinnati Hopefuls Interview For Apprentice

"I have experience in bilking Cincinnati out of millions of dollars while covertly moving small portions of the company to India", said Johnson. " I would like to do the same for the Donald and Ms. Stewart. We just put a big sign on the front of a building, call it our home base - while 99% of our company functions in a third world country.  It's brilliant."

Inside
Area Man Cut From American Idol
Collins Wants Her 45K
Acid Reflux Causes Evacuation

Area Man Cut From American Idol

FAIRFIElD - Kenny Mathis made it to the final 72 contestants Tuesday ending his dream of becoming an American Idol. Mathis, 27, says that his choice of songs may have contributed to his elimination and not the fondling of Paula Abdul’s breasts.

Steinberg’s Lecture On Lawn Care Sells Out, Tour Possible

CINCINNATI - Ted Steinberg never dreamed that his book "American Green: The Quest for the Perfect Lawn" would attract so many fans to his lecture at the Cincinnati Nature Center last Sunday. Nearly 12 people showed up prompting Nature Center officials scrambling for more chairs.

"We were here for the exhibit on butterflies", said Peggy Stanwick who was with her 10-year old daughter Cindy. "Who the hell is Ted Steinberg?"

Steinberg’s agent, Mike Howard says that his client just signed a 4-figure book deal with a publisher and is considering going on tour.

A quick search on Google revealed the Ted Steinberg is in fact, a nerd.

One of those events was Mardi Gras at Covington Mainstrasse last Friday.

"Since I moved here, all I've been hearing about are these cool Mardi Gras stories from a few years back," explained Wakefield. "They said it wasn't at all like events in Cincinnati, where cops are right up your ass, killing your buzz. Mainstrasse had cheap beer, flashing girls, people pissing in the streets - man, it was so wild, they shut it down for a few years. Awesome."