This is a column detailing the adventures of Blaine Chowder. All events are depicted as best as I can remember them. Non-Dealer employees names have been changed to protect them from ridicule.

Inside
Cincinnati Hopefuls Interview For Apprentice
Shit Spill Closes Road

Cincinnati Hopefuls Interview For Apprentice

"I have experience in bilking Cincinnati out of millions of dollars while covertly moving small portions of the company to India", said Johnson. " I would like to do the same for the Donald and Ms. Stewart. We just put a big sign on the front of a building, call it our home base - while 99% of our company functions in a third world country.  It's brilliant."

Inside
Area Man Cut From American Idol
Collins Wants Her 45K
Acid Reflux Causes Evacuation

Area Man Cut From American Idol

FAIRFIElD - Kenny Mathis made it to the final 72 contestants Tuesday ending his dream of becoming an American Idol. Mathis, 27, says that his choice of songs may have contributed to his elimination and not the fondling of Paula Abdul’s breasts.

Steinberg’s Lecture On Lawn Care Sells Out, Tour Possible

CINCINNATI - Ted Steinberg never dreamed that his book "American Green: The Quest for the Perfect Lawn" would attract so many fans to his lecture at the Cincinnati Nature Center last Sunday. Nearly 12 people showed up prompting Nature Center officials scrambling for more chairs.

"We were here for the exhibit on butterflies", said Peggy Stanwick who was with her 10-year old daughter Cindy. "Who the hell is Ted Steinberg?"

Steinberg’s agent, Mike Howard says that his client just signed a 4-figure book deal with a publisher and is considering going on tour.

A quick search on Google revealed the Ted Steinberg is in fact, a nerd.

One of those events was Mardi Gras at Covington Mainstrasse last Friday.

"Since I moved here, all I've been hearing about are these cool Mardi Gras stories from a few years back," explained Wakefield. "They said it wasn't at all like events in Cincinnati, where cops are right up your ass, killing your buzz. Mainstrasse had cheap beer, flashing girls, people pissing in the streets - man, it was so wild, they shut it down for a few years. Awesome."

Adam Highland grew up in Finneytown and has never left the beltway. After graduating from UC with a business degree, Adam said all his friends either got married or moved to the East Coast.

"It kind of forced me to meet new people. But I never once thought about leaving. I love the Queen City. And right now, I've got more ass than I can handle!"

OAKLEY - Tyrone Weathers paces on the sidewalk on Paxton Avenue. A sixteenth of an inch of snow powders the road. Snowflakes dot Tyrone's black winter cap. He is not happy.

"Look at this woman," Tyrone says. He gestures at a Dodge Neon travelling at four miles an hour. In front of the Neon, the road is empty; in back, cars are lined up as far as we can see. The road surface is level. Tyrone continues, "She has no clue how to drive on snow. It's pathetic." He pauses. "It's dangerous."

"I was sitting in my car, listening to National Public Radio on WVXU, when I looked up and noticed a magnet on the [Cadillac] Escalade in front of me," the 37-year-old Madeira High School biology teacher recalled. "It was in the shape of a ribbon, with a pattern of the American flag, and the words 'Freedom Ain't Free!' written across it."

"Now, it used to be that whenever I saw a patriotic slogan on a bumper sticker, or a magnet, or whatever, I would clench my fist in frustration. The fact that these people actually believed they were debating the issue at hand by mindlessly sticking store-bought propaganda on their under-utilized, gas-guzzling SUVs - it just drove me bananas," Mr. Woodrice explained. "But this magnet...this magnet was different."

COLUMBIA-TUSCULUM – In the early morning light, Mitchell Biles, 29, stands on the deck of his $360,000 condominium. "I like it better here, I admit it," he says. "But I wouldn't trade that year in Lower Price Hill for anything. It made me into a man who's seen life."

Six years ago, after earning a master's degree in business administration from Xavier, Mr. Biles landed a job at Proctor and Gamble and moved to Lower Price Hill. "I didn't really know the downtown area," he reflects. "I grew up in Finneytown. But my apartment was $1500 a month, so I figured it was in a good area." He sips from his coffee mug. "I figured wrong."

CLIFTON - Nicholas Pierce, 26, moved last Thursday to Batavia, Ohio, from his apartment on Ludlow Avenue.  His friends held a week of mourning, as Mr. Pierce has moved outside of the I-275 circle, and it is unsure whether he will be seen again.

"Nick says he'll come down to visit all the time, but I don't see how he'll get his dog sled down Route 50," said Arthur Williams, 25.  "I assume everyone in Batavia travels by dog sled."