WEST CHESTER TWP. - Morgan Shafer sips coffee from a to-go cup while sitting at a red light in her Volkswagen Toureg. The light turns green on Union-Centre Blvd. She accelerates to 50 mph only to get caught at the next red light.

"Dammit. I hate when that happens. I wish there was a type of neighborhood where everything is in one place. Somewhere I could walk to a restaurant, or a movie, or a shop... something not typical. I want to get away from the traditional neighborhood. Does such a place exist?"

Shafer won't have to wait for long. Scores are lined up for a planned new development, The Village at the Streets, in West Chester (motto: "You don't like going downtown, so we bring downtown to you").

BOONE COUNTY - The Ku Klux Klan released its annual ranking of most livable counties, and Boone County topped the list for the first time.

"With its rolling hills to the south and meandering river to the north, picturesque Boone County is the perfect community to raise a family," said Thomas Robb, explaining why Boone County was selected as the nation's most livable.

"Fishing, hiking, boating:  they're all just a stone's throw away from any home in Boone County.  Prefer the hustle and bustle of a big city?  Cincinnati is just across the river.  Add all of that up, and you've got our 2005 choice for America's most livable county."

"Plus, they really know how to get rid of black people," added Robb.

Flannery had enjoyed Global 3, but reportedly kept telling the straight-edge anti-globalists at the conference that he was "jonesin' for a joint,  dudes."   Flannery eventually found a few vipers who would help him "burn one in Burnet Woods."   Since almost nobody ever smokes marijuana in Cincinnati, Flannery decided to give the event some well-deserved coverage in his weekly column.

I had the great pleasure of spending several days in the kitchen of Chef Billy Kripe’s charming eponymous restaurant in Norwood. Chef Kripe was a generous and hospitable host, and he patiently answered my many questions about his kitchen and cuisine. He shared two recipes with me, which I’ve adapted for those of us who don’t have professional kitchens at their disposal.

Try this elegant dish and you’ll find out just how wonderful cooking and eating can be.

Correction
In last week’s restaurant review of the Fore & Aft, staff writer Anne Mitchell ment to say that the Fore & Aft “stinks” not “sinks.”  Anne and the Dealer staff swear we had nothing to do with it.

A strange package arrived at Dealer headquarters in OTR last week: a single sheet of paper, folded into a little triangle, known to adolescent boys around the Midwest as a "football."

Despite Ben Quirer's repeated attempts at starting a flick football game, voice-of-reason Jorge Barnes intervened: "Wait a second, in sixth grade, Wanda Plenn, this fat girl who's now a supermodel, sent me one of those. It's a note!"

Indeed, it was a note. It contained a cryptic message that ended in:

"Anyway, Harold, what we're trying to say is: we like you. We mean, like, not just as a friend - we like-like you. Do you like us?"

Below this were checkboxes for "yes" and "no."

"What the fuck is this?" wondered Blaine Chowder. "This is the same shit my last stalker pulled."

Midget Roast with Baby Limas and Red Pepper

This is a variation of an early 6^th century classic dish that simmered over an open flame and was served with veal shanks and raw swine. Here I have added Baby Limas and Red Pepper in place of the veal and swine.

According to Collean King, a local dating expert who writes for Queen City Forum Magazine, there are a number of problems with Dave's dating strategy..

COLUMBUS - Last year, Ohio lawmakers ordered that motorists convicted of drunk driving be required to purchase yellow-and-red license plates, also known as "scarlet-letter" tags. Twelve months later, however, reports show that most drivers never found the time to install them. In fact, not a single Cincinnati resident has ever seen one of the license plates in use.

As a result, Ohio has come up with what they hope to be a more effective method of branding convicted drunk drivers.

Now, motorists convicted of two or more DUI offenses in the last six years or once of having a blood alcohol concentration of more than 0.17 will have more permanent modifications made to their car.

Cable television network MTV's popular program "Pimp My Ride" will take the offender's vehicle to West Coast Customs, an auto-body repair shop that also specializes in unique body designs. Natasha Mancuso, a waitress from Butler County, was one of the first convicted drunk drivers to have her ride mandatorily pimped.