Dealer contributor Chuck "Got a Quarter" Thompson reviewed the free publication, Apartment Finder.

This week I read Apartment Finder. I gots to say this shit was riveting. There are some damn fine livins around these here areas. I like the pictures the best, because I can see where there is a covered place for me to sleeps at night. The author does a damn fine job with describings to me the innards of the apartment and what I could expect to pays. This shit was damn good. I highly recommend it to anyones who are lookin for a good summers read.

You can find Apartment Finder on any corner in the downtown area.

When Nathan Park picked up a Cincinnati Enquirer last Friday, he got more news than he anticipated.  He learned that his girlfriend, whom he had dated for several months, was a slut.

Enquirer Columnist Maggie Downs broke the news in her Friday column that would send chills through the spine of every male in the city that believed they were in a loving, monogamous relationship.

She says that women, all women, are prostitutes.

"We hold drawings for fabulous prizes, such as TV's and DVD players," boasted attendance clerk Gina Johnson.  "But only those students who have perfect attendance are eligible." 

The drink specials at The Bonefish Grille in Hyde Park caught somebody’s eye last Wednesday. Toni Phillips, a local physician, was out with friends when she noticed her olive staring back at her.

“I thought to myself, my goodness, they sure have a creative bartending staff here.” Ms. Phillips, originally from Little Rock, Arkansas, was taken aback despite years spent in the medical field.

“I knew it must have been a man’s eyeball, because it was staring at my chest", said Phillips. 

WEST CHESTER TWP. - Morgan Shafer sips coffee from a to-go cup while sitting at a red light in her Volkswagen Toureg. The light turns green on Union-Centre Blvd. She accelerates to 50 mph only to get caught at the next red light.

"Dammit. I hate when that happens. I wish there was a type of neighborhood where everything is in one place. Somewhere I could walk to a restaurant, or a movie, or a shop... something not typical. I want to get away from the traditional neighborhood. Does such a place exist?"

Shafer won't have to wait for long. Scores are lined up for a planned new development, The Village at the Streets, in West Chester (motto: "You don't like going downtown, so we bring downtown to you").

BOONE COUNTY - The Ku Klux Klan released its annual ranking of most livable counties, and Boone County topped the list for the first time.

"With its rolling hills to the south and meandering river to the north, picturesque Boone County is the perfect community to raise a family," said Thomas Robb, explaining why Boone County was selected as the nation's most livable.

"Fishing, hiking, boating:  they're all just a stone's throw away from any home in Boone County.  Prefer the hustle and bustle of a big city?  Cincinnati is just across the river.  Add all of that up, and you've got our 2005 choice for America's most livable county."

"Plus, they really know how to get rid of black people," added Robb.

Flannery had enjoyed Global 3, but reportedly kept telling the straight-edge anti-globalists at the conference that he was "jonesin' for a joint,  dudes."   Flannery eventually found a few vipers who would help him "burn one in Burnet Woods."   Since almost nobody ever smokes marijuana in Cincinnati, Flannery decided to give the event some well-deserved coverage in his weekly column.

I had the great pleasure of spending several days in the kitchen of Chef Billy Kripe’s charming eponymous restaurant in Norwood. Chef Kripe was a generous and hospitable host, and he patiently answered my many questions about his kitchen and cuisine. He shared two recipes with me, which I’ve adapted for those of us who don’t have professional kitchens at their disposal.

Try this elegant dish and you’ll find out just how wonderful cooking and eating can be.

Correction
In last week’s restaurant review of the Fore & Aft, staff writer Anne Mitchell ment to say that the Fore & Aft “stinks” not “sinks.”  Anne and the Dealer staff swear we had nothing to do with it.