FRANKFORT - Kentucky state officials unveiled today the state's newest marketing slogan: "Keep on Truckin." The slogan will appear on new license plates starting August 1.

Owensboro resident Frank Hurley said, "Good riddance to that stupid smiley face. Every time I drove into Indiana, someone would shoot at my car!"

"We think the new slogan speaks to Kentuckians' perserverance in the long haul of time, shipping your burdens as cargo, on the 18-wheeler Peterbilt of life," said Commerce Cabinet spokesman Billy Reed. "Take me for example. Just a year ago, I was working at the Burger King in Corbin, and thanks to my pal Ernie Fletcher, I got to be a Cabinet spokeman without so much as an interview! So to my fellow Bluegrassers, keep on truckin!"

Other slogans considered but not making the cut:

1. "Kentucky: Where education pays, but not as much who you know."
2. "Unbridled nepotism"
3. "It's that friendly! If you know the right people!"

CINCINNATI - Local Creative Class advocate group and city boosters Cincinnati Tomorrow, er, Cincinnati Advance, that is, Cincy Clicks, announced this week that they've decided to just pick a damn name. 

Members have begun a re-branding initiative designed to form a one-stop destination for the Queen City, starting with their new name, Cincinnati Advances Tomorrow By Clicking.

CLIFTON - This month's Journal of Cancer declared Cincinnati's Clifton area "the skin cancer treatment capital of the United States". Skin cancer has become a growing epidemic in Cincinnati, judging by the number of skin cancer treatment centers in Clifton.  On the bright side, the Mayura Clinic is conveniently located right across the street from a tanning salon.

Although there are several hospitals in Clifton that provide skin cancer treatment, it is the ten small skin cancer clinics peppered throughout the Clifton area that have cemented Clifton's status as the place to go for a harsh case of Chana Melanoma or Aloo Carcinoma.

Serves 60-70

Ingredients:
- 10 gallons Barq's root beer
- 1 gallon Graeter’s plain vanilla ice cream
- 1 Bathtub
- 1 Baby

Recipe:
- Pour 10 gallons of Barq’s root beer into bathtub
- Place baby in bathtub
- Scoop in 1 gallon Graeter's vanilla ice cream
- Leave unattended for 1-5 minutes or until baby is face down
- Ladle & serve!

MMM... IT'S SO YUM!!

What’s the most fun you've ever had with fireworks?

My brother and I used to stake out this one retirement home. We would tie ladyfingers to bottle rockets, and then fire (them) at the residents. What a rush. You should've seen those little old ladies jump. - Johnny J. Pollinovsky, Milford

CINCINNATI - The next time you are baking cupcakes and are looking for a topping, reach no farther than your medicine cabinet.

Procter and Gamble has begun saturating the market with assorted toothpaste flavors for that toothpaste connoisseur. In the dental hygiene aisle of your local store you will find: tropical punch, blueberry, oranges and creme, bubble gum and my favorite, vanilla mint.

Obese Norwood resident and current shut-in, Larry Jones, says that he brushes his teeth at least 15 times a day and eats more often, because brushing his teeth after every meal is more like dessert than a chore.

"I go through five or six tubes of vanilla mint a day", said Jones. "It’s just like brushing your teeth with vanilla frosting. It’s a dream come true!"

Gentle Readers - Please Turn to Full Story for a Special Advertising Supplement from  WAIF 88 1/3. . . 

FAIRVIEW - Acclaimed 7-year-old poet Biffy Conover has lost his most prized possession:  a blue folder full of the best poems in the whole wide world.   As a reward,  the Ravine Street poet laureate is offering a million billion dollars for the safe return of his valuable verses.

DOWNTOWN – This year, Producing Director Jason Bruffy wanted the Festival to be bigger, better and bolder than ever before.  “That is why I commissioned Alex Jarman to create a 12 foot newspaper sculpture of my penis at the Fringe Art Gallery on 6th & Walnut,” said Bruffy.  “I told the artist that I wanted it to be the exact size, shape and dimension in every detail.  It’s absolutely amazing.  I had it built from all the articles written about me.  The women have been raving about it all week!”

“The Festival has been absolutely fabulous.  We have every dysfunction known to mankind represented here.  They have been separated out into different performance spaces for the convenience of our audiences.  At Gabriel’s Corner we have of course incest and other family domestic problems, as usual.  In the Cincinnati Ballet we have cripples, lepers and amputees.  The Contemporary Arts Center is focusing linguistic disorders and teenage angst.  Last but not least, Memorial Hall on pain, human suffering and mimes.  I felt that last set really fit neatly together.”

HAMILTON CTY - On Monday, Hamilton County Auditor and former NWA world-wrestling heavyweight champion Dusty Rhodes offered to wrestle disgruntled residents who “had a problem” with their audit.

“If you don’t like your assessment,” Rhodes, was quoted as saying, “then why don’t you do something about it?”

Though perceived as widely unpopular with Hamilton County homeowners, the auditor formerly known as The American Dream is not backing down.