What’s the most fun you've ever had with fireworks?

My brother and I used to stake out this one retirement home. We would tie ladyfingers to bottle rockets, and then fire (them) at the residents. What a rush. You should've seen those little old ladies jump. - Johnny J. Pollinovsky, Milford

CINCINNATI - The next time you are baking cupcakes and are looking for a topping, reach no farther than your medicine cabinet.

Procter and Gamble has begun saturating the market with assorted toothpaste flavors for that toothpaste connoisseur. In the dental hygiene aisle of your local store you will find: tropical punch, blueberry, oranges and creme, bubble gum and my favorite, vanilla mint.

Obese Norwood resident and current shut-in, Larry Jones, says that he brushes his teeth at least 15 times a day and eats more often, because brushing his teeth after every meal is more like dessert than a chore.

"I go through five or six tubes of vanilla mint a day", said Jones. "It’s just like brushing your teeth with vanilla frosting. It’s a dream come true!"

Gentle Readers - Please Turn to Full Story for a Special Advertising Supplement from  WAIF 88 1/3. . . 

FAIRVIEW - Acclaimed 7-year-old poet Biffy Conover has lost his most prized possession:  a blue folder full of the best poems in the whole wide world.   As a reward,  the Ravine Street poet laureate is offering a million billion dollars for the safe return of his valuable verses.

DOWNTOWN – This year, Producing Director Jason Bruffy wanted the Festival to be bigger, better and bolder than ever before.  “That is why I commissioned Alex Jarman to create a 12 foot newspaper sculpture of my penis at the Fringe Art Gallery on 6th & Walnut,” said Bruffy.  “I told the artist that I wanted it to be the exact size, shape and dimension in every detail.  It’s absolutely amazing.  I had it built from all the articles written about me.  The women have been raving about it all week!”

“The Festival has been absolutely fabulous.  We have every dysfunction known to mankind represented here.  They have been separated out into different performance spaces for the convenience of our audiences.  At Gabriel’s Corner we have of course incest and other family domestic problems, as usual.  In the Cincinnati Ballet we have cripples, lepers and amputees.  The Contemporary Arts Center is focusing linguistic disorders and teenage angst.  Last but not least, Memorial Hall on pain, human suffering and mimes.  I felt that last set really fit neatly together.”

HAMILTON CTY - On Monday, Hamilton County Auditor and former NWA world-wrestling heavyweight champion Dusty Rhodes offered to wrestle disgruntled residents who “had a problem” with their audit.

“If you don’t like your assessment,” Rhodes, was quoted as saying, “then why don’t you do something about it?”

Though perceived as widely unpopular with Hamilton County homeowners, the auditor formerly known as The American Dream is not backing down.

Dealer contributor Chuck "Got a Quarter" Thompson reviewed the free publication, Apartment Finder.

This week I read Apartment Finder. I gots to say this shit was riveting. There are some damn fine livins around these here areas. I like the pictures the best, because I can see where there is a covered place for me to sleeps at night. The author does a damn fine job with describings to me the innards of the apartment and what I could expect to pays. This shit was damn good. I highly recommend it to anyones who are lookin for a good summers read.

You can find Apartment Finder on any corner in the downtown area.

When Nathan Park picked up a Cincinnati Enquirer last Friday, he got more news than he anticipated.  He learned that his girlfriend, whom he had dated for several months, was a slut.

Enquirer Columnist Maggie Downs broke the news in her Friday column that would send chills through the spine of every male in the city that believed they were in a loving, monogamous relationship.

She says that women, all women, are prostitutes.

"We hold drawings for fabulous prizes, such as TV's and DVD players," boasted attendance clerk Gina Johnson.  "But only those students who have perfect attendance are eligible." 

The drink specials at The Bonefish Grille in Hyde Park caught somebody’s eye last Wednesday. Toni Phillips, a local physician, was out with friends when she noticed her olive staring back at her.

“I thought to myself, my goodness, they sure have a creative bartending staff here.” Ms. Phillips, originally from Little Rock, Arkansas, was taken aback despite years spent in the medical field.

“I knew it must have been a man’s eyeball, because it was staring at my chest", said Phillips.