NEWPORT - On Friday, August 12, Vanilla Ice gave a free concert hosted by the Great Inland Seafood Festival.

LONGWORTH HALL - The Dealer hit the Bacchanalian Society's wine tasting on pinot grigio night. (Despite rumors that you may have heard, the Dealer staff most certainly did not bring the wrong type of wine, that's ugly hearsay I tell you!)

600 people ready to drink.

What goes well with wine? How about AIR CONDITIONING!?

WEST SIDE - Green Township trustees rejected plans to develop an upscale, 99.8-acre shopping center with 658,800 square feet of retail space.  In doing so, they secured the future of the West Side of Cincinnati: to remain completely unknown to the rest of the city.

The West Side, the region of Cincinnati bordered by Ronald Reagan Highway to the north, the Ohio River to the south, I-75 to the East, and Indiana to the West, currently contains a single, run-down shopping center off Glenway known as West Town Centre.  For this and many other reasons, residents from the rest of the tri-state have absolutely no need to go to the West Side of town, and in most cases, don't even know where it is.

"West Side?  Of 75?  People live there?" asked Brad Fischer, 38, of Madeira.

HYDE PARK - Kelly Mooring was stylin’ like a pimp in her new Hyundai on Beechmont Avenue last Friday. The bass was pounding to some unrecognizable song and her hand was gingerly hanging over the steering wheel. Before she could recognize how cool she was, Kelly was making love to the bumper of the car in front of her.

"Shit, that biatch stopped in front of me", said Kelly, arms extended with her hands tilted inward. "Fashizzle my bizzle, I gots to get steppin’ to my motherfu....listen, I am still working on this whole package, that Ebonics thing isn’t coming natural, yet. I was looking in the rearview and the next thing you know, ‘thunk’, I was getting her phone number. And not in a good way."

FRANKFURT - Kentucky unveiled its new license plate Tuesday, much to the delight of Bluegrass State residents.  Most Kentuckians despise the current plate design, with its smiley-face sun adorning the center.

NEWPORT - Organizers announced today that “Goetta Hard-on” would be the new slogan for the 2005 Glier’s Goetta Fest.

“We’re trying to reach a younger audience,” explained A.J. Peeseley, marketing consultant for Glier’s. “In particular, 8-14 year old males.”

Past slogans have included “Goetta Have It,” “The Goettafather,” and “Goetta Life.” While these slogans played well with the established goetta-rati, Peeseley believes the future of goetta starts with the kids.

NORWOOD – A large crowd of women gathered together to sip wine and listen to the secrets of a few not-fat Frenchies at this month’s Joseph Beth Bookseller’s “Girls Night Out.” The informative evening included a panel discussion on the merits of three-hour dinners, strategies for grocery shopping, and how best to organize one’s pantry, all inspired by the bestseller “Frenchwomen Don’t Get Fat,” aptly subtitled “The Snotty Bitches, Don’t You Just Hate Them?” 

Inside

33 People Catch Fire During Recent Heat Wave
Area Man Didn't Know Kentucky Was Across The River
Cincinnati Libraries Begin Charging To Check Out

33 people catch fire during recent heat wave

The recent heat wave was so harsh that I counted 33 people that ignited into human torches. 

Norwood resident Mike Wheeldon said that he was walking down the street and felt his skin catch fire. 

"It was awesome at first.  But then it started to hurt and my skin fell off.  That kinda sucked", said Wheeldon.

SPRINGDALE - The Northern Cincinnati Convention and Visitors Bureau have reportedly been drinking from the stupid fountain. Their website displays criminal levels of duplicity, and has implicated the board of directors in inhaling too many of their lawn clippings.

Evidence includes their slogan that adorns the top of their web page, "Welcome to Northern Cincinnati, the preferred location of Cincinnati visitors!"  They might well append to this slogan the qualifier, "Just because we think it makes it true!"

Inside

Patricia Cake Knocked Up
Bill Henson's Car Repossessed
Harold Contracts Venereal Disease

Patricia Cake Knocked Up

Patricia Cake has been reported knocked up by one of three men after an all night drinking binge.  Of course that is who we are aware of that evening.  If we were to count back the week before or after the count goes as high as 15 potential fathers.

[Editor's note: Patricia Cake dated Fred Pastry in high school for one week until she determined that Fred Pastry could not get it up.  Word spread and he was nicknamed for the rest of his high school career as Flaccid Pastry.  Fred claims he retains no residual anger over this incident.]