FRANKFURT - Kentucky unveiled its new license plate Tuesday, much to the delight of Bluegrass State residents.  Most Kentuckians despise the current plate design, with its smiley-face sun adorning the center.

NEWPORT - Organizers announced today that “Goetta Hard-on” would be the new slogan for the 2005 Glier’s Goetta Fest.

“We’re trying to reach a younger audience,” explained A.J. Peeseley, marketing consultant for Glier’s. “In particular, 8-14 year old males.”

Past slogans have included “Goetta Have It,” “The Goettafather,” and “Goetta Life.” While these slogans played well with the established goetta-rati, Peeseley believes the future of goetta starts with the kids.

NORWOOD – A large crowd of women gathered together to sip wine and listen to the secrets of a few not-fat Frenchies at this month’s Joseph Beth Bookseller’s “Girls Night Out.” The informative evening included a panel discussion on the merits of three-hour dinners, strategies for grocery shopping, and how best to organize one’s pantry, all inspired by the bestseller “Frenchwomen Don’t Get Fat,” aptly subtitled “The Snotty Bitches, Don’t You Just Hate Them?” 

Inside

33 People Catch Fire During Recent Heat Wave
Area Man Didn't Know Kentucky Was Across The River
Cincinnati Libraries Begin Charging To Check Out

33 people catch fire during recent heat wave

The recent heat wave was so harsh that I counted 33 people that ignited into human torches. 

Norwood resident Mike Wheeldon said that he was walking down the street and felt his skin catch fire. 

"It was awesome at first.  But then it started to hurt and my skin fell off.  That kinda sucked", said Wheeldon.

SPRINGDALE - The Northern Cincinnati Convention and Visitors Bureau have reportedly been drinking from the stupid fountain. Their website displays criminal levels of duplicity, and has implicated the board of directors in inhaling too many of their lawn clippings.

Evidence includes their slogan that adorns the top of their web page, "Welcome to Northern Cincinnati, the preferred location of Cincinnati visitors!"  They might well append to this slogan the qualifier, "Just because we think it makes it true!"

Inside

Patricia Cake Knocked Up
Bill Henson's Car Repossessed
Harold Contracts Venereal Disease

Patricia Cake Knocked Up

Patricia Cake has been reported knocked up by one of three men after an all night drinking binge.  Of course that is who we are aware of that evening.  If we were to count back the week before or after the count goes as high as 15 potential fathers.

[Editor's note: Patricia Cake dated Fred Pastry in high school for one week until she determined that Fred Pastry could not get it up.  Word spread and he was nicknamed for the rest of his high school career as Flaccid Pastry.  Fred claims he retains no residual anger over this incident.]

FRANKFORT - Kentucky state officials unveiled today the state's newest marketing slogan: "Keep on Truckin." The slogan will appear on new license plates starting August 1.

Owensboro resident Frank Hurley said, "Good riddance to that stupid smiley face. Every time I drove into Indiana, someone would shoot at my car!"

"We think the new slogan speaks to Kentuckians' perserverance in the long haul of time, shipping your burdens as cargo, on the 18-wheeler Peterbilt of life," said Commerce Cabinet spokesman Billy Reed. "Take me for example. Just a year ago, I was working at the Burger King in Corbin, and thanks to my pal Ernie Fletcher, I got to be a Cabinet spokeman without so much as an interview! So to my fellow Bluegrassers, keep on truckin!"

Other slogans considered but not making the cut:

1. "Kentucky: Where education pays, but not as much who you know."
2. "Unbridled nepotism"
3. "It's that friendly! If you know the right people!"

CINCINNATI - Local Creative Class advocate group and city boosters Cincinnati Tomorrow, er, Cincinnati Advance, that is, Cincy Clicks, announced this week that they've decided to just pick a damn name. 

Members have begun a re-branding initiative designed to form a one-stop destination for the Queen City, starting with their new name, Cincinnati Advances Tomorrow By Clicking.

CLIFTON - This month's Journal of Cancer declared Cincinnati's Clifton area "the skin cancer treatment capital of the United States". Skin cancer has become a growing epidemic in Cincinnati, judging by the number of skin cancer treatment centers in Clifton.  On the bright side, the Mayura Clinic is conveniently located right across the street from a tanning salon.

Although there are several hospitals in Clifton that provide skin cancer treatment, it is the ten small skin cancer clinics peppered throughout the Clifton area that have cemented Clifton's status as the place to go for a harsh case of Chana Melanoma or Aloo Carcinoma.

Serves 60-70

Ingredients:
- 10 gallons Barq's root beer
- 1 gallon Graeter’s plain vanilla ice cream
- 1 Bathtub
- 1 Baby

Recipe:
- Pour 10 gallons of Barq’s root beer into bathtub
- Place baby in bathtub
- Scoop in 1 gallon Graeter's vanilla ice cream
- Leave unattended for 1-5 minutes or until baby is face down
- Ladle & serve!

MMM... IT'S SO YUM!!