NEWPORT - Biff Hendricks is considered by a lot of people to be a "real jerk." However, last week, when he sought after Hofbrauhaus' one millionth liter, his antics backfired.

Witnesses described the incident. "Yeah, this twerpy-lookin' guy started pushin' to the front of the bar line, cat calling all the girls," recalls Stacey Smith, 29, of Covington. "Then he cuts right in front of this guy, saying 'Out of the way pudgy' - like he was one to talk - and gets his beer!"

The last laugh was on Hendricks though, when the guy he cut in front of, Zach Palmer, 24, of Covedale, scored the millionth liter.

Smith witnessed Hendricks later in the parking lot, sitting alone in his Hyundai, crying.

CINCINNATI – Jim Dunlap, the self-titled “dance commando,” was accused of acting unironically at the White Stripes concert Monday night at Music Hall.

Trevor Haynes recalled how Dunlap came out of nowhere and made the center aisle his own.

“We were trying to have a discussion about an ironic Metallica t-shirt we saw earlier in the night,” Haynes said. “Then this guy jumped into the aisle and started swaying back and forth like a drunken sailor in a hurricane.” At this point in the night, numerous witnesses recounted Dunlap screaming that he was the “dance commando.”

OVER-THE-RHINE - On April 20, 2005, Kaldi's Coffee House & Bookstore closed its doors forever. In the tradition of the Diner on Sycamore and other downtown businesses that go in and out of business at random, Kaldi's is now under new ownership, and had its grand opening last Friday.

Thanks to an act of God, Cincinnati has moved up by one ranking in Forbe’s “Best City for Singles” list.  Forbes regularly compiles pseudo factual lists ranking cities, people & businesses in an effort to drum up attention for itself and sales of it’s magazine.

In July’s edition, Cincinnati jumped from 39th place to 30th place after Forbes actually bothered to collect some data.  Many people suspected there was more than a half dozen bars & restaurants in town, but Forbes had trouble tracking down such facts.

Now that more than 80% of New Orleans (previously ranked 26th) has sunk underwater, Cincinnati should naturally expect to jump up to 29th place.

CINCINNATI - Drawing in the suburban family dollars has always been difficult.  Which is why the YMCA has now introduced parasites into their pools.

“We feel that when kids are outdoors it really enhances their educational time to experience all of nature,” says YMCA event coordinator Sally Knuckles.  “Poolside Playtime with Parasites really helps us to compete with businesses like the Newport Aquarium.  It’s like we have a whole zoo in a cup of water.”

To stick with the theme of parasites & fecal contamination the YMCA has even renamed the water slide to "The Poop Shoot."  And now the pool side is the "Poop Deck."  Kids seem to love it.

“I love the YMCA mommy,” says Bobby Shwartz, age 5.  “All the tapeworms make it feel like I’m swimming in spaghetti!”

NEWPORT - On Friday, August 12, Vanilla Ice gave a free concert hosted by the Great Inland Seafood Festival.

LONGWORTH HALL - The Dealer hit the Bacchanalian Society's wine tasting on pinot grigio night. (Despite rumors that you may have heard, the Dealer staff most certainly did not bring the wrong type of wine, that's ugly hearsay I tell you!)

600 people ready to drink.

What goes well with wine? How about AIR CONDITIONING!?

WEST SIDE - Green Township trustees rejected plans to develop an upscale, 99.8-acre shopping center with 658,800 square feet of retail space.  In doing so, they secured the future of the West Side of Cincinnati: to remain completely unknown to the rest of the city.

The West Side, the region of Cincinnati bordered by Ronald Reagan Highway to the north, the Ohio River to the south, I-75 to the East, and Indiana to the West, currently contains a single, run-down shopping center off Glenway known as West Town Centre.  For this and many other reasons, residents from the rest of the tri-state have absolutely no need to go to the West Side of town, and in most cases, don't even know where it is.

"West Side?  Of 75?  People live there?" asked Brad Fischer, 38, of Madeira.

HYDE PARK - Kelly Mooring was stylin’ like a pimp in her new Hyundai on Beechmont Avenue last Friday. The bass was pounding to some unrecognizable song and her hand was gingerly hanging over the steering wheel. Before she could recognize how cool she was, Kelly was making love to the bumper of the car in front of her.

"Shit, that biatch stopped in front of me", said Kelly, arms extended with her hands tilted inward. "Fashizzle my bizzle, I gots to get steppin’ to my motherfu....listen, I am still working on this whole package, that Ebonics thing isn’t coming natural, yet. I was looking in the rearview and the next thing you know, ‘thunk’, I was getting her phone number. And not in a good way."