The Canadian invasion descended on Newport Friday night when The New Pornographers and fellow Canadian bands Immaculate Machine and Destroyer played to a sold-out Southgate House crowd.

Neko Case and Kathy Calder (center) surrounded by fans at the Southgate House

"Canadian music has suffered through a lot," said Pornographers' founder Carl Newman. "Bryan Adams, Richard Marx, Shania Twain, William Shatner."

When someone mentioned that William Shatner is not a band, Newman replied, "That hasn't lessened the suffering."

The litany of Canadian assrock continued. 

EDGEWOOD – The Edgewood City Council would regret enacting proposed noise-reduction and safety standards for all-terrain vehicles (ATVs), according to Village Drive resident and ATV owner Don Dowd. In a September 20 Enquirer article, Dowd claims:

...A stronger nuisance ordinance could have the unintended consequence of creating more disputes than it solves. "If someone already had a problem with their neighbor, this could help them find a way to nitpick that person," he said.

Indeed, logic and science tell us that providing ATV nuisance guidelines, which clearly spell out what behavior is acceptable and what is considered a "nuisance," cannot solve disputes. Wait, that's exactly wrong.

"It's been a good twenty-year run for the old jingle, but it's time for a fresh new sound," explained Tom Allen, Skyline Chili marketing vice president.  "With the 'My Girl' melody, the consumer is left in hungry suspense upon hearing 'What can make me feel this way?' and then finally makes the delicious connection when the chorus answers 'Skyline, Skyline, Skyline.  Talkin 'bout Skyline.'"

NEWPORT - Biff Hendricks is considered by a lot of people to be a "real jerk." However, last week, when he sought after Hofbrauhaus' one millionth liter, his antics backfired.

Witnesses described the incident. "Yeah, this twerpy-lookin' guy started pushin' to the front of the bar line, cat calling all the girls," recalls Stacey Smith, 29, of Covington. "Then he cuts right in front of this guy, saying 'Out of the way pudgy' - like he was one to talk - and gets his beer!"

The last laugh was on Hendricks though, when the guy he cut in front of, Zach Palmer, 24, of Covedale, scored the millionth liter.

Smith witnessed Hendricks later in the parking lot, sitting alone in his Hyundai, crying.

CINCINNATI – Jim Dunlap, the self-titled “dance commando,” was accused of acting unironically at the White Stripes concert Monday night at Music Hall.

Trevor Haynes recalled how Dunlap came out of nowhere and made the center aisle his own.

“We were trying to have a discussion about an ironic Metallica t-shirt we saw earlier in the night,” Haynes said. “Then this guy jumped into the aisle and started swaying back and forth like a drunken sailor in a hurricane.” At this point in the night, numerous witnesses recounted Dunlap screaming that he was the “dance commando.”

OVER-THE-RHINE - On April 20, 2005, Kaldi's Coffee House & Bookstore closed its doors forever. In the tradition of the Diner on Sycamore and other downtown businesses that go in and out of business at random, Kaldi's is now under new ownership, and had its grand opening last Friday.

Thanks to an act of God, Cincinnati has moved up by one ranking in Forbe’s “Best City for Singles” list.  Forbes regularly compiles pseudo factual lists ranking cities, people & businesses in an effort to drum up attention for itself and sales of it’s magazine.

In July’s edition, Cincinnati jumped from 39th place to 30th place after Forbes actually bothered to collect some data.  Many people suspected there was more than a half dozen bars & restaurants in town, but Forbes had trouble tracking down such facts.

Now that more than 80% of New Orleans (previously ranked 26th) has sunk underwater, Cincinnati should naturally expect to jump up to 29th place.

CINCINNATI - Drawing in the suburban family dollars has always been difficult.  Which is why the YMCA has now introduced parasites into their pools.

“We feel that when kids are outdoors it really enhances their educational time to experience all of nature,” says YMCA event coordinator Sally Knuckles.  “Poolside Playtime with Parasites really helps us to compete with businesses like the Newport Aquarium.  It’s like we have a whole zoo in a cup of water.”

To stick with the theme of parasites & fecal contamination the YMCA has even renamed the water slide to "The Poop Shoot."  And now the pool side is the "Poop Deck."  Kids seem to love it.

“I love the YMCA mommy,” says Bobby Shwartz, age 5.  “All the tapeworms make it feel like I’m swimming in spaghetti!”