Blaine: Do you ever just want to say fuck it and not deliver a goddamn present to anyone?

Santa: I think about it all the time. I was close back in 1977. I was at Studio 54 snorting coke off Liza Minelli’s left breast on Christmas Eve. Jackie Bisset was on the right. Man, I was toast. I didn’t get out of there until 3 in the morning. I was high as a kite delivering those presents.

Blaine: The paparazzi never seems to get a good picture of you, why is that?

Santa: No, they do get good pictures of me. A few years ago, one snapped a picture of me and Robin Givens on the island of St. Croix. I had to threaten him with taking him off my delivery list if he published the pictures. I have to do that every now and again. The threat of them not getting their presents is a hell of a deterrent.

During last week's snowstorm, I compiled a live up-to-the-minute BLOG of my commute home! 

Thursday, December 8, 2005

2:01 PM

Spotted snowflake at work.  Told boss "it's every man for himself!" and took off.  Knocked down lunch lady getting off the elevator.  Would've stopped to check on her, but must beat the traffic.

Too late. Uptown streets instantaneously gridlocked. It was really weird.  Like cars had sprung forth from beneath the ground upon contact with snow.

3:00 PM

Stopped in for a beer at Mecklenberg's.  Left car outside at intersection.

CINCINNATI - America's favorite couple, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson (also known as Nessica Limpson and Jick Sachey), called it quits just before Thanksgiving.

Near as we can tell, here are the top ten reasons for the breakup:

10. Nick tired of gorgeous blondes with fake breasts

9. Jessica to Nick: "Quit fucking my co-stars."

8. Nick to Jessica: "You don't need another Louis Vuitton."

NEWPORT - Gomez is a dead end, or so it appears.  The man in the velour suit wants money.  Lots of money.  Money that I just don't have, not after my recent botox procedures.  I leave the Westend Tavern, telling him I will keep in touch.

My mind reels with unanswered questions. Where is Blaine?  What or who is he hiding from?   Though my efforts to raise funds through a collection at the Dealer office nets only 3 jellybeans and a filthy penny, I am heartened by the number of kind people who contact me throughout the week, expressing concern for their favorite media personality, letting me know that I am not alone in my despair.

Louella Parsons, a 70-year-old lady with lungs of iron, calls to let me know that she played Bingo last Thursday with a man fitting Blaine's description.

"He's tall, isn't he?"

No, not really.

"Smells nice?"

No, not really.

"Well, that picture of him with the pig really meant a lot to me.  My granddaddy used to raise pigs."

I thank her for getting in touch with me, and then ask her to spread the word among her network of bingo-playing friends.  These women hold the pulse of Northern Kentucky in their gnarled fingers.

Congratulations go out to 9 year old Tom Wensel of Beechwood Elementary School for earning the 2006 Cincinnati Dealer Best Halloween Costume Award!

SPENCER - TARBELL

Nicholas Eugene Spencer - James Ray Tarbell

Mr. and Mrs. Mathew S. Spencer of Madison, Ohio are happy to announce the engagement of their son, Nicholas Spencer, to James R. Tarbell, son of Mr. and Mrs. David Tarbell of Cincinnati, Ohio. Nicholas is a owner of the bar Alchemize and candidate for city council.  James graduated from Withrow High School, studied PreMed at the Lowell Institute.  He owns Grammar’s restaurant and is a Councilman for the city of Cincinnati.  The engagement took place on October 28th in a cozy little nook at the Blind Lemon.  A November 2005 wedding is planned at City Hall, Cincinnati, Ohio. The couple will reside in Over-The-Rhine, Ohio.*

*The Cincinnati Dealer would like to appologize for this incident.  After a night of drinks Harold yelled out "Well if you like Tarbell sooo much why don't you marry him."  As usual, Spencer takes us way too seriously.

NEWPORT - Barnyard Burlesque returned to the Southgate House Saturday for a special Halloween show that focused on the epic moral battle that rages within all of us.

"Our costumes are based on themes of Good versus Evil," said BB founder and costume-maker Stacey Vest.

Keeping with the theme, BB dancers donned angel and devil costumes to square off in a metaphysical catfight. Devils tore at wings and angels grabbed at pitchforks until ultimately little remained of their differences.

According to a recent Enquirer article, an increasing number of local high school seniors plan to take a year's break after graduation, also known as a "gap year."

But while the Enquirer's report consisted of interviewing 3 ambitious students, each planning to spend their gap year either enriching their cultural background or providing community service, most Tri-State students have very different plans for gap year.