The Dealer's own Patricia Cake called on some famous Queen City folk to get a New Year's resolution from each.  Learn how these important Cincinnatians plan to make 2006 a year to remember!

Question:  What is the resolution you most hope to realize in the year 2006?

Jessica Simpson - "Take up another intellectual pursuit.  I've always wanted to master the game of tic-tac-toe."

Mark Mallory - "Get a place of my own."

David Pepper - "I have big plans for 2006.  I'm going to grow a beard and talk like a chicken.  I'll also start an organization to raise awareness of the damage caused by unfair elections decided by stupid dumbhead voters."

John Cranley - "I'm taking my ball and going to play elsewhere.  City Council is for sissies."

Marvin Lewis - "Move the Bengals to San Francisco in 2006.  The 49ers are washed up, and our guys look great in gold tights." 

WEST CHESTER - In yet another blow to the spirit of Christmas, a warm air mass malingered in the region December 25th, depriving local residents of a snowy Christmas morn.

Though Channels 5, 9, and 12 constantly bombarded their airwaves with dopplerganger ads predicting ferocious blizzards just beyond every horizon, Mother Nature had other plans for the area. 

Citizens for Family Values spokesman Jack Offethome suggested that the balmy weather, unlike the wishing of a "Happy Holiday," might not be yet another sign of ungodliness. 

"Our President, in his wisdom, understands that God has given mankind the duty and responsibility to make use of the Earth as he sees fit.  Any attempt to place the health and welfare of so-called 'eco-systems' on the same plane as that of humanity is a satanic attempt to undermine mankind's dominion over bird, beast, and flower."

Creek Road, Sharonville.  Yes, that's "Glory to GOD in the highest" spelled out on the front lawn in Christmas lights in front of a life-sized manger.

OXFORD - Admitting there's a problem is the first step Miami.  Now, with help and medication, you can move on.

Appearing on "The U", a five-disc DVD set showcasing midwest colleges, Miami students tell all. Whether or not the videos are for comedy, recruiting, information, or none of the above is unclear. But the quotes are hilarious!

"If you're willing to spend, like, a lot of money on your jeans, this is probably the right place for you."

"Appearance is key here," with the goal being, "How rich can I look?"

"Hi, Daddy, thanks for paying for my alcohol."

"I can't stuff my face fast enough."

ARNOLD'S - Clear out the bathtub, Vixen, the Monologues are comin' to town!  In a raunchy and racy tell-all performance, The Know Theatre Tribe has caught Santa with his red leggings hanging down around his ankles. 

This reviewer says "kudos" to The Tribe for its brave telling of an age-old tale.  This is a production not for the squeamish.  But if the mental picture of a saggy Mrs. Claus (replete with pasties and a crotch-clinging elf) whooping it up at the North Pole office party makes your bells jingle, then it's time to rush on over to the venerable saloon and take your seat with all the other merry pervs getting their jollies at the expense of a fat old Saint and eight horny, bitter, reindeer. 

Blaine: Do you ever just want to say fuck it and not deliver a goddamn present to anyone?

Santa: I think about it all the time. I was close back in 1977. I was at Studio 54 snorting coke off Liza Minelli’s left breast on Christmas Eve. Jackie Bisset was on the right. Man, I was toast. I didn’t get out of there until 3 in the morning. I was high as a kite delivering those presents.

Blaine: The paparazzi never seems to get a good picture of you, why is that?

Santa: No, they do get good pictures of me. A few years ago, one snapped a picture of me and Robin Givens on the island of St. Croix. I had to threaten him with taking him off my delivery list if he published the pictures. I have to do that every now and again. The threat of them not getting their presents is a hell of a deterrent.

During last week's snowstorm, I compiled a live up-to-the-minute BLOG of my commute home! 

Thursday, December 8, 2005

2:01 PM

Spotted snowflake at work.  Told boss "it's every man for himself!" and took off.  Knocked down lunch lady getting off the elevator.  Would've stopped to check on her, but must beat the traffic.

Too late. Uptown streets instantaneously gridlocked. It was really weird.  Like cars had sprung forth from beneath the ground upon contact with snow.

3:00 PM

Stopped in for a beer at Mecklenberg's.  Left car outside at intersection.

CINCINNATI - America's favorite couple, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson (also known as Nessica Limpson and Jick Sachey), called it quits just before Thanksgiving.

Near as we can tell, here are the top ten reasons for the breakup:

10. Nick tired of gorgeous blondes with fake breasts

9. Jessica to Nick: "Quit fucking my co-stars."

8. Nick to Jessica: "You don't need another Louis Vuitton."

NEWPORT - Gomez is a dead end, or so it appears.  The man in the velour suit wants money.  Lots of money.  Money that I just don't have, not after my recent botox procedures.  I leave the Westend Tavern, telling him I will keep in touch.

My mind reels with unanswered questions. Where is Blaine?  What or who is he hiding from?   Though my efforts to raise funds through a collection at the Dealer office nets only 3 jellybeans and a filthy penny, I am heartened by the number of kind people who contact me throughout the week, expressing concern for their favorite media personality, letting me know that I am not alone in my despair.

Louella Parsons, a 70-year-old lady with lungs of iron, calls to let me know that she played Bingo last Thursday with a man fitting Blaine's description.

"He's tall, isn't he?"

No, not really.

"Smells nice?"

No, not really.

"Well, that picture of him with the pig really meant a lot to me.  My granddaddy used to raise pigs."

I thank her for getting in touch with me, and then ask her to spread the word among her network of bingo-playing friends.  These women hold the pulse of Northern Kentucky in their gnarled fingers.