SOMEWHERE MAGICAL - Forbes magazine's annual Best Cities For Singles list is out, and Cincinnati, though ranked #26 overall, received a #1 ranking in the Nightlife subcategory.

"Wow.   All I can say is 'wow'.  You can quote me on that," said 28-year-old Chris McHenry of Mt. Lookout. 

"I love Cincinnati as much as the next gal, " commented Haley Barnes of Northside, "but what I wanna know is which intern got blown to put up that top number."

The methodology for the rankings was not fully explained but did include sources such as the U.S. Census, Richard Florida of Catalytix, the UCLA School of Law, dice, coin flips, and round-robin turtle races.

In 2004, Cincinnati ranked second to last at #39 on the list.  It ranked #30 in 2005, and improved once again in 2006 to #26.  Strikingly, the Cincinnati Dealer launched in December of 2004, mirroring Cincinnati's steady rise as a singles mecca.  Coincidence?

CINCINNATI - In 1999, plans were unveiled for a 51-acre riverfront park running along the water under the Roebling Suspension Bridge.  Work was scheduled to begin in 2003 and to complete in 2005 or 2006.  

Back then, locals who knew better urged each other "not to hold your breath."  Unfortunately, downtown resident Tom Hollis did not heed that advice.  Hollis passed away last week after holding his breath for more than six years.

"Tom was so excited about the park," said neighbor Jim Thorpe.  "At some point in 2000, he started holding his breath.  He figured he could hold out until 2006.  I'm surprised he made it as long as he did."

The city recently unveiled the latest plans for the park along with a schedule that called for groundbreaking as early as August 2007 and completion in 2010.  The announcement came amidst inexplicable excitement.

Thorpe has taken a more realistic approach.  "With any luck, my great-granchildren will be able to play on the river in that park." 

No alcoholic beverages... with one tiny exception.

Please do not feed or tease the giant beer bottle.

Pick an incorrect spelling of "Y'all" and stick with it, Pit to Plate. "Yull all?"

Click "FULL STORY" to see the rest of the photos. 

The library fountain seen "bringing the drama"

DOWNTOWN - A group of thugged-out teenagers hanging out in front of the Downtown Library on Sunday may not be reacting in the desired fashion to the classical music now playing near the bus stop on Vine Street.

"It's like The Godfather up in this bitch," remarked Ray-Don, 18, as Beethoven's Ninth Symphony loudly pumped from the speakers, "That shit is bumping."

"Beethoven's the god," agreed Neva-Mo, 17, "This music puts me in the perfect mood for busting a fool's grill, or stepping to a bitch."

Several nearby teens then gave props to "that playa Wolfgang Amadeus".

By Anonymous (great lover and respecter of God, Allah, The Bible, The Koran, Mormons, Masons, The Dead Sea Scrolls, Simon Cowell, Family Values, The Age of Aquarius, Little Fairies, The Guru in Clifton, Jerry Parker, Sparko, loads of Saints, and Tinkerbell.)

Ms. Patricia Cake, formerly of the Cincinnati Dealer, has been slapped with a fatwa after a crude drawing she created made its way into the hands of local Shriner Chapter 310.

"The Shriners will not allow this blasphemy to go unpunished," stated Mitch Mulligan, Grand Poobah of the 50-man lodge. "Anyone who laughingly depicts our members driving around in their little cars with their great big hats will not live to see another parade.  Long live PBR!"

Ms. Cake reportedly approached the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Department when she learned that her life was in danger. Simon Leis had little sympathy for the satirist. "If this is her idea of ‘journalism,’ mocking some of our most honored institutions, well, then, I guess she’ll just have to deal with the consequences on her own."

By 5chw4r7z
Guest Columnist

Not wanting to be outdone by the Ammons United Methodist Church, downtown resident 5chw4r7z organized the 1 Man March last Thursday. As his wife went out with freinds to the The Bacchanalian Society wine tasting, He realized that nobody was going to do anything for him and he would be responsible for his own entertainment for the evening.

"I was one of those people who looked at the news as entertainment. I would turn it on every night to see if something had happened," 5chw4r7z said. But after seeing news of one shooting after another, he said, "I realized that one day that something that happens is going to be me landing in one of those boxes." So he organized a march to McFaddens to drink his blues away. While being wildly optomistic about getting enough particapation for the march he was surprised when he met the goal of having one old pasty white guy (himself) march to McFaddens and pound down brews all night.

By Harold, Editor-In-Chief

(Owner of a silver Porsche & Clever as all get-out)

1. How old are you?
2. What sex are you?
3. Do you drink Jaeger?
4. Do you drink lots of Jaeger? Smoke pot? Drop acid?
5. Do you enjoy having impaired judgement?
6. Would a Rod McKuen LP turn you on?
7. Have you ever seen the flick "Sex Kittens Go to College?" 
8. Are mechanical robots and their dogs part of your repertoire of sexual fantasies?
9. Do you lust after journalists?
10. Have you ever "known" an internet-journalist in the Biblical sense?
11. On which side of town do you prefer to get your jollies?
12. Do you enjoy playing cornhole in the buff?
13. Have you ever been in a pornographic movie?
14. Is your phone number unlisted?
15. Can you contact me at the following email address: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ?

Thank you for participating in the Cincinnati Dealer’s 1^st Annual Sex Survey.

Note to Reader: You cannot catch a disease by participating in this survey.

Thanks for dumping your unsolicited product at our doorsteps, but we're not interested. Come back and pick this crap up.

Sincerely,

Everone in my apartment building

CINCINNATI - On January 11, 2006, the Enquirer published the weakest article in the paper's storied history: "Starbucks Plans Second Drive-thru Here." The article, which tells how Starbucks is opening yet another location, scored a record 9.87 on the Weakometer (wee-KOM-eh-ter).

These quotes from the article were flagged in the Weakometer's analysis:

"In the summer (of 2006), we are planning to open a drive-through in the West Chester area," said Keith Stewart, regional marketing manager.

Though Starbucks has offered breakfast sandwiches at some outlets throughout the nation, there are currently no plans to sell them at Greater Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky stores, officials said.

The previous record holder was the spectacularly banal "Pancakes Nourish, Entertain Children," published in the Enquirer April 14, 2004.

Slipping from second to third place was "Anna Nicole Smith Comes to Kirstie Alley's Defense" (July 29, 2004).