CINCINNATI -  Cincinnatians everywhere are making preparations this week for the statewide smoking ban that takes effect this Friday. 

Citywide sales of Kodiak, Red Man, and Skoal smokeless tobacco have skyrocketed in preparation for the ban, and local media has stepped in to help citizens fill the nicotine void.  Local 9 News did a feature story, "The Ins and Outs of Snuff: What is it and how can it help you?",  while The Enquirer had a human interest story Monday on "Chaw Etiquette".

One anonymous bar owner was found investing in cheap patio furniture and tiki torches for a "patio" that was once a humble back-alley vomitorium.

Local businesses without patio space are providing safe alternatives to cigarettes. Norwood bowling alley Stones Lanes will sponsor an "Oral Fixation Tournament" with free lollipops and tootsie rolls to all participants, while Northside pub The Comet plans to give out a free nicotine patch with every burrito sold.

CINCINNATI - In the wake of losing his job at the pentagon, Donald Rumsfeld has been consulting with local boy-band advisor, Nick Lachey. Lachey recommended the  Ex-Sec start a hip-hop boy band. 

So Rumsfeld approached recently unemployed house-husband/rapper Kevin Federline and the two formed FedXxXSec. The duo believe they can use defiant boy band stardom to win back the hearts of the nation.

"Right now, we're America's most hated," K-Fed said. "I told Rummy, we can ride with that, middle fingers up still sayin' fuck the globe."

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008," Rumsfeld said about their upcoming album, "Outta 'Da Bush." 

According to Rumsfeld, their first single "Back to Back to Backup Dancing," has got some bangin' rhymes:

As you know there are known knowns / The things you know you know / Then there are the unknown unknowns / They hit you like a rock, hard / And then you're back to back to backup dancing.

Other songs on the upcoming release include:

• The Army You Have (Not the Army You Need)
• Rice Ain't White
• Rook to the Uruk
• P-O-T-U-S
• No Child Left Alive (for Britney)

FedXxXSec's "Outta 'Da Bush"  drops February 14, 2007.  

MASON - Mason school board member Jennifer Miller put on her best Christian behavior Wednesday night.  Miller took issue with the superintendent's decision to provide some Muslim students with a room away from the cafeteria, since they were fasting.  Board meeting observer Shirley Jenkins described her behavior.  

"Actually, I couldn't tell if she was mad that they were given a room, or if she was mad that they might pray in that room.  Of course, they didn't even use the room - they went to the library during lunch instead.  But by then Miller began calling everyone in the room a liar, questioned the superintendent's morals and ethics, and questioned the very presence of a board member who may or may not have been appointed rather than elected.  At that point, everyone pretty much got tired of her voice and got up and left."

Miller, who has advocated prayer in public schools and Bible-based instruction, clarified her comments after the meeting

"Let me be perfectly clear.  It's not that I think Muslim students shouldn't have a  prayer room. It's that I think Muslim students shouldn't have a prayer room, a fasting room, or any other rooms.  In fact, they shouldn't be in public schools.  We should really create special, all-Muslim schools that are separate, but equal."

Miller then put her Crucifix-shaped dagger back in her purse and walked off.

OVER-THE-RHINE - Though the popular Main St. gallery hop in Over-The-Rhine has endured for two decades, Oakley didn't seem to mind starting its own Final Friday this summer, with the same name, and much the same idea, only instead of galleries patrons can walk amongst overpriced furniture stores.

Recently, other neighborhoods have taken notice as numerous other Final Friday's have surfaced.  There is now a Final Friday Northside (a tour of hipster bars), a Final Friday Clifton (strange clothing stores that nobody ever seems to buy from), a Final Friday Hyde Park (more Asian fusion restaurants than you can count), and a Final Friday Newport, which occurs on the last Saturday of the month.  And Covington announced yesterday that it would be moving its popular First Friday gallery hop to the last Friday of the month as well.

Over-The-Rhine groups have expressed frustration over the newcomers.  "We had it first!" exclaimed gallery owner Liza Doolittle.  "We're considering changing the event name to Finalest Friday.  Let them trump that!" 

SOMEWHERE MAGICAL - Forbes magazine's annual Best Cities For Singles list is out, and Cincinnati, though ranked #26 overall, received a #1 ranking in the Nightlife subcategory.

"Wow.   All I can say is 'wow'.  You can quote me on that," said 28-year-old Chris McHenry of Mt. Lookout. 

"I love Cincinnati as much as the next gal, " commented Haley Barnes of Northside, "but what I wanna know is which intern got blown to put up that top number."

The methodology for the rankings was not fully explained but did include sources such as the U.S. Census, Richard Florida of Catalytix, the UCLA School of Law, dice, coin flips, and round-robin turtle races.

In 2004, Cincinnati ranked second to last at #39 on the list.  It ranked #30 in 2005, and improved once again in 2006 to #26.  Strikingly, the Cincinnati Dealer launched in December of 2004, mirroring Cincinnati's steady rise as a singles mecca.  Coincidence?

CINCINNATI - In 1999, plans were unveiled for a 51-acre riverfront park running along the water under the Roebling Suspension Bridge.  Work was scheduled to begin in 2003 and to complete in 2005 or 2006.  

Back then, locals who knew better urged each other "not to hold your breath."  Unfortunately, downtown resident Tom Hollis did not heed that advice.  Hollis passed away last week after holding his breath for more than six years.

"Tom was so excited about the park," said neighbor Jim Thorpe.  "At some point in 2000, he started holding his breath.  He figured he could hold out until 2006.  I'm surprised he made it as long as he did."

The city recently unveiled the latest plans for the park along with a schedule that called for groundbreaking as early as August 2007 and completion in 2010.  The announcement came amidst inexplicable excitement.

Thorpe has taken a more realistic approach.  "With any luck, my great-granchildren will be able to play on the river in that park." 

No alcoholic beverages... with one tiny exception.

Please do not feed or tease the giant beer bottle.

Pick an incorrect spelling of "Y'all" and stick with it, Pit to Plate. "Yull all?"

Click "FULL STORY" to see the rest of the photos. 

The library fountain seen "bringing the drama"

DOWNTOWN - A group of thugged-out teenagers hanging out in front of the Downtown Library on Sunday may not be reacting in the desired fashion to the classical music now playing near the bus stop on Vine Street.

"It's like The Godfather up in this bitch," remarked Ray-Don, 18, as Beethoven's Ninth Symphony loudly pumped from the speakers, "That shit is bumping."

"Beethoven's the god," agreed Neva-Mo, 17, "This music puts me in the perfect mood for busting a fool's grill, or stepping to a bitch."

Several nearby teens then gave props to "that playa Wolfgang Amadeus".

By Anonymous (great lover and respecter of God, Allah, The Bible, The Koran, Mormons, Masons, The Dead Sea Scrolls, Simon Cowell, Family Values, The Age of Aquarius, Little Fairies, The Guru in Clifton, Jerry Parker, Sparko, loads of Saints, and Tinkerbell.)

Ms. Patricia Cake, formerly of the Cincinnati Dealer, has been slapped with a fatwa after a crude drawing she created made its way into the hands of local Shriner Chapter 310.

"The Shriners will not allow this blasphemy to go unpunished," stated Mitch Mulligan, Grand Poobah of the 50-man lodge. "Anyone who laughingly depicts our members driving around in their little cars with their great big hats will not live to see another parade.  Long live PBR!"

Ms. Cake reportedly approached the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Department when she learned that her life was in danger. Simon Leis had little sympathy for the satirist. "If this is her idea of ‘journalism,’ mocking some of our most honored institutions, well, then, I guess she’ll just have to deal with the consequences on her own."

By 5chw4r7z
Guest Columnist

Not wanting to be outdone by the Ammons United Methodist Church, downtown resident 5chw4r7z organized the 1 Man March last Thursday. As his wife went out with freinds to the The Bacchanalian Society wine tasting, He realized that nobody was going to do anything for him and he would be responsible for his own entertainment for the evening.

"I was one of those people who looked at the news as entertainment. I would turn it on every night to see if something had happened," 5chw4r7z said. But after seeing news of one shooting after another, he said, "I realized that one day that something that happens is going to be me landing in one of those boxes." So he organized a march to McFaddens to drink his blues away. While being wildly optomistic about getting enough particapation for the march he was surprised when he met the goal of having one old pasty white guy (himself) march to McFaddens and pound down brews all night.