CINCINNATI –  Hundreds of fish donated their lives this week so they could be tossed around by local corporate groups and then disposed, as part of Bill Donabedian’s brilliant plans to reinvent Fountain Square.

One of the brothers of the deceased issued the following statement:

When Pesco was captured by that net, we worried that he was donating his life merely to exact revenge on the people who pollute our waters with dioxins and heavy metals.

We were relieved to hear that rather than being eaten, Pesco merely wanted to have his body tossed around for fun, and then thrown into a trash barrel.

While we miss him, it speaks volumes that fun-loving Pesco donated his life to the cause of fun, rather than harming someone’s health.

Next month, Donabedian plans to follow up the fish-throwing contest with a roadkill-throwing contest.

Purple People Bridge Climb, we hardly knew ye

CINCINNATI / N. KY -  May 23rd is the one year anniversary of the Purple People Bridge Climb's demise, and many locals are sharing their bittersweet memories of the Purple People Bridge Climb.

"The bridge climb was wonderful," said Hyde Park resident Mitch Applebee, "We got to dress up in L.A. Lakers jumpsuits, and learned how to climb really steep stairs.  What a rush, and all for the low price of $79.95."

 "The best part was the training," said Mount Adams resident Stephanie Smyth, "We learned how to use mountain climbing equipment on a railed catwalk. Thanks to the bridge climb, I will always have that knowledge.  I now use caribiners, rope, and a harness whenever I need to climb out on my fire escape."

"The view was spectacular," said Covington resident Lenny Sampson, "It was sort of like being on the Carew Tower Observation Deck, only 500 feet lower and 77 dollars more expensive.  How sad that it's been a year since it ended." 

Although the bridge climb mysteriously and tragically ended on May 23rd, 2007, it is not forgotten, and its memory will live on in the hearts of many.

2007-2008 Attendance Reasons     Religious:  31%     School:  22%     Irony:  17%     Sarcasm: 13%     Criticism:  9%     Dinosaurs:  7%     LSD:   1%

PETERSBURG, KY - School groups who are teaching fair and balanced theories (both the Creationist Theory and the Flying Saucerist Theory) on human origins aren't the only ones elevating the Creation Museum's first year attendance beyond projections. 

According to co-founder Mark Looey, 30% of museum visitors credited either irony or sarcasm factors as instrumental in their reasons for attending.

 "The irony appreciation attendees are known for their tendency to giggle or even roll around on the floor laughing," said Looey, "At first we thought they were having religious experiences." 

Looey also discussed how rising gas prices hadn't put a damper on museum attendance, but could affect future attendance. 

"When Jesus returns, I hope he will bring the dinosaurs back with him to help alleviate our rising oil costs," said Looey.

CINCINNATI - As Earth Day approaches, the locally-sourced diet known as "Locavorism" is gaining lots of attention throughout Cincinnati, most prominently in the Cincinnati Locavore blog. The concept is based on the fact that less fuel is spent transporting our food if the food is grown locally. 

These turkeys didn't do any of their shopping at local farmers' markets, and are paying the price

In other words, that orange that you ate for breakfast probably flew first class from Miami to Cincinnati.  It was no doubt an exclusive chartered flight just for the orange, so you can imagine all the fuel that was spent on just one orange.  Why that orange only cost you 25 cents is a mystery, but the point is that a Cincinnatian should always travel to Florida first before eating an orange.

Locavores also encourage simple cooking, with meals that contains less than 10 ingredients. This is more out of necessity than simplicity, since there are only about 10 local foods available at any one time.

On the other side of the spectrum are the distantvores.  Distantvores eat an exlusively far-away diet, possibly because they haven't discovered the joy of eating more expensive local food.  Locavore Sarah Samuels has a plan to exterminate these irresponsible distantvores.

"Distantvores just won't stop eating food grown halfway across the country," said Samuels, "And they are eating a ton of this food, too.  The way I see it, we should just kill them off, preferably by eating them." 

"The sooner we eat these distantvores, the sooner we can stop them from destroying the environment."

Anyone in Cincinnati reading this who eats an exclusively distantvore diet (especially any of our farm animal readers) is advised to exercise caution.   The chicken feed, soybeans, or pig slop that you eat might taste good, but it came from far away and that makes you a target for locavores. 

WEST CHESTER - An insidious international cult that originated in Sweden has opened a local chapter this week in West Chester.  The cult, named Ikea, is devoted to the teachings of Supreme Guru Ingvar Kamprad who promotes "world peace through particle board".

The cult  initiated an advertising blitz in the area this month which attracted  thousands of converts. This was despite organized deprogramming attempts by local woodworkers against the cult's seductive philosophy of cheap furniture.

"Supreme Guru Ingvar is the truth, and his furniture is the way," claimed new convert Mary Macauley of Hyde Park, "And his furniture of truth leads to true happiness, which is sitting in a Hallsta chair while I blow kisses to Ingvar's 72 Rolls Royces."

Macauley, like many other local cult members, says she has already signed away last month's paycheck to the cult.

Cult members tend to spend much of their free time inviting friends and family members to the Ikea temple.  The rest of an Ikea cult member's grueling life is spent hand assembling the cult's disposable furniture, day and night. 

"Saddam Hussein Obama, Saddam Hussein Obama," chanted Cunningham in a sing-songy voice at the John McCain rally on Tuesday, "Boy, is he going to regret letting us know his middle name."

Cincinnatians are known for their sophisticated humor, and a person's embarrassing middle name can be the primary target of the Cincinnatian's rapier wit.

Local Cincinnatians with especially embarassing middle names, such as David Milosevic Akadjian, have to endure constant teasing, and rightfully so.  

"I refuse to be censored,"  Cunningham told reporters, "It is my right as an American to make fun of someone's extremely hilarious middle name."

Uncle Chuan

CINCINNATI -  The Museum Center's  "Bodies: The Exhibition"  was shocking on many levels for a local Chinese-American man.

Eric Nguyen, a 43-year-old accountant from Sharonville who emigrated from mainland China in 1988, says he recognizes his long-lost Uncle Chuan as one of the exhibits at "Bodies". 

"I can recognize his face.  No question about it, this is Uncle Chuan," Nguyen said of the plasticized corpse playing basketball.

 "And this is how I remember Uncle Chuan -  well-defined quadriceps, healthy heart, fractured femur,"  said Nguyen,  "What's really weird is I don't remember him ever playing basketball."

Nguyen insists he will try to claim his Uncle's remains. "I don't know, maybe I could put him on display in the living room." said Nguyen, "Or I might just, you know, bury him in the ground."

(Ed. Note:  There's an old saying amongst leftist, "independent" Cincinnati newspapers:  "It takes a boring man to live in the 'burbs, and it takes a rich, bourgeoise asshole to live in Hyde Park or Mt. Adams, but it takes a smart, courageous man to live in Over The Rhine."  In that vein, The Cincinnati Dealer proudly presents an interview with one brave professional who recently made the big move to OTR.  Although you will find this piece sandwiched between articles about the out-of-control violence in downtown Cincinnati (at fault:  Cincinnati Police) and the lack of key city-living amenties (at fault: Cincinnati Police), ironically, the entire gist of the interview will be how safe and convenient OTR-living really is.  But don't feel too guilty or uncool about where you live.  Rest assured that this interview is simply one man's rationalization of his own lack of safety.  Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, the article):

Cincinnati Dealer: Thanks for conducting this phone interview with us, Will.

Will Hasselo: No problem.  I've got a voice-over-internet phone here at my apartment.  That's right, voice-over-internet, I get broadband here in OTR.  And cable, and running water, and every utility I could ever want or need.

On February 15, 2007, the Contemporary Arts Center hosted the latest wine tasting of the Bacchanalian Society. We attended, and documented our experience with the following series of photographs.

Although there was plenty of parking in the Fountain Square garage, the driver of this Cadillac panicked and took the first available spot.

Let's take a closer look at the plaque in front of this car.

Ah, the Contemporary Arts Center. We are industrial and post-modern.

Look at how industrial and post-modern we are.

Does it get old, watching underdressed people in line complain about the sixteen-degree weather? Nah.

Click the "FULL STORY" link below to see the rest of the photos.

Inside

Police Really, Really Serious About Drunk Driving
Nobody Aware Of That One Bridge Next To Purple Bridge

Police Really, Really Serious About Drunk Driving

Police are really, really, like, really serious about drunken driving this time.  No, really.  In a news conference, various area law-enforcment agencies along with Ohio state troopers announced that for a few years, they weren't, you know, all that serious about drunk driving, and only handled them if they were bored, but that this year, they're totally all over the problem.

Nobody Aware Of That One Bridge Next To Purple Bridge

Mark Mann, 39, of Blue Ash sat in his Chevrolet Corsica just barely on the I-471bridge into Kentucky.  He was in the middle of a long line of cars exiting to Rt. 8 to hit the bars around Newport on the Levee.  When asked if he had considered taking the Taylor-Southgate bridge, he replied,

"The what bridge?  Oh, you mean that one next to the purple bridge?  I didn't think that was a real bridge.  I just thought it was for, like, trains or something."

Another driver behind him was asked the same question.  "Yeah, I know about that bridge," said Clem Haskins of Roselawn.  "But I don't like driving around downtown.  Ever.   I try to stay on the freeway from my doorstep to my destination.   Really efficient that way."