TOLEDO - A middle-class Toledo man has become a media sensation after daring to question Obama on his plan to increase taxes on millionaires.  Dubbed "MegaMillions Joe" by the McCain campaign, Joe Wurzelbacher plans to win the MegaMillions lotto sometime next year.

"I was looking forward to winning the $35 million jackpot sometime in March," said Wurzelbacher, "But when I saw that Obama's tax plan could bring me down from 35 million to only 33 million, that just kind of like deflated my hopes, you know?"

Wurzelbacher called the tax increase back to Ronald Reagan levels, "pure socialism".  Local supporters of  "MegaMillions Joe" agreed.

"My heart bleeds for any lottery winner who is burdened with winning $35 million during the Obama administration," said Harvey Wipsnar, a Toledo janitor who says he will stop playing the lottery if Obama wins.

Upon further investigation and interviews by the media, it was learned that Wurzelbacher didn't realize that lottery winnings are already substantially taxed, and Obama's plan calls for a relatively minor increase.

Furthermore, "MegaMillions Joe" had never actually bought a lottery ticket - he didn't even realize that it was necessary to purchase a lottery ticket in order to win the lottery.    Wurzelbacher even believed that the welfare checks his family had received were actually small lottery winnings.

Nevertheless, what struck the biggest blow to his "Megamillions Joe" lotto player authenticity was when he told reporters that he would prefer annual payments to the lump sum "cash option". 

The resulting uproar forced "MegaMillions Joe" to appear on Fox News every day this week, so he could repeatedly implore the media to leave him alone.

Purple People Bridge Climb, we hardly knew ye

CINCINNATI / N. KY -  May 23rd is the one year anniversary of the Purple People Bridge Climb's demise, and many locals are sharing their bittersweet memories of the Purple People Bridge Climb.

"The bridge climb was wonderful," said Hyde Park resident Mitch Applebee, "We got to dress up in L.A. Lakers jumpsuits, and learned how to climb really steep stairs.  What a rush, and all for the low price of $79.95."

 "The best part was the training," said Mount Adams resident Stephanie Smyth, "We learned how to use mountain climbing equipment on a railed catwalk. Thanks to the bridge climb, I will always have that knowledge.  I now use caribiners, rope, and a harness whenever I need to climb out on my fire escape."

"The view was spectacular," said Covington resident Lenny Sampson, "It was sort of like being on the Carew Tower Observation Deck, only 500 feet lower and 77 dollars more expensive.  How sad that it's been a year since it ended." 

Although the bridge climb mysteriously and tragically ended on May 23rd, 2007, it is not forgotten, and its memory will live on in the hearts of many.

2007-2008 Attendance Reasons     Religious:  31%     School:  22%     Irony:  17%     Sarcasm: 13%     Criticism:  9%     Dinosaurs:  7%     LSD:   1%

PETERSBURG, KY - School groups who are teaching fair and balanced theories (both the Creationist Theory and the Flying Saucerist Theory) on human origins aren't the only ones elevating the Creation Museum's first year attendance beyond projections. 

According to co-founder Mark Looey, 30% of museum visitors credited either irony or sarcasm factors as instrumental in their reasons for attending.

 "The irony appreciation attendees are known for their tendency to giggle or even roll around on the floor laughing," said Looey, "At first we thought they were having religious experiences." 

Looey also discussed how rising gas prices hadn't put a damper on museum attendance, but could affect future attendance. 

"When Jesus returns, I hope he will bring the dinosaurs back with him to help alleviate our rising oil costs," said Looey.

Uncle Chuan

CINCINNATI -  The Museum Center's  "Bodies: The Exhibition"  was shocking on many levels for a local Chinese-American man.

Eric Nguyen, a 43-year-old accountant from Sharonville who emigrated from mainland China in 1988, says he recognizes his long-lost Uncle Chuan as one of the exhibits at "Bodies". 

"I can recognize his face.  No question about it, this is Uncle Chuan," Nguyen said of the plasticized corpse playing basketball.

 "And this is how I remember Uncle Chuan -  well-defined quadriceps, healthy heart, fractured femur,"  said Nguyen,  "What's really weird is I don't remember him ever playing basketball."

Nguyen insists he will try to claim his Uncle's remains. "I don't know, maybe I could put him on display in the living room." said Nguyen, "Or I might just, you know, bury him in the ground."

(Ed. Note:  There's an old saying amongst leftist, "independent" Cincinnati newspapers:  "It takes a boring man to live in the 'burbs, and it takes a rich, bourgeoise asshole to live in Hyde Park or Mt. Adams, but it takes a smart, courageous man to live in Over The Rhine."  In that vein, The Cincinnati Dealer proudly presents an interview with one brave professional who recently made the big move to OTR.  Although you will find this piece sandwiched between articles about the out-of-control violence in downtown Cincinnati (at fault:  Cincinnati Police) and the lack of key city-living amenties (at fault: Cincinnati Police), ironically, the entire gist of the interview will be how safe and convenient OTR-living really is.  But don't feel too guilty or uncool about where you live.  Rest assured that this interview is simply one man's rationalization of his own lack of safety.  Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, the article):

Cincinnati Dealer: Thanks for conducting this phone interview with us, Will.

Will Hasselo: No problem.  I've got a voice-over-internet phone here at my apartment.  That's right, voice-over-internet, I get broadband here in OTR.  And cable, and running water, and every utility I could ever want or need.

On February 15, 2007, the Contemporary Arts Center hosted the latest wine tasting of the Bacchanalian Society. We attended, and documented our experience with the following series of photographs.

Although there was plenty of parking in the Fountain Square garage, the driver of this Cadillac panicked and took the first available spot.

Let's take a closer look at the plaque in front of this car.

Ah, the Contemporary Arts Center. We are industrial and post-modern.

Look at how industrial and post-modern we are.

Does it get old, watching underdressed people in line complain about the sixteen-degree weather? Nah.

Click the "FULL STORY" link below to see the rest of the photos.

Inside

Police Really, Really Serious About Drunk Driving
Nobody Aware Of That One Bridge Next To Purple Bridge

Police Really, Really Serious About Drunk Driving

Police are really, really, like, really serious about drunken driving this time.  No, really.  In a news conference, various area law-enforcment agencies along with Ohio state troopers announced that for a few years, they weren't, you know, all that serious about drunk driving, and only handled them if they were bored, but that this year, they're totally all over the problem.

Nobody Aware Of That One Bridge Next To Purple Bridge

Mark Mann, 39, of Blue Ash sat in his Chevrolet Corsica just barely on the I-471bridge into Kentucky.  He was in the middle of a long line of cars exiting to Rt. 8 to hit the bars around Newport on the Levee.  When asked if he had considered taking the Taylor-Southgate bridge, he replied,

"The what bridge?  Oh, you mean that one next to the purple bridge?  I didn't think that was a real bridge.  I just thought it was for, like, trains or something."

Another driver behind him was asked the same question.  "Yeah, I know about that bridge," said Clem Haskins of Roselawn.  "But I don't like driving around downtown.  Ever.   I try to stay on the freeway from my doorstep to my destination.   Really efficient that way."

CINCINNATI - In the wake of losing his job at the pentagon, Donald Rumsfeld has been consulting with local boy-band advisor, Nick Lachey. Lachey recommended the  Ex-Sec start a hip-hop boy band. 

So Rumsfeld approached recently unemployed house-husband/rapper Kevin Federline and the two formed FedXxXSec. The duo believe they can use defiant boy band stardom to win back the hearts of the nation.

"Right now, we're America's most hated," K-Fed said. "I told Rummy, we can ride with that, middle fingers up still sayin' fuck the globe."

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008," Rumsfeld said about their upcoming album, "Outta 'Da Bush." 

According to Rumsfeld, their first single "Back to Back to Backup Dancing," has got some bangin' rhymes:

As you know there are known knowns / The things you know you know / Then there are the unknown unknowns / They hit you like a rock, hard / And then you're back to back to backup dancing.

Other songs on the upcoming release include:

• The Army You Have (Not the Army You Need)
• Rice Ain't White
• Rook to the Uruk
• P-O-T-U-S
• No Child Left Alive (for Britney)

FedXxXSec's "Outta 'Da Bush"  drops February 14, 2007.  

MASON - Mason school board member Jennifer Miller put on her best Christian behavior Wednesday night.  Miller took issue with the superintendent's decision to provide some Muslim students with a room away from the cafeteria, since they were fasting.  Board meeting observer Shirley Jenkins described her behavior.  

"Actually, I couldn't tell if she was mad that they were given a room, or if she was mad that they might pray in that room.  Of course, they didn't even use the room - they went to the library during lunch instead.  But by then Miller began calling everyone in the room a liar, questioned the superintendent's morals and ethics, and questioned the very presence of a board member who may or may not have been appointed rather than elected.  At that point, everyone pretty much got tired of her voice and got up and left."

Miller, who has advocated prayer in public schools and Bible-based instruction, clarified her comments after the meeting

"Let me be perfectly clear.  It's not that I think Muslim students shouldn't have a  prayer room. It's that I think Muslim students shouldn't have a prayer room, a fasting room, or any other rooms.  In fact, they shouldn't be in public schools.  We should really create special, all-Muslim schools that are separate, but equal."

Miller then put her Crucifix-shaped dagger back in her purse and walked off.

OVER-THE-RHINE - Though the popular Main St. gallery hop in Over-The-Rhine has endured for two decades, Oakley didn't seem to mind starting its own Final Friday this summer, with the same name, and much the same idea, only instead of galleries patrons can walk amongst overpriced furniture stores.

Recently, other neighborhoods have taken notice as numerous other Final Friday's have surfaced.  There is now a Final Friday Northside (a tour of hipster bars), a Final Friday Clifton (strange clothing stores that nobody ever seems to buy from), a Final Friday Hyde Park (more Asian fusion restaurants than you can count), and a Final Friday Newport, which occurs on the last Saturday of the month.  And Covington announced yesterday that it would be moving its popular First Friday gallery hop to the last Friday of the month as well.

Over-The-Rhine groups have expressed frustration over the newcomers.  "We had it first!" exclaimed gallery owner Liza Doolittle.  "We're considering changing the event name to Finalest Friday.  Let them trump that!"