TOLEDO - A middle-class Toledo man has become a media sensation after daring to question Obama on his plan to increase taxes on millionaires.  Dubbed "MegaMillions Joe" by the McCain campaign, Joe Wurzelbacher plans to win the MegaMillions lotto sometime next year.

"I was looking forward to winning the $35 million jackpot sometime in March," said Wurzelbacher, "But when I saw that Obama's tax plan could bring me down from 35 million to only 33 million, that just kind of like deflated my hopes, you know?"

Wurzelbacher called the tax increase back to Ronald Reagan levels, "pure socialism".  Local supporters of  "MegaMillions Joe" agreed.

"My heart bleeds for any lottery winner who is burdened with winning $35 million during the Obama administration," said Harvey Wipsnar, a Toledo janitor who says he will stop playing the lottery if Obama wins.

Upon further investigation and interviews by the media, it was learned that Wurzelbacher didn't realize that lottery winnings are already substantially taxed, and Obama's plan calls for a relatively minor increase.

Furthermore, "MegaMillions Joe" had never actually bought a lottery ticket - he didn't even realize that it was necessary to purchase a lottery ticket in order to win the lottery.    Wurzelbacher even believed that the welfare checks his family had received were actually small lottery winnings.

Nevertheless, what struck the biggest blow to his "Megamillions Joe" lotto player authenticity was when he told reporters that he would prefer annual payments to the lump sum "cash option". 

The resulting uproar forced "MegaMillions Joe" to appear on Fox News every day this week, so he could repeatedly implore the media to leave him alone.

INDIAN HILL - On Monday, Independent 2nd District Congressional candidate David Krikorian claimed that there were some inconsistencies in Congresswoman Jean Schmidt's story about being hit by a car on her right side while jogging last week. 

"I listened to Jean Schmidt tell her story on the news, and that really isn't how I remember mowing her down at all," Krikorian told reporters.

Krikorian said that he had not edged dangerously closer to the side of the road, as Schmidt claimed the unknown hit and run driver had done.

"She was the one who nearly ran me off the road," said Krikorian, "After blinding me with her reflector vest, she did a pirouette, stuck out her bony left hip, and put a huge dent in my passenger side door, all while making sassy remarks about patriotism."

"I know exactly what happened because I was there," said Krikorian, "How can we trust Congresswoman Schmidt, when I know for a fact it was definitely not her right side, but her left side that I plowed into."

"Now don't feel sorry for her - this lady has hips made of titanium," he added, "You should feel sorry for me - I spilled coffee all over my trousers."

After reporters confronted him on the fact that his car was undamaged, Krikorian was forced to confess that he could not take credit for mowing down Schmidt.   He said he had a good reason to lie about being the hit and run driver.

 "Sorry, that was just my ploy to get sympathy, and therefore, votes," said Krikorian.

After receiving medical treatment for two broken ribs and two broken vertebrae, Schmidt ran the Chicago marathon on Sunday in 3 hours 48 minutes.  She is back in Washington this week, working on a $12 million sidewalk earmark. 

[After a lengthy hiatus, The original Spleen of Cincinnati returns to reclaim the persona that was stolen!!  The piss-poor imitator who stole your humble Spleen's moniker was so ashamed after his blatant theft was exposed, that he removed all of his blog entries.]

Some will refuse to believe it, but there is a part of me committed to doing comparative discount shopping until the moment I pull my bascart into a checkout lane.   I always remain open to one store swaying me over another. 

That said, I still advocate for whichever store provides the best deals, whether it be clothing, dishware, or sporting goods.  And, at this time, I happen to be enjoying the great deals at Value City - beautiful furniture, stylish clothing,  colorful candles, and fragrant jars of potpourri.

So yesterday I decided to exhibit my appreciation of Value City's amazing prices and friendly customer service by handing out Value City coupons and circulars at the Target in Mount Healthy.  Although a big box store like Target is supposedly "open to the public", I was surprised by my rough treatment.

1.  Foul-mouthed hypocrisy

Walking around the Target men's department, one Target shopper who I'd just given a Value City flier asked me "Who the hell shops at Value City?"  I then replied, "Who the hell shops at Target?"  Not that I believe Target is all bad, I just wanted to reflect his negativity back at him.

Amazingly, this pathetic excuse for a frugal shopper acted offended that I would say the exact same thing back to him.  Hypocrisy, anyone?  That move just cost you Target shoppers and your ilk 42 points.

2.  No Value City coupons allowed inside.

I was eventually told by several Target employees and then management that I couldn't distribute Value City circulars at Target.   I'm not sure if passing out Value City fliers and coupons at an open-to-the-public Target location should be that big of a deal, particularly since all kinds of people there were carrying Target circulars with them. 

But here is the thing: Target's motto is "Expect More, Pay Less".  Target is supposed to value discounted items..  Essentially they are supposed to value value, the kinds of values provided on a daily basis by Value City.   So, when Target shows they support cost-cutting values at their store, but not other amazing discounts which don't happen to be available at Target, it just makes me a bit disillusioned.  Minus 35 points for Target.

3.  “If you don’t leave, we are going to call the police.”

I’m not sure why my meager distribution of Value City information would incite anyone to extreme actions, but I couldn’t believe I was receiving this threat from a mindless Target employee drone who attempted to intimidate me.

I double-dog dare any Target store manager to press charges against me for exercising my freedom in a public place.  In the meanwhile, I’m taking 38 points more for the supreme disrespect for my right to peaceful and nonviolent distribution of Value City coupons.  That takes Target down 115 points.

4.  “I’d shop at Value City, but they don't have much selection.”

Before I was unjustly kicked out of the store, one of the Target shoppers had the nerve to tell me this. 

If everyone who said this went ahead and actually shopped at Value City, then they would have a much larger selection.  Enough said!

Target and stores like it are guilty of large-scale brainwashing so they can maintain their market dominance.  I’m taking 27 points for the sheer stupidity at play here.

5. Forcing the debate between Target and Wal-Mart

After being kicked out into the cold rain by a supposedly free market-espousing Target manager, one "savvy" shopper in the Target parking lot informed me that there was no real competition between Value City and Target - He condescendingly informed me that Wal-Mart is the only real competitor for Target out there, as if Target and Wal-Mart are the only stores in existence. 

When I asked this Target shopper about the values to be found at Stein Mart, Value City, and Family Dollar, he laughed in my face.  That arrogance just cost you Target shoppers another 25 points.

Final total -   The Spleen: 167, Target and all Target shoppers: 0.