CINCINNATI -   While Proportional Representation (PR) is on the ballot this year, its biggest advocates are emphasizing how simple it is to understand.  One aspect that is downplayed by many Issue 8 proponents is the role chance takes in PR. 

Under PR, a simple roll of the die on election night  can decide who will be on city council.   After the polls close in a PR system, the Board of Elections will gather around to roll a special 8-sided die.   This die will determine which of the following eight PR variations will be implemented:

1.  Extra Representation - First, you divide the winning margin of the top candidate by 9.  You take the remainder and then multiply it by whatever number comes up on your Ouija board.  Multiply this number by 10, take the square root, and then you should have a precinct number.  This precinct's voters will then have all of their second choice ballots counted.  Rinse and repeat.

2.  Non-Voter Representation -  Unlike other variations of PR, this system does not transfer the votes of the candidates who received the least votes.  Instead, these candidates will receive a set of "virtual votes" from the non-voting public.  The theory is that the candidates who receive the lowest vote totals would best represent the sizeable non-voting public.

3. Height-Weight Proportionate Representation - This system will eliminate all candidates who are full-figured or those who have a "few extra pounds".  Their votes will then be donated to the American Obesity Association.

4.  IQ Range Representation - This system will split the voters into nine IQ ranges, based on a quick IQ test.  The candidate with the most votes from an IQ range wins a seat on council.  This ensures that all IQ ranges are fairly represented.

5.  Abstract Expressiontation - This method only counts the vote bubbles which have been penciled in with feeling.

6. One Voter, Almost One Vote - This calculating technique will count a voter's top two choices as two percentages, the sum of which equal 0.999999999.

7. Roxanne Representation - In this system, the candidate with the most first place votes (Roxanne Qualls) appoints her first choice to join her on council. Then that person picks his/her first choice, and so on, and so on, until all 9 seats are filled.

8. Mulligan Representation - This version of PR is a repeated process of counting the ballots, both original and randomly selected.    The Board of Elections then keeps on issuing recounts until Mayor Mallory is satisfied with the final results.

CINCINNATI - In November, the Board of Elections will actually use Proportional Representation (PR) when PR goes on the ballot for Issue 8, so that voters can better understand how  PR works.   

Voters will have a chance to rank their "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" choices on the ballot (see picture example). PR advocates applauded this move, stating that "Yes", "No", and "Maybe" would be better represented by their constituencies in this election.

Here's how PR works:

For purposes of this example, let's say "No" gets the most first place votes in November. Any surplus of votes for No will then be redistributed to the surplus voters' second choice.   So some No voters get their first choice, while other, specialer No voters get their second choice.

If enough No voters had chosen a second choice of "Maybe", then Maybe could potentially move into first place, and become more proportionally represented than No.   However, many of  Maybe's new surplus of votes could then be deferred to the third choice of even specialer voters: "Yes".   Therefore, "Yes" would become the winner, becoming truly, the most proportionally represented of them all.

 
One bumper sticker warning that the windstorm didn't heed

CINCINNATI - Sunday's windstorm, whether brought on by Hurricane Ike or a Cincinnati hockey mascot, totally ignored warnings by the Ohio Department of Agriculture to never move firewood under any circumstances.

"When that windstorm decided to pull down trees, and blow broken tree limbs everywhere, I don't know if it realized that it was blatantly breaking Ohio law," said Ohio Dept. of Agriculture head Robert Boggs, "You should never move firewood, even if you happen to be a windstorm, and you're only moving the firewood 200 feet."

"And that goes for everyone visiting this state, whether you're about to go camping in one of Ohio's beautiful state parks,  or if you're getting ready to cause blackouts for thousands of people," said Boggs.

Boggs is asking that the windstorm be fined 2 million dollars for the crime of moving firewood, and 3.5 million for just being an "overall putz".

CINCINNATI - The Cincinnati Cyclones' loveable yet psychotic mascot "Twister" made a surprise summertime appearance in the Tri-State area on Sunday.

Since Cincinnati isn't typically well-known for its cyclones, Twister decided that his team wasn't getting the publicity it needed and deserved.

"We won the Kelly cup this year, and our team didn't even sell out tickets for the finals," Twister told reporters as he nonchalantly toppled some Clifton power lines.

"People complain about the losing sports teams in Cincinnati, but they never even come to our games," he added, while tossing a satellite dish as if it were a frisbee.

"First it was the Kelly Cup, but this year the Cyclones are taking over the world," he screamed, as he ripped an 80 foot tree from its root system.

"After I'm finished here, nobody will ever forget this Cincinnati cyclone."