CINCINNATI - The Walgreens at the corner of Colerain and West Galbraith seems innocent enough, but a new petition being circulated by Congressman Steve Chabot says otherwise.  Due to its proximity to some area schools, Chabot is demanding that Walgreens close its operations before the school season begins, as he explained in a Monday morning press conference.

"This Walgreens is a den of obscenity, a location where birth control pills, condoms, lubricants, and pregnancy tests are being sold a stone's throw from both St. Ann Elementary School and AAAA Driving School," said Chabot.

"Walgreens lures these children into the store with their discounts on Twizzlers and Jujubes, which are conveniently located not far from the fruit-flavored lubes," he said.

Walgreens released a statement expressing confusion about the timing of this petition, since this location has been opened for over 5 years, and is not required to close its operations even if a petition urging its demise is started by a congressman.

Although this Walgreens does not perform abortions, Chabot made the argument that birth control pills were like "tiny abortions in candy form".  Nevertheless, even kids who don't have a prescription to the birth control pills are given other options by Walgreens, according to Chabot.

"You're not going to believe this, but they even sell coat hangers at this Walgreens," said Chabot.

SHARONVILLE - A container of Vick's VapoRub was arrested by Sharonville police on Saturday for the charge of offering body rubs without a license.

Police are considering a greater charge of prostitution, but only if they can prove that anyone paid to have sexual contact with the mentholated ointment container.

"It's not that we don't want containers of VapoRub to have any fun,"  said Sharonville Lt.John Cook, "We just don't want anyone paying for a special VapoRub massage."

This container of VapoRub isn't a licensed massage therapist, but Lt. Cook says that didn't stop it from offering to rub on an undercover cop's chest and throat, for the temporary relief of his cold.  

"And it didn't stop there," said Lt. Cook, "It proceeded to offer to rub on his muscles and joints, stating that it would temporarily relieve his aches and pains."

"Now if that isn't code language for prostitution, I don't know what is," he added.

Local consumer products giant Procter & Gamble, which manufactures VapoRub, quickly distanced itself from the rogue practicing-massage-without-a-license ointment container.  A P&G representative told reporters that this incident should not reflect poorly on all of the other law-abiding containers of VapoRub.