CINCINNATI -   With its poor showing in 2008, this week Cincinnati-based Fifth Third Bank tried to squash rumors of being bought out,  further raising speculations as to the potential buyer. 

Local blogger Dean of Cincinnati has tipped financial market watchers as to the identity of 5/3's new buyer. According to the Dean, one only needs to look at 5/3's logo through the lens of a kaleidoscope to reveal the logo of its new buyer: financial giant Wachovia. 

A quick phone call to Wachovia's new CEO Bob Steele confirmed the Dean's suspicions. 

"That's weird," said Steele, "I actually had a vision of 5/3's logo while staring at the Wachovia logo.  This was after finishing my third fifth of bourbon last night."  

"The two logos are obviously a match made in heaven," added Steele, "Plus they're name is even goofier than ours.. I think we'll buy them.

Other than the blue & green logos, goofy names, and poor 2008 showings, neither Wachovia CEO Bob Steele nor the Dean of Cincinnati could provide any further reason for the banks' compatibility.

Rather than change the name of Fifth Third to Wachovia, Steele says they will most likely combine the names of the two banks, in the Fifth Third tradition, giving the new bank the name of Fifth Third Wachoviath.  

Glimpses at the logos of PNC Bank, Provident Bank, and Key Bank through a kaleidoscope were inconclusive. 

COLUMBUS - Columbus Attorney D. Michael Crites, the Republican candidate chosen to run in a special election to replace Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann, revealed his plan Friday to "comb over the AG office with a fine-toothed comb". 

"As Ohio Attorney General, I promise to add my own growth and maturity to the Attorney General's office," Crites told reporters, "And then carefully comb that growth over the bald spot of impropriety, left by Marc Dann."

"This is all speaking metaphorically, of course," added Crites.

Crites additionally promised voters a steady, unwavering comb over of the Attorney General office, "much like the combing over that Senator John McCain and Congressman Steve Chabot have brought to Congress."

Crites declined to comment on allegations that he is being investigated by the hair police for crimes against eyesight.

NORWOOD - Eleven acres of grass and dirt remain untouched since the Ohio Supreme Court finally ended the city of Norwood's abuse of eminent domain. "It's horrible, absolutely horrible," said Oakley resident Cassie Armstrong to the Enquirer.

Membres of the West Chestre Communitie gathre around the Towne Centre Clocke Towre

WEST CHESTER TWP -  In the tradition of its recent additions, "The Square at Union Centre" and "Towne Centre Square", West Chester Township is in the process of renaming itself to the more quaint "West Chestre Towneshippe".

The only item holding up the name change is a debate between township trustees as to whether the word "West" has an "e" on the end of it or not, a sticking point that Trustee Catherine Stoker supports.

"The 'e' at the end of 'West' just goes without saying," said Stoker, "Next thing, I suppose you're going to try to tell me that 'Towne' shouldn't have an 'e' on the end of it."

Trustee Lee Wong sees it differently.

"Towne is obviously pronounced the same as 'Town', but 'Weste' with an 'e' at the end almost looks foreign, possibly French," said Wong.

Nevertheless, both Stoker and Wong can agree on one thing: Stoker should definitely  change her last name to "Stokre". 

ANWR, ALASKA - House Republican Leader John Boehner of West Chester left with an expedition of fact-finding Republicans this morning on a journey to the center of the earth via a passage way beneath the ANWR glacier in Alaska. 

Boehner was inspired after reading Jules Verne's classic novel about a world of dinosaurs and rich oil fields beneath the Earth's mantle.

"Actually, it was Brendan Fraser's new movie that truly convinced me of the reality of Verne's novel," Boehner told reporters this week, before emphasizing how cool the the 3-D special effects were.  

"I believe in Jules Verne's tales of the underworld's dinosaur soup," continued Boehner, "We will examine the earth's center, it's dinosaur oils, its phosporescent rocks, while our ingenious induction coil lamps light the way to a lasting energy future, that house Democrats are still in denial of."

Boehner claims that high gas prices have nothing to do with the Republicans being the ruling party for the past 7 1/2 years, and everything to do with the reluctance of Democrats to tap into the rich oil reserves from the lost city of Atlantis.

Admittedly, it would be decades before any of these Atlantean reserves could be used, and analysts believe they would provide at most 6 months of oil.   Boehner says that the vast oil reserves already available in Texas would "cheapen" the oil trade, but he still wants to pursue the rich black gold at the earth's core, at least until November.  Boehner also scoffs at the environmentalists who are concerned about the habitat of the giant iguanas and dinosaurs deep inside the earth.

 "Hey, it's just the center of the earth," said Boehner, "It's not like anybody lives down there."  

Virtua-Obama Packs Fountain Square
......... 3CDC to start broadcasting every Obama speech live from Fountain Square's Jumbotron ............ Local photo journalist kicks himself for not having his camera to photograph  middle-aged white man in X-Clan t-shirt at Obama rally.

 Senile White Guy is History's First Senile White Guy to Speak at an NAACP convention  ........................  Fountain Square flooded with all 5 people in Cincinnati who have a McCain bumper sticker ......................

CityBeat writer to receive hate mail from local lardasses

Mayor Mallory Attempts to Explain Punchline to hilarious "Strickland Might Appoint Me Treasurer" Joke

"Well, see, it's really funny because nobody believes he would actually appoint me as treasurer.......... But if he did, as it's rumored, then I would have the last laugh.............. No, but really, I like being mayor............. But I would be interested in a treasurer position....... but then again I'm not interested because I'm definitely running for reelection........ hahahahaha...... Don't you get it?  It's actually kind of abstract."

Brian Griffin Ain't Down With Downtown West Chester

When Brian Griffin wrote "Read to It" in today's blog, was he telling readers to read an article, or was he making a sly reference to "Ready to Eat", or both?  Nevertheless, Downtown West Chester does suck.  It doesn't hold a candle to Downtown Chester.

CINCINNATI - Underwhelmed by the Census Bureau's estimate of 332,458 for Cincinnati's population that fell only 42 people short of that all-important 332,500 threshold, Mayor Mark Mallory is spending all weekend searching for 42 additional residents rather than concentrating on the NAACP convention. 

 "I know the NAACP convention is this week, but I would prefer if it was the National Association for the Advancement of Cincinnati's Population," said Mallory, "Because I just know for a fact that we've got at least 332,500."

Steps that Mallory is taking to find the additional 42 residents include:

1. Asking visiting NAACP convention-goers if they feel "at home" in Cincinnati, videotaping their responses.

2. Hiring Mexican immigrant laborers as part of his bodyguard team.

3. Investigating area Siamese twins to ensure they are being counted as two, not one.

4. Asking Elmwood Place mayor if they mind being annexed.

5. Calling up Leslie Ghiz to see if the baby's arrived yet.

6. Checking to make sure that adults who still live with their parents are being included in estimates.

CINCINNATI - Over the 4th of July weekend, the Reds gambled with an unconventional camouflage uniform, and it paid off in spades.  Not only did the Reds get to pretend they were real Army soldiers but they stole an average of 50% more bases with camouflauge on than without.

Jerry Hairston's stolen base in the bottom of the ninth on Saturday even led to the Reds win.

"It really is something else," said Reds manager Dusty Baker, "I think we should show our support for the troops year round.  We never considered that the camouflage would render our base runners virtually invisible."

"Now if only we could figure out a way to camouflage our losing record," added Baker.

CINCINNATI - Ever since it publicly opposed the use of euphemisms in the pages of CityBeat, Citizens for Community Values (CCV) has been looking for new ways to promote, well, community values.  In his latest campaign, CCV director Phil Burress is speaking out against the use of cameras on Walnut Street, in Cincinnati's red light district.

"Not only can a red light district camera depict dangerous pornography worse than any Sears brassiere ad," said Burress, "But recent studies show they do nothing to improve safety."

Burress point to the marked increase in smashed cameras and pimp slappings that occurred in Amsterdam before red light district cameras were banned there.  He is also concerned about an infamous Walnut Street figure who goes by the name of "Big Brother Pimpin'".

"Safety concerns and the Big Brother factor are the reasons I oppose the use of red light district cameras on Walnut Street," said Burress, "I understand the desire to photograph and expose these sex workers, but safety is the first priority."

"Rather than photograph a Walnut Street hooker, citizens concerned about community values should take the safer route, and videotape a dirty movie at your local motel," said Burress, "That is, as long as you promise to send us a copy."

 
                       FLIP                                                                    FLOP 

CINCINNATI - While John McCain was in Cincinnati last weekend, he sampled some of Cincinnati's famous Skyline Chili, and exposed yet another flip-flop in his stance on the use of a chili bib.

"At first, Senator McCain thought Cincinnati chili was too messy, so messy that it requires a bib," said Mayor Mallory, "But ol'  flip-flop McCain broke his word to protect his shirt and tie, and later removed the bib."

"Next thing, you're going to tell me that he changed his position on veteran's benefits," added Mallory.

"My friends, I was for the chili bib before I was against it," said McCain at a press conference this weekend, "I had ordered my 3-way 'wet', but as you can see from the photos, my 3-way was definitely not wet. I think the American people can appreciate the need for flexibility under changing circumstances."

Nevertheless, political analysts believe that that this new ambiguity could hurt the candidate who once had a reputation for being a straight talker. Which McCain would voters see in a McCain presidency - the chili bib McCain, or the beef-splattered shirt  McCain?