CINCINNATI -   With its poor showing in 2008, this week Cincinnati-based Fifth Third Bank tried to squash rumors of being bought out,  further raising speculations as to the potential buyer. 

Local blogger Dean of Cincinnati has tipped financial market watchers as to the identity of 5/3's new buyer. According to the Dean, one only needs to look at 5/3's logo through the lens of a kaleidoscope to reveal the logo of its new buyer: financial giant Wachovia. 

A quick phone call to Wachovia's new CEO Bob Steele confirmed the Dean's suspicions. 

"That's weird," said Steele, "I actually had a vision of 5/3's logo while staring at the Wachovia logo.  This was after finishing my third fifth of bourbon last night."  

"The two logos are obviously a match made in heaven," added Steele, "Plus they're name is even goofier than ours.. I think we'll buy them.

Other than the blue & green logos, goofy names, and poor 2008 showings, neither Wachovia CEO Bob Steele nor the Dean of Cincinnati could provide any further reason for the banks' compatibility.

Rather than change the name of Fifth Third to Wachovia, Steele says they will most likely combine the names of the two banks, in the Fifth Third tradition, giving the new bank the name of Fifth Third Wachoviath.  

Glimpses at the logos of PNC Bank, Provident Bank, and Key Bank through a kaleidoscope were inconclusive. 

NORWOOD - Eleven acres of grass and dirt remain untouched since the Ohio Supreme Court finally ended the city of Norwood's abuse of eminent domain. "It's horrible, absolutely horrible," said Oakley resident Cassie Armstrong to the Enquirer.

Membres of the West Chestre Communitie gathre around the Towne Centre Clocke Towre

WEST CHESTER TWP -  In the tradition of its recent additions, "The Square at Union Centre" and "Towne Centre Square", West Chester Township is in the process of renaming itself to the more quaint "West Chestre Towneshippe".

The only item holding up the name change is a debate between township trustees as to whether the word "West" has an "e" on the end of it or not, a sticking point that Trustee Catherine Stoker supports.

"The 'e' at the end of 'West' just goes without saying," said Stoker, "Next thing, I suppose you're going to try to tell me that 'Towne' shouldn't have an 'e' on the end of it."

Trustee Lee Wong sees it differently.

"Towne is obviously pronounced the same as 'Town', but 'Weste' with an 'e' at the end almost looks foreign, possibly French," said Wong.

Nevertheless, both Stoker and Wong can agree on one thing: Stoker should definitely  change her last name to "Stokre". 

Virtua-Obama Packs Fountain Square
......... 3CDC to start broadcasting every Obama speech live from Fountain Square's Jumbotron ............ Local photo journalist kicks himself for not having his camera to photograph  middle-aged white man in X-Clan t-shirt at Obama rally.

 Senile White Guy is History's First Senile White Guy to Speak at an NAACP convention  ........................  Fountain Square flooded with all 5 people in Cincinnati who have a McCain bumper sticker ......................

CityBeat writer to receive hate mail from local lardasses

Mayor Mallory Attempts to Explain Punchline to hilarious "Strickland Might Appoint Me Treasurer" Joke

"Well, see, it's really funny because nobody believes he would actually appoint me as treasurer.......... But if he did, as it's rumored, then I would have the last laugh.............. No, but really, I like being mayor............. But I would be interested in a treasurer position....... but then again I'm not interested because I'm definitely running for reelection........ hahahahaha...... Don't you get it?  It's actually kind of abstract."

Brian Griffin Ain't Down With Downtown West Chester

When Brian Griffin wrote "Read to It" in today's blog, was he telling readers to read an article, or was he making a sly reference to "Ready to Eat", or both?  Nevertheless, Downtown West Chester does suck.  It doesn't hold a candle to Downtown Chester.

 
                       FLIP                                                                    FLOP 

CINCINNATI - While John McCain was in Cincinnati last weekend, he sampled some of Cincinnati's famous Skyline Chili, and exposed yet another flip-flop in his stance on the use of a chili bib.

"At first, Senator McCain thought Cincinnati chili was too messy, so messy that it requires a bib," said Mayor Mallory, "But ol'  flip-flop McCain broke his word to protect his shirt and tie, and later removed the bib."

"Next thing, you're going to tell me that he changed his position on veteran's benefits," added Mallory.

"My friends, I was for the chili bib before I was against it," said McCain at a press conference this weekend, "I had ordered my 3-way 'wet', but as you can see from the photos, my 3-way was definitely not wet. I think the American people can appreciate the need for flexibility under changing circumstances."

Nevertheless, political analysts believe that that this new ambiguity could hurt the candidate who once had a reputation for being a straight talker. Which McCain would voters see in a McCain presidency - the chili bib McCain, or the beef-splattered shirt  McCain?