COLUMBUS - A science experiment gone awry has drawn the attention of millions of Christians.  Mount Vernon Middle School Science teacher John Freshwater was only trying to demonstrate to his class the volatile effect that burning a student's arm can have on a teacher's career.

^{The image of Jesus on the cross which miraculously appeared after Freshwater burned an "X" into the child's arm has rocked the Christian world.} 

^{"This was merely a lesson for students" said Freshwater, "I never expected a miracle.  To be punished for God's intervention is outrageous."}

^{Inspired by the Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich that fetched $28,000, the enterprising student has put his arm up for sale on Ebay.}
 

CINCINNATI - Political analysts took note this week as Hamilton County Commissioner Todd Portune took himself out of consideration as Barack Obama's Vice Presidential nominee.

At a special press conference today, Portune sought to preempt any possible rumors floating around that he might actually be on Obama's "short list".

"I am flattered to be considered," said Portune, "But I am not seeking the office of Vice President of the United States at this time.  I don't know if I could possibly be any clearer."

"I would of course be honored," he said, "But I am just a humble civil servant and awesome attorney who has never cheated on his wife."

"My talents are much better suited for a more simple office than the Vice Presidency, such as... oh I don't know, Ohio Attorney General, for one."

But I thought this would be a body rub.

But are the words "hot hot hot steamy body rub" necessarily code for illegal prostitution?  Not according to local Adult Entertainer Shirley Minxxx.

"You have no idea how many suckers think they're going to get laid when they hear those magic words," said Minxxx.

Rather than the Hamilton County Sheriff concentrating his efforts on arresting prostitutes, he has joined the CCV in its war on euphemisms.

"We will win the war on euphemisms," said Sheriff Simon Leis, "We must absolutely ban anyone from using language that could possibly be misconstrued as illegal, especially in alternative news weeklies."

"It's not that prostitutes are hard to prosecute," added Sheriff Leis, "It's just that words are a much easier target ."

Ironically, anything the CCV pays attention to, they are effectively promoting -  Monday's news conference has prompted a surge in hot tantric massages and steamy reiki body work performed by local hot stunning brunettes.