Purple People Bridge Climb, we hardly knew ye

CINCINNATI / N. KY -  May 23rd is the one year anniversary of the Purple People Bridge Climb's demise, and many locals are sharing their bittersweet memories of the Purple People Bridge Climb.

"The bridge climb was wonderful," said Hyde Park resident Mitch Applebee, "We got to dress up in L.A. Lakers jumpsuits, and learned how to climb really steep stairs.  What a rush, and all for the low price of $79.95."

 "The best part was the training," said Mount Adams resident Stephanie Smyth, "We learned how to use mountain climbing equipment on a railed catwalk. Thanks to the bridge climb, I will always have that knowledge.  I now use caribiners, rope, and a harness whenever I need to climb out on my fire escape."

"The view was spectacular," said Covington resident Lenny Sampson, "It was sort of like being on the Carew Tower Observation Deck, only 500 feet lower and 77 dollars more expensive.  How sad that it's been a year since it ended." 

Although the bridge climb mysteriously and tragically ended on May 23rd, 2007, it is not forgotten, and its memory will live on in the hearts of many.

Clinton tells Kentucky to throw its Y's in the air

COVINGTON, KY - A local Covington crowd enabled Hillary Clinton's quixotic campaign to continue during yesterday's Maifest rally.

Not only did Clinton tout her lead in popular votes among cherry-picked vote totals, but also her lead in states ending in the letter "Y' - an important metric, since no Democrat has won the presidency in the past 28 years without winning New Jersey and Kentucky.

"As goes states ending in the letter 'Y', so goes the nation," Clinton told the Covington crowd, "What is it about Senator Obama's inability to win states ending in the letter 'Y', great states like Kentucky and New Jersey."

"Kentucky will send a message to the superdelegates, who can overturn this whole thing," she said, "Not only do white voters support me, but so do 'Y' voters."

In response to Clinton's Covington rally, Barack Obama told reporters in Oregon, "Senator Clinton may be leading among states ending in the letter 'Y', but the numbers show that I'm leading on days ending in the letter 'Y'."

Meet Marc Ann

COLUMBUS - On Saturday, Ohio Democratic Party leaders nearly unanimously voted to strip the "D" from Marc Dann's last name - a move that is sure to distance the Democrats from the disgraced Ohio Attorney General, but could cause confusion as impeachment proceedings are being considered.

"Without that D in his name, Marc Dann will have absolutely nothing to do with the Democratic Party," said Governor Strickland. "We are also looking into changing his voter registration to Republican."

"He just doesn't deserve that 'D' in his last name", said party chairman Chris Redfern.

"I just hope he doesn't try to use a legal loophole to avoid impeachment," said Redfern, "After all, Marc Ann wasn't the one who had an affair."

In response to the change, Marc Ann engaged in a bit of sexual harrassment with the executive party committee, telling them, "Suck my D".

CINCINNATI - In first a sign of support and then a show of defiance, Congressman Steve Chabot voted for a resolution to support Mother's Day and then voted against it.

The house had just voted unanimously to support, H.R. 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day," when many  Republicans had a change of heart. 

Chabot explained that many of the mothers in this country such as 'yo mama are fat and/or ugly and could also be potential illegal aliens or terrorists.

In a sign House Republicans could care less about getting re-elected, Chabot used his time on the House floor to tell "yo mama" jokes. 

"Yo mama's so illegal," Chabot said to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "they can fit 10 of her in the back of a pickup truck."  

178 other Republicans agreed with him including Speaker of the House John Boehner and Congresswoman Jean Schmidt.

When asked how she herself felt as a mom, Schmidt replied "Yo mama's so ugly, Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her." 

John Boehner  went on record as needing to adjourn until such time as a clear American definition of mom could be worked out that would exclude 'yo illegal mama.

A Special Mother's Day Guest Editorial by
Caitlyn Grahan, college student

All feminists underappreciate and devalue motherhood.

Despite the fact that I'm a journalism major, I don't have any statistics to back up that sentiment.  Just trust me -  I said it, so it's true. 

I happen to really hate this one feminist who lives down the hall from me in the dorms.  She claims that some guy raped her, so she went out and got an abortion.  She obviously hates motherhood.

Another feminist in my dorm takes birth control pills.  Why does she want to avoid pregnancy?  Because feminists are repulsed by motherhood.   In addition to hating motherhood, feminists also hate sunshine, puppy dogs, and happy thoughts.

Birth control is one of those feminist plots to gain preferential treatment, like the equal rights amendment or the women's suffrage movement.  I know that the only sacred reason to have sexual intercourse is to make babies. That's why birth control is for sluts. 

If you have sex and take precautions to avoid getting pregnant, then you must be a slut.  Even if you prefer to pursue a career and you want to have sex, you're still a slut.  

The Pill?  Slut.  Condoms?  Slut.  Diaphragm? Slut.  Spermicidal Jelly?  Slut.  Withdrawal technique? Slut.

Feminists also deny the right of a woman to have as many children as she wants.   Sorry, but  I have no evidence of this - it just sounds good.

Feminists, by definition, can never be loving mothers (they're too busy being sluts).  I know this for a fact because none of the feminists in my dorm are mothers.   Neither of my feminist professors are mothers.  Therefore,  all feminists hate mothers. 

In conclusion, all feminists hate Mother's Day... take that, you sluts!

COLUMBUS - Attorney General Marc Dann agreed this week to be investigated for impeachment, but only if he gets to pick the special investigator. 

The media has praised his decision to appoint a woman since there would be no appearance of impropriety, although the woman he picked, documentary filmmaker Jenna Jamason, has raised some eyebrows.

Dann said he was most impressed with Jamason for her legal work in the documentary, "The People Versus Sally Suction".

"Jamason is very capable of handling these kind of issues, so I really look forward to this probe," said Dann.

Smoking may be costly these days, but nowhere near as bad as in Hamilton County.  Two cigarettes have cost Hamilton County a kool $42,000 in the past year. 

SAYLER PARK - The Hamilton County Department of Job and Family Services is investigating a Sayler Park green recycling bin for distributing empty liquor bottles and empty beer cans to minors.

The investigation was requested by Hamilton County Muncipal Court Judge Bernard Bouchard after he found photos of the harmful recyclables while browsing MySpace.  Judge Bouchard marked it as the first time in county history that underage teenagers have come in contact with alcohol paraphernalia.

"I was grateful when SkateQueen1992 added me as a friend," said Judge Bouchard, "But I was later horrified to discover that her household's green recycling bin might be a dangerous influence in both her and her sister's lives."

"This green bin ought to have known the devastating effects of combining beer and Jagermeister," continued Bouchard, "I realize these containers were empty, but what a horrible example to set for these girls."

 "Always remember,  vodka and beer, have no fear..  Beer and Jager, prepare to meet your maker," added Bouchard.

The green bin was unavailable for comment.