0 out of 3 ain't bad

The identity thief, a Presbyterian store clerk named Brett Pritchard, said his only motive was to defy the stereotypes that Amanda Mayes had promoted.

"I nabbed Amanda Mayes's social, not only for the profitability aspect," said Pritchard, "But to prove that you don't have to be a Jew to steal her black identity."

"And how sweet it feels to steal her identity," added Pritchard, "All of a sudden I'm out of the red, and into the black, and I owe it all to Nate Livingston."

Livingston is currently seeking a blogging service that respects his First Amendment right to publish Mayes's social security number, credit card number, PayPal password, and medical record history.

New developments have emerged in the aftermath of Senator Hillary Clinton's reference to the RFK assassination. The Dealer has obtained a copy of Hillary's personal long-term planning calendar that would seem to corroborate the Clinton campaign's assertion that she uses assassinations as timeline markers on her calendar. 

Purple People Bridge Climb, we hardly knew ye

CINCINNATI / N. KY -  May 23rd is the one year anniversary of the Purple People Bridge Climb's demise, and many locals are sharing their bittersweet memories of the Purple People Bridge Climb.

"The bridge climb was wonderful," said Hyde Park resident Mitch Applebee, "We got to dress up in L.A. Lakers jumpsuits, and learned how to climb really steep stairs.  What a rush, and all for the low price of $79.95."

 "The best part was the training," said Mount Adams resident Stephanie Smyth, "We learned how to use mountain climbing equipment on a railed catwalk. Thanks to the bridge climb, I will always have that knowledge.  I now use caribiners, rope, and a harness whenever I need to climb out on my fire escape."

"The view was spectacular," said Covington resident Lenny Sampson, "It was sort of like being on the Carew Tower Observation Deck, only 500 feet lower and 77 dollars more expensive.  How sad that it's been a year since it ended." 

Although the bridge climb mysteriously and tragically ended on May 23rd, 2007, it is not forgotten, and its memory will live on in the hearts of many.

The Dealer received a lot of mail in response to recent developments at Pulse, formerly known as Downtowner .  The following are our 3 favorite letters.

Dear Editor,

I loved the spoof of the P&G rap label (P&G to Take Over the Rap Game).   Props to Burt Safer for sending up A.G. Lafley as a gangster rapper.  Burt's rhymes are the tightest - a perfect 10!  Thanks for making my Wednesday morning.

All the best,
Burt Safer 

Dear Harold,

Please print more stories by Manny Milquetoast.  What an irreverent and whimsical story (Group asks Papa John's to dis Chad Johnson).  I loved it so much that I called up Papa John's today and demanded that they dis Chad Johnson... Hahahaha..  You aren't paying these guys enough!

Your friend for life,
Manny Milquetoast

Thanks again,
Ted Beverage  

Clinton tells Kentucky to throw its Y's in the air

COVINGTON, KY - A local Covington crowd enabled Hillary Clinton's quixotic campaign to continue during yesterday's Maifest rally.

Not only did Clinton tout her lead in popular votes among cherry-picked vote totals, but also her lead in states ending in the letter "Y' - an important metric, since no Democrat has won the presidency in the past 28 years without winning New Jersey and Kentucky.

"As goes states ending in the letter 'Y', so goes the nation," Clinton told the Covington crowd, "What is it about Senator Obama's inability to win states ending in the letter 'Y', great states like Kentucky and New Jersey."

"Kentucky will send a message to the superdelegates, who can overturn this whole thing," she said, "Not only do white voters support me, but so do 'Y' voters."

In response to Clinton's Covington rally, Barack Obama told reporters in Oregon, "Senator Clinton may be leading among states ending in the letter 'Y', but the numbers show that I'm leading on days ending in the letter 'Y'."

Dann investigates the lint on his suit

COLUMBUS -  After being pressured to appoint a special investigator who would investigate himself for impeachment proceedings,  Marc Dann decided there was only one investigator who was qualified to investigate himself: Marc Dann.

"He really is the most qualified to investigate Marc Dann, and really knows the most about this situation," said Dann, "I don't know of anyone who would be better for this impeachment investigation than Marc Dann, and that's why I appointed him."

Soon after making the historic self-appointment,  Dann discovered that there were big problems with how Marc Dann had conducted himself as Ohio Attorney General.  

 "After further review of Attorney General Dann, I have discovered that he sure messed things up," said Dann on Wednesday, "I have no further details to add, other than it would seem that Marc Dann should really make up with his wife, and I really really hope that she will find it in her heart to forgive him."

Marc Dann asked for Marc Dann's resignation, effective immediately, and recommended impeachment if Dann resisted. 

Putting up no resistance,  Marc Dann obliged Marc Dann's request, putting in his two weeks notice retroactive to two weeks ago.

Meet Marc Ann

COLUMBUS - On Saturday, Ohio Democratic Party leaders nearly unanimously voted to strip the "D" from Marc Dann's last name - a move that is sure to distance the Democrats from the disgraced Ohio Attorney General, but could cause confusion as impeachment proceedings are being considered.

"Without that D in his name, Marc Dann will have absolutely nothing to do with the Democratic Party," said Governor Strickland. "We are also looking into changing his voter registration to Republican."

"He just doesn't deserve that 'D' in his last name", said party chairman Chris Redfern.

"I just hope he doesn't try to use a legal loophole to avoid impeachment," said Redfern, "After all, Marc Ann wasn't the one who had an affair."

In response to the change, Marc Ann engaged in a bit of sexual harrassment with the executive party committee, telling them, "Suck my D".

CINCINNATI - In first a sign of support and then a show of defiance, Congressman Steve Chabot voted for a resolution to support Mother's Day and then voted against it.

The house had just voted unanimously to support, H.R. 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day," when many  Republicans had a change of heart. 

Chabot explained that many of the mothers in this country such as 'yo mama are fat and/or ugly and could also be potential illegal aliens or terrorists.

In a sign House Republicans could care less about getting re-elected, Chabot used his time on the House floor to tell "yo mama" jokes. 

"Yo mama's so illegal," Chabot said to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "they can fit 10 of her in the back of a pickup truck."  

178 other Republicans agreed with him including Speaker of the House John Boehner and Congresswoman Jean Schmidt.

When asked how she herself felt as a mom, Schmidt replied "Yo mama's so ugly, Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her." 

John Boehner  went on record as needing to adjourn until such time as a clear American definition of mom could be worked out that would exclude 'yo illegal mama.

A Special Mother's Day Guest Editorial by
Caitlyn Grahan, college student

All feminists underappreciate and devalue motherhood.

Despite the fact that I'm a journalism major, I don't have any statistics to back up that sentiment.  Just trust me -  I said it, so it's true. 

I happen to really hate this one feminist who lives down the hall from me in the dorms.  She claims that some guy raped her, so she went out and got an abortion.  She obviously hates motherhood.

Another feminist in my dorm takes birth control pills.  Why does she want to avoid pregnancy?  Because feminists are repulsed by motherhood.   In addition to hating motherhood, feminists also hate sunshine, puppy dogs, and happy thoughts.

Birth control is one of those feminist plots to gain preferential treatment, like the equal rights amendment or the women's suffrage movement.  I know that the only sacred reason to have sexual intercourse is to make babies. That's why birth control is for sluts. 

If you have sex and take precautions to avoid getting pregnant, then you must be a slut.  Even if you prefer to pursue a career and you want to have sex, you're still a slut.  

The Pill?  Slut.  Condoms?  Slut.  Diaphragm? Slut.  Spermicidal Jelly?  Slut.  Withdrawal technique? Slut.

Feminists also deny the right of a woman to have as many children as she wants.   Sorry, but  I have no evidence of this - it just sounds good.

Feminists, by definition, can never be loving mothers (they're too busy being sluts).  I know this for a fact because none of the feminists in my dorm are mothers.   Neither of my feminist professors are mothers.  Therefore,  all feminists hate mothers. 

In conclusion, all feminists hate Mother's Day... take that, you sluts!