Watch for a sign like this in front of   Burt Safer's house on Shady Grove Lane

COLUMBUS - The Ohio legislature voted today to do away with Ohio's antiquated payday loan industry, replacing it with obscure webzine writer and loan shark, Burt Safer of Cincinnati.

Legislators agreed that the payday loan industry's average APR of 391% was much too high, and that Mr. Safer's APR of only 365% was much more reasonable.  

For example, a debtor who takes out a $100 loan, and repays it over a 40 year period, could now save over $1000 using Safer's plan.  The savings from Safer's low DPR (Daily Percentage Rate) of only 1% per day really do add up.

Leaders of the Ohio House also agreed with Mr. Safer that the average 2-week term of a payday loan in Ohio is much too short.  Safer insisted that debtors could potentially underestimate the ramifications of high interest rate loans if the loans are restricted to a two-week time frame.

Under Mr. Safer's more transparent plan, loans would have a minimum term of three months,  assuming no helpful pre-payment penalties are incurred.  There would also be a low $5 dollar processing fee for every $50 that Mr. Safer has to pocket.   But that's not all -   Included in Mr. Safer's generous offer is a $20 wage garnishing surcharge.

"And with every loan, I am offering a free scratch-off lottery ticket," Safer told the Ohio Senate today.  Several State Senators immediately took out loans with Mr. Safer after hearing about the huge potential for savings.

The Cincinnati Zoo Train Boondoggle

CINCINNATI - City Councilman John Cranley voted against financing of the streetcar plan that passed this week. Council had rejected Cranley's plan to paint pictures of streetcars on buses, or "rubber tire trolleys" as Cranley likes to call them.

Council's new plan includes a route in Uptown, which prompted Cranley to grill fellow council members on the fact that Uptown already has a rail route for mass transit.

"The zoo train has been around for many years now," said Cranley on Wednesday, "And it still hasn't done anything to revitalize the zoo's inner core around the reptile house."

Cranley also mentioned that even the trains at the Cincinnati airport hadn't increased neighboring property values.

"The zoo train and the airport trains are only used by people who go to the zoo and the airport," said Cranley, "What about the rest of us?"   

"Cincinnati doesn't need to look to Portland for examples," he said, "We've already got mass transit rail routes around here, and look at how they've failed miserably."

2007-2008 Attendance Reasons     Religious:  31%     School:  22%     Irony:  17%     Sarcasm: 13%     Criticism:  9%     Dinosaurs:  7%     LSD:   1%

PETERSBURG, KY - School groups who are teaching fair and balanced theories (both the Creationist Theory and the Flying Saucerist Theory) on human origins aren't the only ones elevating the Creation Museum's first year attendance beyond projections. 

According to co-founder Mark Looey, 30% of museum visitors credited either irony or sarcasm factors as instrumental in their reasons for attending.

 "The irony appreciation attendees are known for their tendency to giggle or even roll around on the floor laughing," said Looey, "At first we thought they were having religious experiences." 

Looey also discussed how rising gas prices hadn't put a damper on museum attendance, but could affect future attendance. 

"When Jesus returns, I hope he will bring the dinosaurs back with him to help alleviate our rising oil costs," said Looey.

CINCINNATI - It has been a week since Pete Witte's last bad idea, and he is searching for new ones.

"In 2008, I'm on a roll," said Witte, "First, I sided with the housing agency in their refusal to transfer an abused woman, then I suggested that we run a streetcar line from Uptown to Bond Hill, and another streetcar from Westwood to Mount Washington."

"My latest idea of Section 8 housing at the Banks was a fantastically bad idea, but now I'm got the itch for another really bad idea."

Part of the benefit of Witte's bad ideas is that they get more attention than good ideas, especially supremely bad ideas like Witte has had this year.  Who knows, the next bad idea may even earn him a quotable on the Pete Witte ThinkExist quotables page.

CINCINNATI - Explaining that City Council wasn't "surreal enough" for him, Councilman Christopher Monzel proposed a paradox this week.

"All public trash cans ought to only have litter in them," said Monzel, "Anyone caught putting non-litter in a trash can would face a $100 fine under this ordinance. "

Monzel claims that his new paradox ordinance will remove the need for any  public services trash can collection within the city. 

"The cool thing about this paradox is that anyone using the public trash cans at all will be guilty of disposing non-litter," said Monzel, "After all, if you throw anything in a trash can, it is not litter, by definition."

"Of course, if you litter you also face a fine."

Monzel recommended that everyone just "hold on" to any trash until they get home. 

The jacket slung over the shoulder proves he's a serious candidate

MADEIRA - New Ohio 2nd Congressional District candidate David H. Krikorian started his run as an independent (Democrat) last week, but very little is known about the Madeira businessman.

Before he decided to run for Congress, Krikorian spent his days peddling caricatures of Vada Pinson and Rawly Eastwick.   His biggest claim to fame is vouching for a suspected assassin of Barack Obama, who was also peddling Obama caricatures.

"He was only trying to assassinate Barack Obama's nose, ears, and chin, using clever playing card caricatures,"  Krikorian had told Secret Service agents at the time.

Nevertheless, Krikorian's greatest accomplishment is not infecting AIDS victims with malaria.  Although Krikorian's candidacy gives the Cincinnati Beacon an opportunity to endorse someone in November, it will be all for naught, as Krikorian plans to donate all of his Election Day votes to Victoria Wulsin anyway.

"I've contributed to her campaigns at least four times, including her 2008 campaign, but my candidacy will be the biggest contribution of all," says Krikorian.

"Neither Victoria nor I can win alone, but I figure if I just donate my vote totals to her in November, she will have a chance."

A Skybus customer rebooks her travel arrangements

COLUMBUS - Whether by plane, train, or automobile, Skybus passengers are attempting to rebook their $10 flights with the competition.

Since Skybus has gone bankrupt, the airline is not required to rebook passenger flights with competitors. Not even a ticket with priority seating will help put a Skybus passenger in 1st class on a competing airline.

"I bought this expensive airplane ticket to Dallas on the Skybus for $10," said Jennifer Parks of Gahanna,  "And now I'm finding out that every airline charges a heck of a lot more.  Even Greyhound and Amtrak are charging more."

"Seems to me, they are just taking advantage of us because they know Skybus went bankrupt," Parks added.

Skybus executives were too busy revisiting an old Entrepreneurial Basics 101 textbook to answer reporters' questions. 

CINCINNATI - Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was let go this week after the Bengals did a random background check on him.

The Bengals organization runs a background check on all new employees, but they also perform random background checks on current employees.

"I know this is going to be a surprise for everyone," said Bengals president Mike Brown, "But the background check revealed that our beloved wide receiver isn't exactly a law-abiding citizen."

"In fact, he's been arrested many times, all underneath our noses," said Brown, "Who knew?"

The wide receiver said he disagreed with the decision to fire him all because of a background check.   Henry told reporters on Friday that he had just been starting to turn over a new leaf - the 17th leaf, in fact - and that the Bengals organization had been like a friend to him.

"And what's a little assault and criminal damaging among friends?" said Henry.