Gallatin residents discuss Larry Gross's latest column

CINCINNATI METRO AREA - The Census Bureau has revised the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area to include a few counties which have recently transformed from rural areas into urban jungles complete with Taco Bells and everything.

Cincinnati USA welcomed new Cincinnati Metro Area members Gallatin, Brecken, Grant, and Franklin Counties this week, starting by sending a welcome wagon crew to the 7870 new urban pioneers of Gallatin County.

"First I have to figure out where the heck these new counties are," Cincinnati USA spokesman Pete Petrinsky told reporters before the trek to Gallatin this week,   "So I know where to take the fruit basket."

Gallatin County's new urbanists were excited about being annexed into "The Nati", and several have already started joining in on Cincinnati streetcar debates in the Cincinnati blogosphere.   A few others plan to audition for parts at the Cincinnati Playhouse in the Park.  Some have even started wearing Converse All-Stars. 

COLUMBUS - On Tuesday, Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner said she is leaving the decision to criminally prosecute March 4th's crossover voters to the Attorney General. 

However, according to Brunner, the Democrat impersonators could also face up to 4 years of Democratic junk mail and 8 years of Democratic robocalls for their crimes .

"For the crime of fraud, these crossover voters will have to endure up to 8 years of special messages from John Kerry and Jerry Springer on their answering machines," said Brunner.

"There may be additional penalties incurred," Brunner added, "Including 4 years of campaign circulars and special invitations to fundraisers hosted by Bill Clinton."

"That is the price you pay when you commit voter fraud and falsely declare your allegiance to a party," continued Brunner, "I believe that ought to be punishment enough."

For crimes of voter fraud, Republican crossover voters could also face up to 6 years of MoveOn.org canvassers at their doorsteps.

Indiana Police Explain Their Hate-itude

 MILAN, IN -  The Oak Hills party in Milan last weekend started out as a surprisingly great time for all involved, with lots of under-age drinking and any-age pot smoking, but the party organizers made one significant error: They didn't invite anyone from Indiana.

This mistake caused nine Indiana law enforcement agencies to sip "Haterade" at Ohio's expense,  and led to the arrest of 70 Cincinnati youth.  Nobody from Indiana was arrested.

According to official reports, the player-hating had started with one complaint over improperly parked cars.  The crime of improperly parked cars did not justify 70 arrests as much as the crime of not inviting the Milan Police Department to the party.  Milan Police Officer Jeb Podunkia was the first one to take umbrage at not being invited.

"We wanted to make a statement to Cincinnati," said Officer Podunkia, "You just don't throw a party in Milan without inviting the Milan Police Department."

Rather than just stopping the party, the Milan Police invited 8 other law enforcement agencies to take time out of their busy schedules to help crash the party.  The Indiana State Police, Sunman Police Department, Osgood Police Department, Batesville Police Department, Versailles Police Department, Moores Hill Police Department, Ripley County Sheriff's Office, and Dearborn County Sheriff's Office all joined in on the hating.

CINCINNATI - Cincinnati journalists got all self-conscious and shit this week, about everything from saying "Happy Easter" to shopping at Ikea.

In today's Enquirer, Carolyn Pione wondered aloud about the supposed lack of Easter coverage in today's Enquirer, despite the Enquirer's own pointless "Easter coverage".   Did Pione really need to get all self-conscious about it, or was this editorial merely an attempt to increase the number of times "Easter" is mentioned in today's issue?

If, as she proposed, Pione wants to go further and start including "coverage" of her own religious beliefs, maybe Pione should start with less personal stuff like publishing news articles about her teeth-brushing techniques.

In this week's CityBeat, Joe Wessels bemoaned that people aren't shopping at Ikea, since he is feeling self-conscious about shopping at Ikea himself.  I would like to assuage Joe Wessels's insecurity about shopping at Ikea.   In fact, I recommend that he purchase a Mongstad mirror (pictured right) the next time he wants to get all reflective and crap.   (After all, it goes without saying that Ikea will need Wessels's business to stay afloat since he is apparently the only one who shops there.)

Wessels's feelings of self-consciousness continued as he extrapolated one woman's Facebook blog into a theory that everyone else in Cincinnati has the same streetcar agenda.  He was obviously feeling self-conscious and shit about having a different opinion from someone else.

I do agree with Wessels that all of the differing opinions in Cincinnati on everything from streetcars to Ikea do somehow constitute "groupthink".  (And although I love groupthink, it is just killing us)   And Cincinnati really needs someone like Joe Wessels to "think outside the box" for us.   Actually, I lied. 

I would say that readers might think my rant in that last paragraph wasn't an example of Joe Wessels being "self-conscious", but I don't want to get all self-conscious and shit too.

A rare snapshot of Planned Parenthood sans dead baby photos

 MOUNT AUBURN - Local abortion activists protested somewhere other than Planned Parenthood for a change this week, while City Hall prepared to limit the number of dead babies one individual can display, from 1000 down to a paltry 4 dead babies per activist.

This week, several community activists demanded that city council allow "as many dead baby photos as possible" to be displayed in front of the Planned Parenthood in Mount Auburn.

"How are only 4 dead babies going to change a pregnant woman's mind?" said activist Dale Randall, "Everyone knows you need hundreds of pictures of dead babies in order to make an informed decision about abortion."

"I know that these protesters are making some kind of statement about abortion," said local realtor Rebecca Mills, "But what does that have to do with photos of miscarriages and stillbirths?"

Protesters claim that the dead baby photos have already had quite a positive impact on the community.   For example, local homemaker Suzy Squinton's doctor had warned that her pregnancy was threatening her life, and would probably end in a stillbirth.  Squinton had resisted getting an abortion, until she saw over 600 dead baby photos displayed on Auburn Avenue.

"Just a few pictures of stillbirths and miscarriages probably wouldn't have been enough to convince me to abort," said Squinton,  "Thanks to the hundreds of dead baby photos that these nice men displayed, I decided that the right decision was to abort early rather than face a horrible stillbirth."

Many others await city council's decision, fearing the impact that less dead baby photos could have on the community. 

CINCINNATI - Last month, Cincinnati city councilman Jeff Berding pressured the state legislature to put a constitutional amendment (Article 15 Section 13) on the ballot that would allow casinos in Ohio counties that neighbor other states that allow casinos.

Berding says that a casino in Cincinnati could help alleviate the chronic depression of Cincinnati's blackjack-deprived, lapdance-deprived, indoor Marlboro-deprived, Roman Candle-deprived, adult bookstore-deprived, and decent multiplex-deprived populace.

However, the amendment may lose statewide support unless neighboring counties like Warren County can stay competitive with their own casinos.  In order to encourage these counties to support the amendment,  Berding is now pushing for an amendment to the original amendment (Section 13b) that would allow Warren County and other Ohio counties that neighbor Ohio counties, that neighbor Kentucky and Indiana counties to legalize casino gambling.

Unfortunately, amendment 13b would leave counties like Greene, Clark, and Fayette out in the cold - which is why Berding says he hopes the legislature will also put amendment 13c on the ballot, so that counties that are adjacent to counties that are adjacent to counties that are adjacent to Kentucky and Indiana counties can also stay competitive.

CINCINNATI - This week, Cincinnati gained notoriety among other cities, as having the only drug-free city water supply in the country.  All other cities tested positive because their residents were flushing prescription medications down the toilet.

Cincinnati passed the pharmaceutical drug test with flying colors, and only tested positive for caffeine, which was apparently flushed down the toilet during a local police cappuccino sting.

Water Works spokesman Rick Reynolds took some credit for the test results on Monday, while denying that he had spiked the water supply with Goldenseal.

Reynolds credited the Water Works's "pharmaceutical recirculation" program which helps residents who are burned out on a prescription medication to "share" their drugs with others, rather than flushing perfectly good drugs down the toilet.

 "Nobody in Cincinnati has flushed a single pill down the toilet since we started this pill sharing program, or we would've failed this drug test" claimed Reynolds.

Several Cincinnati residents expressed befuddlement at the news of other cities testing positive for drugs.

"Who in their right mind would flush a perfectly good bottle of Oxycontin, Vicodin, Percocet, Codeine, Lortab,  Xanax, Ritalin or Valium down the toilet?" said local resident Randall Jesse, "Don't tell me that other cities are doing that."

As a reward for passing the city water drug test, hundreds of thousands of area residents will be allowed to keep their jobs.

Sample our archives:

Who knows?  Katie in Northside (March 29, 2001) might still be looking for a roommate.  Call her at 470-8185 and find out

Are Amy and Dave at www.thebang.xs3.com still looking for a bad-ass guitar player?  (December 14, 2000)

Does Andy Baker still have any great deals on VHS tapes? Because he sure did back in 2002 (December 5th, 2002)

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