PETERSBURG, KY -  Ken Ham defended dinosaurs against racism this week, as the director of Kentucky's Creation Museum promoted his new book "Darwin's Plague - Evolution's Racism Against Dinosaurs".   According to Ham, the theory of evolution has caused the worldwide besmirching of the dinosaur, into a being "unworthy of coexisting with humans".

"At one time, humans did indeed enslave dinosaurs," concedes Ham, "We forced the triceratops to pull our wagons, and the brontosaurus harvested our food for us."

However, in 3873 B.C., Abel and Cain had a dispute over Abel's treatment of his velociraptor slave, so Cain killed Abel.   This action ended the enslavement of dinosaurs, since there were only 25 other people on the planet at the time.  Soon after Abel's death, humans and dinosaurs coexisted peacefully, without racism.

"The Bible says that God created Adam and Eve in His image as Caucasians," said Ham, "It was only later that He created Hispanics, Africans, Asians, Arabs, and of course, dinosaurs."

"If we are to believe that Darwinism is correct, then God in His infinite wisdom thought that the dinosaurs should be created first," he continued.

Ham claims that dinosaurs only died out because Noah didn't have enough space on his ark for the dinosaurs, and not because dinosaurs were "unfit".. 

"Racist Charles Darwin claimed that the dinosaurs came first, and were somehow unworthy of life," said Ham, "As if God makes mistakes."  

Last year, the year the Cincinnati Dealer reporters went on strike, I realized how our influence was missed (Actually they are still on strike - Burt and I are just scabs).

Just think - Had we released endorsements last November,  Justin Jeffre and Sam Malone might have won seats on city council.   I don't want to let a missed opportunity like that to happen again, do you?    In order to have a little influence over this November's election, we offer the Dealer (Scab) Primary Endorsements, for the Republicans and the Democrats...  

Republicans  

Court of Common Pleas

Pat DeWine
Kathy King

If you look at his website, it appears that Pat DeWine is running for County Commissioner.  I honestly can't tell why he's running for Judge if he's already a County Commissioner, but whatever.  It seems like Pat just likes running for stuff.  I really have no idea what he's up to nowadays, and I like that in a candidate.  

In our (my) opinion, King seems to be WAY too qualified for this position, over-qualified, even.  When my time comes to face a judge, I hope that judge has absolutely no idea what's going on.  King has judicial experience and her website actually relates to the current campaign. She also wastes her time filling out online forms.  King is like one of those teacher's pet types - she disgusts me.

Meanwhile, Pat cheated on his wife, has no judicial experience, and can't be bothered to update his website.  If and when the law ever catches up with me, I would definitely prefer to face DeWine in the courtroom.

Dealer endorses: Pat Dewine

CINCINNATI -Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals CEO Steve Warshak of Forest Park was convicted Friday on four counts of non-aggrandizement and three counts of conspiracy to not engorge members.

Warshak's company sold Enzyte as it's premier "nutraceutical", a word that Warshak totally made up.  Enzyte's ingredients consisted of dehydrated molasses and maple syrup, at a precise ratio which Warshak claims gave him the penis he has today.

Berkeley made Cincinnati the penis enlargement capital of the world, and some say, put the "Forest" back in Forest Park.  However, federal prosecutors claimed that they didn't see results of Enzyte's advertised gains in length and girth. 

Although he faces 20 years for failing to enlarge penises, Warshak contends that he is personally responsible for over 150 miles in national manhood expansion.

"I stand by every mile," Warshak told reporters, "If anyone purchased Enzyte and still didn't experience at least a 24% gain in penile cubic centimers, I'd like to see photographic proof." [keywords berkley premium nutriceuticals steven warshack stephen worshak enzite]

 CINCINNATI - City Council member John Cranley submitted a plan (Cranley's concept illustration shown above) Wednesday that he says will give the city the best of both worlds: a fleet of streetcars that run all over the city, but without any of the infrastructure issues or the multi-million dollar price tag. 

 "No need for a debate about a route to OTR or Uptown," said Cranley, "We can have rubber-tire streetcars running all over the city at a fraction of the cost.  All our Metros need is a fresh coat of paint."

 A representative from SORTA immediately told Council that Cranley's idea would deplete bus advertising dollars, and asked council for another 50 cent increase.   Council immediately voted to approve the fare hike, and then opted to research Cranley's proposal.

CINCINNATI - Campaign headquarters for Hamilton County Commissioner candidate Ed Rothenburg are abuzz this week as Rothenburg looks forward to March 4th - his first win after about 200 unsuccessful campaigns, including losing runs for city council, state representative, key grip, senator, dogcatcher and real estate agent of the year.

Never mind that it's just an unopposed primary "win",  and the Republican Party still won't endorse Rothenburg, and the campaign headquarters only consists of him and his wife Rita alone at home - there was definitely excitement in the air.

"Yeah, I am the champion," says Rothenburg, "Who cares that it's just a primary.  I feel like somebody, I feel like declaring my endorsement for President."

And to further mark his historic win, Rothenburg plans on starting 3 more spam blogs to add to his collection.

Rothenburg has already teamed up with local spam blogger Vintage Corvettes, and together they have started 4 spam blogs, "Ed Rothenburg",  "Ed Rothenburg, Candidate for Hamilton County Commissioner",   "Ed Rothenburg Candidate", and "Ed Rothenburg 2008".

"All you have to do is start enough of these websites they call blogs," says Rothenberg, "You can look forward to my 3 new blogs coming soon, 'Ed Rothenburg for Commissioner' , 'Ed Rothenburg - Commissioner Candidate', and 'Vote Rothenburg for Commissioner'."

"Once I take over the internet, I can easily crush Todd Portune in November."

CINCINNATI -  Kenwood Republican Jerry Sanderson is so torn between voting for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in the upcoming primary, that he is considering casting a Republican ballot on March 4th.

However, the combination of John McCain as the presumptive nominee on the Republican side, and a few boring county races doesn't give Sanderson much incentive to cast a Republican ballot either. 

"I really can't make up my mind between the two Democrats," says Sanderson, "I agree with the Ohio GOP that Hillary would be easier to defeat in the general election..  But what if I vote for her in the primary, and then she actually does win in November? I would never live that one down."

In an effort to keep Clinton out of the White House, Sanderson says that a vote for Obama is the safest bet.    But according to Sanderson, Obama has the least experience of them all, followed by Clinton and then McCain.

"What really gets me about Hillary is that she's this huge liberal who's been pretending to be a conservative for the last 8 years," says Sanderson.

"But then again, McCain has been pretending to be conservative for the last 4 years, so I guess Hillary does have more experience in that respect."

CINCINNATi - Political analysts took note this week, as a pimp on the national political scene became the pimped.

New York Pimptress Hillary Clinton, the Democratic candidate who pimped out her own daughter earlier this month, is being pimped by Cincinnati's own Mark "Mayor Skinny Kingpin" Mallory.

Mayor Mallory, in addition to being a super-pimp, is also a super-delegate at the Democratic Convention in August, so he is being courted by both campaigns for his endorsement. Although there is plenty of information available on both candidates, Mallory just can't seem to make up his mind.

"That's just how a true pimp plays it," says Mallory, "If I had already said I would support that ho, then I wouldn't be seeing any of this free food, free cash, or free publicity. If Gov Strickland had watched how the true player operates, maybe he would've thought first before supporting that ho."

Mallory's point is well taken.  Ever since Ohio Governor Strickland threw his support behind Hillary, he hasn't received any of the perks that Mallory has seen: free lunches, dinners, front page photos, and political contributions.

While Mallory takes his time making this tough decision, thousands of Cincinnatians will also await news of his endorsement, so they will know who to vote for.  However, indecisive Mallory might not even make his decision in time for the March 4th primary.

"I just may ride this out until the convention," said Mallory, "Then again, who knows? The question isn't what have you done, but ho, what have you done for me lately?"

CINCINNATI - Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis has given businessman Santa Claus of the North Pole a job during the off-season appraising foreclosed properties in Cincinnati.  

Leis knows Mr. Claus personally as a golfing buddy, but also as a longtime campaign contributor.  Some contend that Santa's contributions were instrumental in Sheriff Leis's string of unopposed election victories.

According to Leis, Claus was the one who first inspired him to get into law enforcement.

"Santa knows when you've been good or bad so be good for goodness sakes," claims Leis, "Those words inspired me to be just like Santa, and here I am."

Some critics say that Claus is not a qualified housing appraiser, and only received the lucrative job as a kickback for all the campaign contributions, bicycles, baseball mitts and GI Joe action figures he has bestowed on Leis over the years.

"Nobody is more qualified than Santa to appraise these foreclosures," answers Leis, "He may not have a license, but he does a full roof and chimney inspection, and finished 500 appraisals on his first day.  I'd like to see a licensed appraiser work that quickly."

Santa Claus declined to comment, hanging up the phone on this reporter.

CINCINNATI - The lead architecture firm for the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center was taken to task this week for the museum's low attendance. 

The building has been praised by some for its architecture, but has lately come under fire for its apparent lack of an entrance.  Many local Cincinnatians don't realize that there actually is an entrance to the museum.

"We had first thought that, in the tradition of the Underground Railroad, it would be neat to have a hidden entrance behind the building," said lead architect Ron Hastings.

Unfortunately, this hidden entrance was so well concealed behind a false wall on the far side of the building, that the museum has only counted a total attendance of 23 people since 2004.

"You mean that's a museum?" said downtown resident Jim Thigpen, "I thought it was a big outdoor sculpture or something. How the heck do you enter the thing?"

Freedom Center CEO Dan Murphy is seeking $1.4 million from the state for a visible entrance to the museum. 

"We are confident that once people can actually find the entrance to our museum, our attendance will skyrocket," said Murphy,  "After that,  we think everyone will overcome any lingering reluctance to get totally depressed at our exciting slavery exhibits." 

WESTSIDE - Republican State Representative Bob Mecklenborg proposed House Bill 477 this week, a bill plainly titled, "English is a good language".

The bill, if approved, will require all local and state government entities to verify that they are indeed using English, and that it is good. 

"I introduced this bill because I happen to believe English is good.. real good," said Mecklenborg, "I like English now, and I will still like it in 3 weeks when you see my name on the ballot in the primary."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, English is just fine with me," Mecklenborg added.

Although all state and local laws are already written in the King's English, proponents of the bill say it will keep Ohio's laws free from any possible contamination, such as accent marks and upside down exclamation points. 

Mecklenborg supporters immediately cheered the bill, mistakenly believing they would no longer have to select a language when using an ATM if the bill is passed.