CINCINNATI - The lead architecture firm for the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center was taken to task this week for the museum's low attendance. 

The building has been praised by some for its architecture, but has lately come under fire for its apparent lack of an entrance.  Many local Cincinnatians don't realize that there actually is an entrance to the museum.

"We had first thought that, in the tradition of the Underground Railroad, it would be neat to have a hidden entrance behind the building," said lead architect Ron Hastings.

Unfortunately, this hidden entrance was so well concealed behind a false wall on the far side of the building, that the museum has only counted a total attendance of 23 people since 2004.

"You mean that's a museum?" said downtown resident Jim Thigpen, "I thought it was a big outdoor sculpture or something. How the heck do you enter the thing?"

Freedom Center CEO Dan Murphy is seeking $1.4 million from the state for a visible entrance to the museum. 

"We are confident that once people can actually find the entrance to our museum, our attendance will skyrocket," said Murphy,  "After that,  we think everyone will overcome any lingering reluctance to get totally depressed at our exciting slavery exhibits." 

WESTSIDE - Republican State Representative Bob Mecklenborg proposed House Bill 477 this week, a bill plainly titled, "English is a good language".

The bill, if approved, will require all local and state government entities to verify that they are indeed using English, and that it is good. 

"I introduced this bill because I happen to believe English is good.. real good," said Mecklenborg, "I like English now, and I will still like it in 3 weeks when you see my name on the ballot in the primary."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, English is just fine with me," Mecklenborg added.

Although all state and local laws are already written in the King's English, proponents of the bill say it will keep Ohio's laws free from any possible contamination, such as accent marks and upside down exclamation points. 

Mecklenborg supporters immediately cheered the bill, mistakenly believing they would no longer have to select a language when using an ATM if the bill is passed.

Uncle Chuan

CINCINNATI -  The Museum Center's  "Bodies: The Exhibition"  was shocking on many levels for a local Chinese-American man.

Eric Nguyen, a 43-year-old accountant from Sharonville who emigrated from mainland China in 1988, says he recognizes his long-lost Uncle Chuan as one of the exhibits at "Bodies". 

"I can recognize his face.  No question about it, this is Uncle Chuan," Nguyen said of the plasticized corpse playing basketball.

 "And this is how I remember Uncle Chuan -  well-defined quadriceps, healthy heart, fractured femur,"  said Nguyen,  "What's really weird is I don't remember him ever playing basketball."

Nguyen insists he will try to claim his Uncle's remains. "I don't know, maybe I could put him on display in the living room." said Nguyen, "Or I might just, you know, bury him in the ground."