CINCINNATI - In early January, Council approved an additional 2 million in their budget, which they say will be paid in full by public urinators across Cincinnati, to the tune of a $120 fine per urination.

City Manager Dohoney's staff, currently researching ideal camera sites, has found which trees are most popular for public urinators. 

"One question remains, will urinators continue to pee on these trees once cameras are installed?" asked Dohoney, "Or will they prefer to pee on other trees nearby?"

Similar initiatives in other cities have led to an increase in zipper accidents. Once the public urinator realizes he is on camera, he will often zip up too quickly.

David Crowley says the initiative is money well spent.  "Although local urinators will be less likely to pee in front of these cameras," said Crowley, "We are counting on out-of-towners to mistake these cameras for bird feeders. We project that these urinating tourists will generate 2.5 million annually in ciy revenue."

A positive ID of each urinator will be made using the latest in genital recognition software.

OHIO 2ND -  Former County Commissioner Republican Phil Heimlich cut his run against Ohio 2nd District Representative Jean Schmidt on Wednesday, citing the insurmountable challenge of also opposing some guy named Nathan Bailey.

Heimlich was mostly deterred by Bailey's experience in a leadership role at Wendy's, and as a manager at UDF, plus his membership in the "International High IQ Society".   Bailey had already put his fast food experience to work for him,  asking "where's the beef" in Heimlich's platform,  while adding that "quality is my recipe".

 "I mean, seriously, who has a better chance of beating Schmidt," said Heimlich, "Me or a UDF manager with a high IQ?"

In response to Heimlich's premature departure from the race,  Schmidt had little to say, other than mysteriously remarking, "Cowards cut their runs, Marines never do."

CINCINNATI - Five years after voting to curb panhandling by requiring that panhandlers apply for a license to annoy others, Cincinnati City Council has taken an abrupt 180 degrees turn.  On Wednesday, they voted for a 50 percent increase in panhandling, licensed or not, with an increase in Metro fares from $1.00 to $1.50.

"Panhandlers want to panhandle so they can ride the Metro," said David Crowley, "And we're going to help them on both counts.  I don't know why, but John Cranley seems to think that panhandlers don't have a right to experience cutting-edge hybrid technology, first-hand."

Similar to the city, Cranley has changed his position 180 degrees, but in the opposite direction.

In calling for the increase, Metro Executive Director Michael Seltzer said they sorta wanted some hybrid buses to replace a few of their antiquated 2004 models. 

"This fare hike to fund six new environmental hybrids achieves some of Metro's loftiest goals:  less crowded earth-friendly buses and more available seats next to sexy hippie chicks." said Seltzer, "The increase in panhandling is just a nice side effect."

CINCINNATI USA - Recent freezing weather has local Cincinnati USA brandingizers all abuzz about a possible Winter Olympics bid in 2018.  An inch of snow Monday night elevated the excitement in the local Cincinnati USA Chamber quarters to a veritable din.

Although Cincinnati has failed historically in its International Olympics bids, "Cincinnati is the proud host of the Southwest Ohio Senior Olympics and has been since 1992," contends Cincinnati USA Chamber Vice Chair Wendy Northwill, "Take that, Geneva."

Britain / Cincinnati tensions have been noticeably strained ever since London won its bid for the 2012 summer games, closely edging Cincinnati despite amazing odds in Cincinnati's favor.

To drive up the Winter Olympics talk, Cincinnati USA has made some pointed changes to their branding strategy.   Despite the popularity of the first slogan, "All together surprising", Cincinnati USA has adopted a new slogan, "Ski The Seven Hills", and peppered its website with close-up shots of some of the fresh powder moguls at Perfect North Slopes and Cincinnati's more than ample Fountain Square skating rink.

"Re-branding Cincinnati as a skiing destination was instrumental to our campaign," says Northwill, "Still, we want people to remember that Cincinnati is also an awesome place to take the family out speed skating, curling, or for a nighttime bobsled ride."