CINCINNATI - As the Bengals sat down to celebrate Christmas today after their heartbreaking loss to Denver, we thought we'd take a look at the top 5 Bengals-related gifts being shared around the tri-state today.

 5. Chris Henry Oven Mitt Gloves - Bat even the softest thrown balls out of the air with these teflon-coated beauties. Comes with a hidden pocket for your stash. Guaranteed to fool drug-sniffing dogs.

4. 5-yard Illegal Motion Penalty - Give only to kids that need a little extra help to make the playoffs. Make sure the penalty wipes out a 75-yard touchdown pass. If not available, replace with an offside penalty that nullifies recovery of an onside kick.

3. Bengals "Ease-Arrest" Kit - Includes a concealed firearm, whiskey-scented breathalyzer spray, $1,700 in "off-the-truck" electronic goods, and directions to the nearest police checkpoint.  

2. Carson Palmer Cannon (With Randomizing Spray) - Sprays footballs all over the field. Picks inopportune moments to sail passes over intended receivers. You'll never know when an accurate pass is coming again. Available in 3 varieties: inconsistent, inaccurate, and look-the-f*ck out.

1. Extra Point - Somewhere, one lucky kid will receive the extra point the Bengals gave away in Denver. The extra point is rarely given away so if you receive this gift, cherish it as it is usually taken for granted. On the plus side, now you know who Brad St. Louis and Kyle Larson are.  

Have a very Bengals Christmas! And remember that buzzed driving IS drunk driving!

The NCAA incredulously declared a third 6-10 UC basketball player ineligible for at least a season last week, citing the addition of new Rule 15.2.3.3.  The rule officially states that "...no player who is 6-9 or taller shall play for the University of Cincinnati.  If such a player is recruited by Cincinnati, new rules shall be written to disqualify his eligibility," and its sub-clause Rule 15.2.3.3a, "Note that these rules shall not apply to any other school."

The rule was necessary to explain the preprosterous events of the last year.  First, 6-10 freshman Abdul Herrera was declared ineligible for a year last season just for finishing all his high school requirements.  Herrera left the team permanently at the start of this season for personal reasons.  Precursing the creation of Rule 15.2.3.3a, Randolph Morris of UK was allowed to play even though he contacted an NBA agent and was paid $7000 for tryouts.

Then, the NCAA ruled 6-10 Hernol Hall permanently ineligible for playing in 15 pro games overseas.  The rule (14.2.3.5) was designed to prevent professional ringers from overseas playing in college.  Clearly, Hall's 15-game pro career was intended to acquire an unfair advantage over US college players.

Finally, the NCAA declared 6-10 Adam Hrycaniuk out for one season because he did not get paid for playing in 39 games in Poland.  Hyrcaniuk, who has been aspiring to play college basketball for years, asked everyone he could think to ask if he was breaking any rules and was assured at each step that he was not.  He clearly should have consulted Rule 12.2.3.3 while in Poland.

Sub-clause15.2.3.3b, or the "Ron Allen" rule was also instated last week, which makes an exception to Rule 15.2.3.3, stating: "Players 6-9 or taller may play for Cincinnati if that player is slower than a 6-year-old girl and only shoots 3-pointers."

Inside

Police Really, Really Serious About Drunk Driving
Nobody Aware Of That One Bridge Next To Purple Bridge

Police Really, Really Serious About Drunk Driving

Police are really, really, like, really serious about drunken driving this time.  No, really.  In a news conference, various area law-enforcment agencies along with Ohio state troopers announced that for a few years, they weren't, you know, all that serious about drunk driving, and only handled them if they were bored, but that this year, they're totally all over the problem.

Nobody Aware Of That One Bridge Next To Purple Bridge

Mark Mann, 39, of Blue Ash sat in his Chevrolet Corsica just barely on the I-471bridge into Kentucky.  He was in the middle of a long line of cars exiting to Rt. 8 to hit the bars around Newport on the Levee.  When asked if he had considered taking the Taylor-Southgate bridge, he replied,

"The what bridge?  Oh, you mean that one next to the purple bridge?  I didn't think that was a real bridge.  I just thought it was for, like, trains or something."

Another driver behind him was asked the same question.  "Yeah, I know about that bridge," said Clem Haskins of Roselawn.  "But I don't like driving around downtown.  Ever.   I try to stay on the freeway from my doorstep to my destination.   Really efficient that way."

CINCINNATI - Tuesday night, at his annual Christmas party at Music Hall, Carl Lindner was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Drunk.

Brother to the Ghost of Christmas Present, the lesser-known Ghost of Christmas Drunk symbolizes hedonism. Rumor has it that the ghost was sent to visit Mr. Lindner to puncture his unfailing belief in the mythical Christian work ethic.

The Music Hall staff tried to deny the ghost entrance for lacking an invitation. However, the ghost slipped in through a back entrance when drunken entertainers let him in.

Mr. Lindner was just beginning to bore the crowd with 40-year-old "how I got my start in the ice cream business" anecdotes when the ghost entered and shrieked, "Families can't compete with corporate Good Humor!"

The inebriated ghost then hastened Mr. Lindner offstage on a spiritual journey.

Two hours later, the ghost returned to the banquet hall after allegedly failing to turn Lindner on the path towards redemption. There, Christmas Drunk downed a plateful of shrimp and soaked up the free alcohol like a Bounty paper towel.

After numerous glasses of box wine, Christmas Drunk moved to the dance floor where a Neil Diamond impersonator sang and people were more receptive to his intoxicating message. 

CINCINNATI -  Cincinnatians everywhere are making preparations this week for the statewide smoking ban that takes effect this Friday. 

Citywide sales of Kodiak, Red Man, and Skoal smokeless tobacco have skyrocketed in preparation for the ban, and local media has stepped in to help citizens fill the nicotine void.  Local 9 News did a feature story, "The Ins and Outs of Snuff: What is it and how can it help you?",  while The Enquirer had a human interest story Monday on "Chaw Etiquette".

One anonymous bar owner was found investing in cheap patio furniture and tiki torches for a "patio" that was once a humble back-alley vomitorium.

Local businesses without patio space are providing safe alternatives to cigarettes. Norwood bowling alley Stones Lanes will sponsor an "Oral Fixation Tournament" with free lollipops and tootsie rolls to all participants, while Northside pub The Comet plans to give out a free nicotine patch with every burrito sold.