Rep. Jean Schmidt, Cincinnati's biggest PR nightmare since Marge Schott called Eric Davis her "Million-Dollar Nigger," was endorsed by the Enquirer for shits and giggles on Sunday. 

After reviewing the litany of foot-in-mouth, plagiaristic, and hypocritical schenanigans that the junior senator has managed to squeeze into her relatively short, 2-year tenure, Enquirer's editorial board explains that she is "simply a better legislator than [Victoria] Wulsin", an advantage that every law-making incumbent has had over their challenger since the beginning of time.   

What can Wulsin do to win the Enquirer's coveted endorsement? Head a national public health agency.  That's right, it's going to take alot more than an experienced, successful medical professional to dethrone the biggest embarassment since Pete Rose pedaled his confession-signed baseballs on eBay.

In the end, the Enquirer sheepishly admits that Schmidt needs to "keep doing her homework and cut out the sloganeering nonsense" and "should develop a more sophisticated approach on international policy," but selects her as best woman for the job because she "will better reflect and serve the people of the 2nd District." 

Jorge Barnes, a 2nd district resident, responded:  "The Hell?" and then began looking for houses in a nuclear-waste-free district.

In its next editorial, The Enquirer is expected to endorse incumbent Mike DeWine for Ohio Senator because challenger "Sherrod Brown" rhymes with "Let us down."

N. KENTUCKY - The Creation Museum, brainchild of Reverend Ken Ham (with help from God), is $2 milion over its initially projected budget.

We caught up with a worried looking God outside his home in Cheviot.

"I should have planned better," said God. "The Dragon Hall Bookstore alone cost over $500,000." 

Other items sending the Museum over budget included the Chaos Cafe, with 5 deep fat fryers and a slurpee machine, and the hyper-realistic dragon heads, designed to scare the incarnate devil out of children.

God is hopeful that the advent of hundreds of thousands of visitors will offset these additional costs. The museum, about 30 miles from Cincinnati, may prove to be a popular destination for many who are convinced that man, dinosaurs, and twinkling pixies were all carried to safety aboard a 200-foot ark.  

"Americans just aren't gullible enough to believe that they came from a fish," said John Morris, President of the Institute for Creation Research.  

God and the Reverend Ham just hope that Cincinnatians are gullible enough to believe they came from a hypothetical supreme being made entirely out of marshmallow.  

CINCINNATI - The latest super hero to grace Cincinnati with his presence is "Meter Man", here in honor of the "meter-feeding granny" who was arrested in 1996 for feeding someone else's meter.  Meter Man appeared at City Hall Tuesday to urge that City Council declare every October 24th as "Random Acts of Kindness Day", a day when all local parking meters are free of charge.

Local FOX-TV affiliate WXIX showed the Meter Man feeding nickels into expired meters all over Downtown Cincinnati. He later admitted to reporters that he had been unaware of the new "10 minute button" feature, a button that could lead to a prison sentence of 6-8 months if pressed by the wrong person.

City Council was so moved by Meter Man's plea, that they have gone further, and budgeted every Sunday as "Random Acts of Kindness Day".  On Sundays, parking meters throughout Cincinnati will now be free of charge, in honor of the meter-feeding granny.

"We were so inspired by the Meter Man's proposal of a bumper sticker theme day, that we decided to continue it for the rest of the week," said council member Chris Bortz,  "In Cincinnati, Monday is now 'Think Globally Act Locally Day',  Tuesday is 'Support Our Troops Day',  Wednesday is 'Skateboarding Is Not A Crime Day', Thursday is 'Kill Your Television Day',  Friday is 'Visualize World Peace Day', and Saturday is 'Don't Let The Car Fool You, My Treasure Is In Heaven Day'."

MASON - Mason school board member Jennifer Miller put on her best Christian behavior Wednesday night.  Miller took issue with the superintendent's decision to provide some Muslim students with a room away from the cafeteria, since they were fasting.  Board meeting observer Shirley Jenkins described her behavior.  

"Actually, I couldn't tell if she was mad that they were given a room, or if she was mad that they might pray in that room.  Of course, they didn't even use the room - they went to the library during lunch instead.  But by then Miller began calling everyone in the room a liar, questioned the superintendent's morals and ethics, and questioned the very presence of a board member who may or may not have been appointed rather than elected.  At that point, everyone pretty much got tired of her voice and got up and left."

Miller, who has advocated prayer in public schools and Bible-based instruction, clarified her comments after the meeting

"Let me be perfectly clear.  It's not that I think Muslim students shouldn't have a  prayer room. It's that I think Muslim students shouldn't have a prayer room, a fasting room, or any other rooms.  In fact, they shouldn't be in public schools.  We should really create special, all-Muslim schools that are separate, but equal."

Miller then put her Crucifix-shaped dagger back in her purse and walked off.

COVINGTON - Principal Robin Shuttleworth surprised parents and the community with her unique approach to promoting drug awareness at Holmes Alternative School. To support Red Ribbon Week, "goodie bags" filled with narcotic samples and drug paraphernalia will be distributed to roughly 40 students in grades 7-12.

Helping expose students to the wonders of drugs, Shuttleworth announced that the week's activities would include dropping acid and critiquing YouTube.com shorts while finger painting, designing drug paraphernalia models in software programs and holding a 72-hour "speed" woodshop marathon.

"We feel that until students have tripped balls, they just won't really know good drugs," said Shuttleworth. "We want our kids to make savvy drug choices." She then giggled and added, "Plus, it's really funny to see kids get stoned." Shuttleworth declined further comment, stating that she "really needed some brownies."

Some critics say this week’s activities are risky because earlier in the year Health teacher John Hankey allegedly held a private after-school study session to introduce the soccer teams to Ecstasy, which led to heavy petting.

"Ecstasy doesn't  always lead to sex," said Hankey. Though he then admitted he couldn't think of a single time he hadn’t, in his words, “fucked,” while on the drug.

10th grade soccer player Sarah Lippman affirmed Hankey's remark. "My skin is breathing. I feel... I feel... tangerine. Touch me!

COLUMBUS - Ken Blackwell spoke with the Dealer about recent comments from President Bush and Nikki Giovanni.

Dealer: In his recent book State of Denial, Bob Woodward quotes President Bush calling you a "nut." Are you a nut?

Blackwell: I'm like a dog in heat, a freak without warning. I have an appetite for sex cuz me so horny. You tell that to Mister Big-eared Honky Monkey.

Dealer: What about Nikki Giovanni's comments at the Fountain Square dedication? She said that you are a "political whore jumping from bed to bed to see who will stroke your knee."

Blackwell: She can stroke my knee any day.

Dealer: Mr. Blackwell

Blackwell:  There once was a poet named Nikki who couldn't keep her mouth off my dickie. I dipped it in spice, she said isn't that nice, and now Blackie is sportin' a thickie. Now who's the poet?

Dealer: So you're not a political whore?  

Blackwell: Bitch you don't know, you ain't heard. Fuckin' with me you're gonna get served. We all gotta price baby. From Nikki G. to Kenny B. Some of us just take more than Lincolns in back-alley parking lots.

Dealer: She also mentioned that she wasn't a "son of a bitch" like you.

Blackwell: Sticks and stones. Ass and clit. You know how I like that freaky shit. Yeah pop that high-brow coochie on over here baby girl.

Dealer: Thank you, Mr. Blackwell.