CINCINNATI - Pete Rose announced that he will begin selling a limited series of 4,256 blowjobs in order to atone for betting on baseball.

The announcement is part of a promotional blitz and comes days after a series of autographed "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" souvenir balls went on sale on his website for $299.

The "hummers" start at $35 for the "Charlie Hustle" and run as high as $200 for the "Switch Hitter."

If you are a reporter with a Hall of Fame ballot or the current commissioner of Major League Baseball, you are eligible for a free "Big Red Machine."

Critics argue that this is nothing but opportunism, but Rose feels differently.

"C'mon," Rose said, "Would I be giving blowjobs if I wasn't really really sorry I bet on baseball?"

The "Hits King" just keeps 'em coming.  

2ND DISTRICT - Jean Schmidt evidently never learned that plagiarism was bad.  Maybe she should have finished that degree.  In stunning news last night, it was revealed that an editorial "written" by Schmidt for the Community Press on Sept 13, 2006, read awfully like an editorial Congresswoman Deborah Pryce published on her U.S. House website earlier on July 10, 2006.  It was so awfully similar that... well, they're identical.  The plagiarism was as blatant as Schmidt is short.

After numerous calls to her office for comment were unsuccessful, a press release was thrown quickly out of the door to her campaign headquarters before the door was shut again. 

It read:  "While Congresswoman Pryce's and Congresswoman Schmidt's columns were very similar, this was not a case of plagiarism.  Using the same words, in the same sequence, and in the same quantity does not necessarily imply plagiarism.  Also, note that in the first paragraph, Ms. Pryce uses the word 'Congress', while Ms. Schmidt uses the word 'Republicans'.  I think the evidence speaks for itself."

Congressional gadfly Nate Noy was contacted for a comment via phone.  Through cackling laughter, Noy guffawed, "Ain't no hidden shadow and sweatpants gonna save her this time!"

OVER-THE-RHINE - Though the popular Main St. gallery hop in Over-The-Rhine has endured for two decades, Oakley didn't seem to mind starting its own Final Friday this summer, with the same name, and much the same idea, only instead of galleries patrons can walk amongst overpriced furniture stores.

Recently, other neighborhoods have taken notice as numerous other Final Friday's have surfaced.  There is now a Final Friday Northside (a tour of hipster bars), a Final Friday Clifton (strange clothing stores that nobody ever seems to buy from), a Final Friday Hyde Park (more Asian fusion restaurants than you can count), and a Final Friday Newport, which occurs on the last Saturday of the month.  And Covington announced yesterday that it would be moving its popular First Friday gallery hop to the last Friday of the month as well.

Over-The-Rhine groups have expressed frustration over the newcomers.  "We had it first!" exclaimed gallery owner Liza Doolittle.  "We're considering changing the event name to Finalest Friday.  Let them trump that!"