CINCINNATI - Congresswoman Jean Schmidt set a new world record in the marathon this week with a time of twenty-three minutes.

She broke Paula Radcliffe's old mark of 2:15:25 by over an hour and forty-five minutes and took more than an hour and a half off the current men's pace.

Officials used pictures from Schmidt's website to determine her world-record time of 00:23:00. 

The record was the first for the 13th-annual Schmidtville Marathon of Southwestern Ohio. Thousands of Schmidt-izens were on hand for the event.

"She was so fast," Tanya Lake of Batavia said, "no one saw her finish." 

Nathan Noy, an independent challenger in the 2nd district, filed a grievance about the Schmidt results.

"I think her under a mile-a-minute pace speaks for itself," Noy said.

A spokesman for the Schmidt campaign suggested Noy grow some cahunas and cut-and-run his own marathon.

CINCINNATI - Authorities are investigating the arrest of an unarmed deer that was repeatedly beaten and kicked after having been tranquilized by police at the Terrace Hotel.

The incident has sparked comparisons with the 1991 Rodney King beating.

The arrest, captured Wednesday by Dealer staff photographers, showed an officer kicking the suspected buck 11 times with his boot after it appeared the deer had surrendered.

Before police arrived on the scene and pummeled him into submission, the deer had reportedly been trying to break into the downtown hotel.

"There is no denying that it looks very bad from what is seen in the pictures," Police Chief Thomas Streicher said. "But I'm sure our internal investigation will find nothing wrong."

The National Association of Even-Toed Ungulates (NAETU) issued a statement declaring this an act of bigotry and calling for a boycott of local parks.

Several animals including a Rocky Mountain goat and all of the elk walked out of the Cincinnati Zoo today in protest.

Mayor Mark Mallory moved quickly to defuse any potential situation.

"We do not discriminate," Mayor Mallory said, "every buck is deer to us."

WASHINGTON - The shortest woman in Congress just bought one of the largest cars.  U.S. Rep. Jean Schmidt is the owner of a new 2007 Chevy Tahoe that runs on an 85/15 blend of ethanol and gasoline.

Reporters, initially dumbfounded by any statement that involved saving fuel and buying Tahoes, were later subdued when Schmidt more fully explained her position.

"See, I didn't buy this to save money or to save the environment.  I bought it to fight terrorism.  Cowards buy gas, marines and, uh, congresswomen do not.   I'm not concerned with saving money because, well frankly, have you seen my house?"

When asked about environmental benefits, she replied, "The environment?  Let's stick to real problems here people.  Honestly, I'd line our shores and borders with a wall of baby seals if it would keep those terrorists out."

Schmidt joins the ranks of semi-retarded motorists profiled by the Dealer in an earlier series.

"The terrorists won't know what hit em!" she yelled as she climbed up a step-ladder into her new car and drove off.