SOMEWHERE MAGICAL - Forbes magazine's annual Best Cities For Singles list is out, and Cincinnati, though ranked #26 overall, received a #1 ranking in the Nightlife subcategory.

"Wow.   All I can say is 'wow'.  You can quote me on that," said 28-year-old Chris McHenry of Mt. Lookout. 

"I love Cincinnati as much as the next gal, " commented Haley Barnes of Northside, "but what I wanna know is which intern got blown to put up that top number."

The methodology for the rankings was not fully explained but did include sources such as the U.S. Census, Richard Florida of Catalytix, the UCLA School of Law, dice, coin flips, and round-robin turtle races.

In 2004, Cincinnati ranked second to last at #39 on the list.  It ranked #30 in 2005, and improved once again in 2006 to #26.  Strikingly, the Cincinnati Dealer launched in December of 2004, mirroring Cincinnati's steady rise as a singles mecca.  Coincidence?

CINCINNATINGTON  - Local entrepreneur Nick Spencer has announced the folding of his Over-The-Rhine nightclub, alchemize, and with that, Spencer is using the occasion to unveil his new nightclub, club Gold.  The new venture will be even more groundbreaking and successful, says Spencer, especially due to the large capital "G" letter he plans to invest his savings in.

 "You know, I always regretted cutting costs with the lower-case 'a' in alchemize, and I think the bar suffered as a result," Spencer told reporters, "After the lower-cased lava closed, and business slowed down at alchemize, I saw the writing on the wall," adding "Or maybe that was graffiti. Regardless, I realized that no lower case letter in the alphabet has the pull of, say, a capital G."

The golden theme of "alchemize", which Nick says was originally also a sly nod to personal hero Rumpelstiltskin, has now come to full fruition with the new "Gold" club.  Spencer, a Renaissance festival devotee, often excitedly explains the ancient art of alchemy, (the art of "alchemizing" common household objects like baking soda into gold).  "club Gold," says Spencer, "was the natural result". 

Spencer's devotion to Renaissance-style themes is so single-minded, that it is no mistake he named last month's music festival after the tragic Renaissance character, Desdemona. 

club Gold will also feature a Renaissance-style theme.  The dress code will be capes and robes, with shield and sword accessories.  Spencer said the men must wear robes and tights, and leave the sneakers, jeans, and ball caps at home.

 Spencer also used the occasion to express his enthusiasm for Covington officials.  Answering critics who claimed he was abandoning Cincinnati, Nick Spencer wrote in a blog to his readers, 

"I don't think some of you 'C' the big picture. The number of votes I got in the city council election in Cincinnati would elect me in Covington.  I think we all agree that alchemize was something special but this club Gold with a capital 'G' is going to be huge."

Spencer denied that he was trying to enter the cities of Cincinnati and Covington into a bidding war, although he did repeat that he would need all the assistance he could get to help pay for that big shiny golden 'G' on the sign outside. 

NEWPORT - A local Starbucks employee tried to turn the Newport Starbucks "red" Wednesday night when he kicked out a group of Democrats who had gathered to listen to Campbell County Democratic Party Chairman Ken Mullikin.

Grant Pilswigger used a liberal interpretation of the Starbucks employee policy to boot the surprised Dems.

"Starbucks coffee is decidedly pro-freedom and anti-terror," Pilswigger said, citing a line in the policy that states that Starbucks is "apolitical".

A customer in the store at the time observed that Pilswigger seemed "drunk with power" and suggested that he might have gotten carried away with his role as assistant manager.

The Democrats agreed they would seek their coffee elsewhere.

"I'm going to miss the mocha cappuccinos," Bill Sacks said. But Sacks said that without more checks and balances at the Starbucks, employees seemed capable of any interpretation of company policy.

A spokeswoman for Starbucks said that Starbucks encourages its' employees who have become obsessed with their roles to switch to decaf.

CINCINNATI - Last week, citizens voiced complaints about Councilmember Leslie Ghiz's tenacious texting during city council meetings. When pressed for copies of these messages under public records requests, Ghiz balked claiming that they were private records. Nonetheless, The Dealer's crack wireless hacking team has recently obtained a transcript of these electronic messages from a recent council meeting. Here in their unadulterated form are those private text messages. 

JC4HOR: when i get 2 congress u can b my policy womon, or do u want 2 do media?

LES: im going 2 k st so i can visit yr office and rock yr vote and get paid

JC4HOR: get it girl

LES: im so bored. ru voting 4 dohony?

JC4HOR: dunno, u?

LES: no way hes not as cute as david r

C4HOR: i know what u mean

LES: omg i almost missed that vote lol

JC4HOR: i just say yes when mm calls my name

LES: hey lady the 60s called they want there dress back. she must of got thst at goodwill. we dont need more cops we need some fashion police

JC4HOR: ill update my crime plan haha

LES: lmao!!!

JC4HOR: wanna get dinner at jeff rubys then go 2 my place? i have red hook in the fridge + glen beck on dvr

LES: u know it cya l8r g8r! -ill bring the honey and lemons