CINCINNATI - As the NFL offseason draws to a close, the Bengals achieved another victory: The Rozelle Award, given to the league's best public relations staff. The award came after a savage battle between the Bengals and the Steelers to get more newspaper ink.

"It was neck and neck," said Harold Timm, chairman of the Professional Football Writers of America (PFWA). "When Ben Roethlisberger planted his dumb, helmetless, motorcycle-riding face into a car, it turned into a great race. When first-round Steelers draft pick Santonio Holmes was arrested for domestic violence, we thought the Steelers locked it. But from nowhere came Frostee Rucker."

"The rookies stepped up, but this award belongs to Chris Henry," said Jack Brennan, Bengals PR director. "From wearing his own jersey while getting arrested for handgun charges to being warned by a judge to stay away from minors and alcohol, Chris has been the league PR MVP."

"Our goal was ink," said assistant director P.J. Combs. "We were proud to see the streets of this city run black with the oceans of blood we helped spill. I mean ink, not blood."

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, keeping his stance of recent months, said nothing to the gathered fans about his tremendous, award-winning draft picks. Nothing at all.

CINCINNATI - Bengals' 2nd-year (maybe) WR Chris Henry found himself in court for the fourth time in the last six months.  In the last six months, Henry has been arrested in Covington for hiding marijuana in his shoe, arrested in Florida for brandishing a gun and then throwing it in the back of a limo, arrested in Clermont County for driving under the influence, and most recently arrested in Kenton County for providing alcohol to minors in a hotel room.

During a press conference, head coach Marvin Lewis did not have much to say.  Instead he simply stared at reporters with that cold, unblinking stare of his, burning holes in the back of the room with his eyes.

Henry is still not medically cleared to play after injuring his knee at the end of last season.  According to the NFL player's union contract, an injured player cannot be released.  Henry is expected to clear in 2-3 weeks.  Coincidentally, that's also about the same time Marvin's foot is expected get stuck in Henry's ass as he boot's his butt off the team.

CINCINNATI - In 1999, plans were unveiled for a 51-acre riverfront park running along the water under the Roebling Suspension Bridge.  Work was scheduled to begin in 2003 and to complete in 2005 or 2006.  

Back then, locals who knew better urged each other "not to hold your breath."  Unfortunately, downtown resident Tom Hollis did not heed that advice.  Hollis passed away last week after holding his breath for more than six years.

"Tom was so excited about the park," said neighbor Jim Thorpe.  "At some point in 2000, he started holding his breath.  He figured he could hold out until 2006.  I'm surprised he made it as long as he did."

The city recently unveiled the latest plans for the park along with a schedule that called for groundbreaking as early as August 2007 and completion in 2010.  The announcement came amidst inexplicable excitement.

Thorpe has taken a more realistic approach.  "With any luck, my great-granchildren will be able to play on the river in that park."