No alcoholic beverages... with one tiny exception.

Please do not feed or tease the giant beer bottle.

Pick an incorrect spelling of "Y'all" and stick with it, Pit to Plate. "Yull all?"

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RIVERFRONT - Last week, Mayor Mark Mallory appointed the final member to the five-member Banks Working Group.  Or so he thought.  Tim Riordan, former city administrator and old white guy, joined four other old white guys in the group.  

Facing criticism from a bunch of reverends over the final choice , Mallory announced this week the appointment of a sixth member,  Token Black.  Mr. Black, originally of South Park, CO, has worked in entertainment his whole life, has no developer background, and is in the fourth grade.  Despite these facts, Mr. Black meets all requirements for this sixth position.

Critics were happy but commented that the work was not yet done.  With only a few more additions, the Working Group could resemble the strikingly precise diversity ratios present in Old Navy ads.

The Judge so conservative that Steve Fritsch once interviewed him

Area purse snatchers can now do 60 more years than their protégés in Junior High who bully, threaten, and steal lunch money from the weakest kids on the playground.   On Friday, other area teenaged purse snatchers said they have heeded Ruehlman's warning, and reported moving on to less sociopathic pursuits, like identity theft and mobile meth labs.

Responding to criticism with King Solomon-like wisdom, Ruehlman said, "Of course the sentence is longer than many murderers and rapists do.  But I wanted these youngsters to walk a mile in their fragile victims' shoes.  That's why I decided they wouldn't walk until they're total geezers."

County Commissioner Phil Heimlich may have an alternative solution, so that Cincinnati's young purse snatchers won't rot in jail.   Heimlich is working with the Character Training Institute to develop a rehabilitation program, inspired by Anthony Burgess's novel, A Clockwork Orange, which could remove a purse snatcher's desire for any further petty theft crimes against humanity.

The main treatment method involves strapping down the anti-geratric subject in a chair with his eyelids forced open and having him watch old people favorites like "On Golden Pond", "Cocoon", "Something's Gotta Give", and "Driving Miss Daisy" for 48 hours straight.

COLUMBUS - With oil prices nearing record highs, the state of Ohio recently introduced a new law to combat theft at the pump.

New stickers announced the law on pumps across the state. Now when you suck gas from one of the pumps, the state of Ohio will perform coitus on a state trooper.  

Reaction to the gas theft law was mixed.

"I'm not sure how the state having sex with troopers is going to solve anything ," said Heather Thomas of Ft. Wright.

Others had a different reaction.

"Let the punishment fit the crime," John Thacker of Symmes Township said. He then added that it seemed only fair as "troopers have been forcing the public to perform fellatio for years."

HEYYYYYYYYYY DUDES!!!!!

THIS ONE DUDE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT WEED BEING EXTRA ILLEGAL IN THIS CITY. THATS TOTAL BULLSHIT MAN.   WHOEVER VOTED FOR THAT SHIT NEEDS TO GO BLAZE A BOWL. CHICKS CAN WALK AROUND TOPLESS IN COLUMBUS BUT WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EVEN SMOKE WEED DOWN HERE?????? YOU KNOW DUDE..   I GUESS JAIL MIGHT NOT BE THAT BAD.   MAN IF I WENT TO JAIL THINK OF ALL THE DRUG DEALERS I WOULD CHILL WITH..   HUNDREDS OF WEED CONNECTIONS FOR LIFE DUDE!!!

1. NO VEGAN RECIPE THIS TIME (SORRY DUDE!) SOME DUDE TOLD ME THAT A VEGAN DOES KILL MICROOGARNISMS (BIG WORD DUDE!) EVERY TIME I EXHALE OXYGEN..  FROM NOW ON IM JUST EXHALING THE HERB SMOKE. (INSTEAD OF DYING A HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEATH THOSE MICROAOGRNAMISMS WILL JUST GET REALLY F-ING BAKED DUDES!!!)

1. BONG HITS IN THE NATI -  SOME DUDES WOULD SAY YOU USE COLD WATER BUT DUDE THE MOLECULARS OF WEED SMOKE JUST TRAVELS QUICKER THROUGH THE HOT WATER - HOT WATER BONG HITS ARE THE BOMB ESPESIALLY IF YOU GOT THE GLASS BONG LIKE SANGER DOES --- 2 FEET HIGH AND HIGHER ON THAT PURPLE DUDE!!!!!!

2. WHERE TO FIND THE GOOD BUD IN THE NATI -- NOW THAT SELL-OUT COUNCILMAN CECIL THOMAS BETRAYED HIS BLACK BROTHERS ON THE STREET CORNERS TO THE WHITE WEED SELLERS INDDORS, PICKINGS ARE SLIM AMONGST BLACK WEED SELLERS AND BRO THE WHITE SELLERS ARE GETTING RICH OFF OF IT. SO JUST ASK YOUR WHITE BUD WHERE HE GOT HIS GREEN BUD!!  (DOUBLE MEANING DUDE.. HAHAHAHAH!!!)

3. OKAY LATER BUDS -- THIS EDITOR JUST SAID I CAN'T ENCOURAGE SMOKING, SO ITS CENSORSHIP TIME.. OF COURSE YOU KNOW HOW OPPRESSED SMOKERS ARE!!   LATER!!!! 420 

2ND DISTRICT - Jean Schmidt, the junior Representative from the 2nd District, who criticized a decorated Marine on the House floor before being booed off of it, who tried to insert herself into a parade without registering, who subsequently stalled her convertible holding up said parade, who was reprimanded by the Ohio Elections Commission for claiming a second bachelor's degree she did not earn, and claiming endorsements she did not have, somehow beat former Congressman and four-time loser Bob McEwen. 

After conceding the race, McEwen had this to say: "Don't worry about me. I'm going to go back home to Virginia and continue on with my honorable lobbying career."

CINCINNATI - Universal Pictures spokesman James Task announced today the possible delay of the production company's next Cincinnati-located film. All previously announced casting sessions and crew hirings have been cancelled. 

The film is the next installment in Universal's The Mummy series, again starring Brendan Fraser. The working title is The Mummy Embarasses Its Home City on a National Stage.

Task explained, "Due to the limited box-office earnings of The Mummy Returns and The Scorpion King, Universal is approaching this project with a limited budget. To keep makeup and costuming costs low, we can't move forward until we know for sure a certain actor will be available to play the gnarled mummy villian. We were surprised yesterday to find that the end of her current role was not made final."

Task continued, "We expect her to become available this November, barring voteing 'irregularities' in Clermont County. We appreciate the patience of Cincinnatians as we get this project rolling. We have no intention to 'cut and run' from this movie."