CINCINNATI - After 78 years in Cincinnati, Kahn's announced today that it will pull its meat-packing plant out of the Queen City.

Top Dog, a spokeman for Kahn's talked with employees on Friday when they were notified that there would no longer be sausages to stuff.

"Don't be sad," Top Dog said, "the spirit of meatpacking will always linger in the Queen City."

Kahn's made sure to emphasize that the closing of the plant was not related to the performance of the meatpacking staff.

"Our employees have packed this plant with enthusiasm and quality meat for generations," said Top Dog.

Company employee Lance Johnson agreed that meatpacking often ran in the family.

"Around here," Johnson said, "if your daddy was a meatman, more likely than not you'd become one too."

One employee noted that Top Dog's ears appeared to hang a little lower today and it was rumored that his mask later had to be dry-cleaned free of tears.  

CINCINNATI – Local graphic designer Nils Jorkwad came forward today as the winner of the $265 million Powerball jackpot.

After showing reporters the winning ticket, Jorkwad announced his intentions to "keep it real" by not claiming any of the money.

"I don't want your Powerblood money," Jorkwad said. He then launched into a 20-minute tirade about regressive taxes on the poor.

Jorkwad, a student at the University of Cincinnati, purchased the winning ticket on April 15th at the Corryville Kroger along with a pack of Viceroys and two 40s of Olde English. All were bought with money from his parents' trust fund.

When several bystanders offered to take the ticket, Jorkwad threatened to tear it up. Police calmed him down by buying him several scratch offs. Still, Jorkwad would have nothing to do with the $265 million jackpot and stormed off muttering Decembrists' lyrics.

If you're looking to pry the ticket from his cold, dead hands, Jorkwad drives a black 2005 BMW Mini Cooper with Ohio license plate JRK 497. He was last sighted heading for the Urban Outfitters in Clifton.

Only the journalist team of Mike Boyer and Scott Wartman could report on a topic as mundane as rising gas prices with such passion and vivid imagery that the article is worthy of the top literary award.

Starting on the premise that "Motorists are perplexed and angry" after "lifting their eyes skyward...to signs towering over fuel stations," Boyer/Wartman beautifully and accurately depict the state of confusion of local drivers. Sure, gas prices have been steadily on the rise for years now, and the majority of our oil originates in countries from an unstable region that is getting more unstable by the day, but who would have expected something this?

J.T. Moore of Lakeside Park has a job that requires an exorbitant amount of driving--pizza delivery--and yet just bought a gas-guzzling SUV because he needs a four-door vehicle for his baby boy. We feel for you, J.T. They can put a man on the moon, but they can't build an inexpensive 4-door that gets over 14 miles per gallon. Someday, J.T. Someday.

And finally, comes the woeful tale of Robert Mooney, who thinks that $3/gallon "sucks" so much that he just buys enough gas to get to and from work...for his "late-model Cadillac." That's right, the fuel-efficient, late-model Cadillac.   I guess it "sucks" just enough to bitch to a local paper, but not enough to trade the Caddy in for a used Hyundai Accent.

Soccer balls and school supplies will keep Cincinnati youth occupied until The Banks opens in 2012

Fournier's new blog, "Grandma at The Banks" will concentrate on the good news from what could become a billion dollar boondoggle.  However, Fournier says,  "The media only covers the downside of this wonderful new project".

Fournier's new blog is chronicling the planning and development as well as the regional excitement generated by the planned Banks development.   Some bloggers have accused her of being a puppet of certain County Commissioners, who they claim are pursuing no-bid contracts with developers.  

"Several engineers and developers are visiting The Banks on a daily basis," writes Fournier, "It's starting to feel like Grand Central Station around here what with all the acitivity." 

"The local townspeople often stop and ask me what we will build at the Banks. Some are looking forward to a movie theatre, putt-putt, an old-fashioned video game arcade or a bowling alley.  Whatever it will be, I'm sure we will see plenty of family-fun entertainment, complete with  variety of restaurants, internet cafes, and brewpubs.  Also with condominiums, offices, ATM's, parking garages, a museum and a park, it will become the area's number one destination.  A new day will soon be dawning here at The Banks."

Cincinnati - Rob Portman received the call to the major leagues today as President Bush nominated him to his cabinet as Budget Director. Portman brings with him the following qualifications:

10. Trade attorney at Nealdown, Unzippem, and Blow

9. Has not "outed" a CIA agent

8. Helped pass Central America Free Trade agreement

7. Co-authored book on Shaker furniture

6. Ferret face

5. Never sold ports to the Arabs despite his moniker

4. Law firm once worked for Haitian dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier

3. Still supports Bush despite crazy war

2. Balanced Terrace Park budget by introducing 24x7 speed trap

1. Fiscally conservative southwest Ohio values

 The Terrace Park native vowed that if elected budget director he would institute speed traps across America to balance the budget.

OXFORD - About 15 white supremacists held a protest on Miami University's main campus last week to protest an ACLU panel on immigration reform.  The only problem was that the panel was on Miami's Hamilton campus. 

Eyewitnesses described the protest.  "First, they were yelling and marching in a circle.  No one was really paying attention except for a few vacant stares.  Then the yelling got a little mumbly, 'WHITE POWER! WHITE POWER! ...White..  um.. power! um power!  white! yeah..'"  Then someone mentioned sandwiches and they all left."

Looking past the irony that a bunch of whitey's were rallying for power at Miami University of all places for a minute, the group evidently needs a secretary.  Maybe a low-paid illegal one.

DOWNTOWN - After Wednesday's shooting of activist Kabaka Oba outside of City Hall, eyewitness Jasper Fimplekerns reported to police that Howard Beatty had yelled "Yee-haw!" while opening fire on Oba. 

The next morning, Fimplekerns read that Beatty had once offered a court witness  $50,000 to change his story.  Fimplekerns soon recanted his version of Wednesday's events.

"Come to think of it, Howard Beatty actually yelled 'Eek! Yow!', not 'Yee-Haw!'," Fimplekerns told talk show host Larry Arnette Thursday evening, "Which would make sense. After all, Kabaka had just exited City Hall,  waving a grenade launcher at Howard,  who, by the way, better have my 50 G's left after he pays Ken Lawson's legal fees."

One anonymous witness told reporters that Oba's turquoise 1982 Mustang (license plate: KABAKA) was so ugly, it nearly vaporized Beatty on sight, cryptically adding, "I'll swear it's true.. that is, if the price is right.. cha-ching!"

Beatty's attorney Ken Lawson is reportedly trying to contact this anonymous witness in order to bolster his airtight case for a "self-defense drive-by shooting".

DOWNTOWN- Since their heyday in the 70's, the roller derby has been one of America's most violent sports, with many recorded casualties to men, women and even children.

Proponents of the sport will often claim that roller derby gets a bad rap - that movies like "Rollerball" have exaggerated the violence of roller skating sports - something they are counteracting with their own public relations propaganda campaign.

In fact, The Cincinnati Enquirer and Cincinnati.com recently hired a blogger to blog the "good news" about roller derbies, and the Cincinnati Rollergirls. In a recent blog entry, Roller Derby propaganda blogger Lauryn Bishop noted that the risk of paralysis doesn't worry her as much as "the thought of doing 50 laps".   She has also talked up roller derby as the "fastest growing sport in America".

The Cincinnati Dealer has asked the Enquirer for a full disclosure:   Who hired this blogger to spread roller derby public relations messages?  Does the Enquirer think this is an appropriate blog that falls within the realm of good journalism?  And when will the Enquirer give a full disclosure about Lauryn Bishop's affiliation with the "Roller Derby Preservation Association"?

"In the 1987 movie RoboCop, in a dystopic & crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him. Now, I thought if the same thing happened here, it would be freakin awesome!"  exclaimed Mallory.

"In time, we'll be overrun by a corporate-owned police force and barking ED-209 robots.  I for one welcome our new crime-fighting cyborg overlords." 

CINCINNATI - When President Bush came to Cincinnati on Monday to throw out the Reds Opening Day first pitch, he offered a few kernels of wisdom to Cincinnati's team, specifically on his "strategery in the expectations game".

"You get them to misunderestimate you," Bush told Reds players in his pre-game pep talk, "When I debated John Kerry in 2004, everyone's expectations was so low, nobody thought I'd win a debate.  All I had to do was complete a few sentences here and there.. heh-heh-heh."

Bush advised Reds players to make a laughingstock of themselves in early games, so that opponents would let down their guard in the big games later on.

"Don't worry about winning these piddly little games that don't matter," said Bush, "Go ahead and let the other team score 15-16 runs if you want.   Remember, it's the first impression that counts most.  Later on in the season, when all your opponents are overconfident, just wait for them to screw up and call your teammate's daughter a lesbian. That's when you go in for the kill."