CINCINNATI - A Cincinnati employee recently admitted that he gets "paid big" and doesn't work.

The man, identified only as Milton, came clean in the wake of a recent discovery that a staffer collected $197,000 over the course of 4 years for doing absolutely nothing. 

"Most of the time I just go to the park," Milton said.

City Manager Dave Rager downplayed the incident. "This happens all the time," said Rager, "why is it suddenly news?" 

Milton also claimed that he was able to requisition 170 new staplers through the city's office supply ordering system.

"I bet you dollars to donuts that this isn't donuts we're talking about," Council member Leslie Ghiz said. She also reminded reporters that her name does not rhyme with "whiz".

Milton said he is looking excitedly forward to his automatic 5% raise and new responsibilities, whatever they are, in 2006.

By Anonymous (great lover and respecter of God, Allah, The Bible, The Koran, Mormons, Masons, The Dead Sea Scrolls, Simon Cowell, Family Values, The Age of Aquarius, Little Fairies, The Guru in Clifton, Jerry Parker, Sparko, loads of Saints, and Tinkerbell.)

Ms. Patricia Cake, formerly of the Cincinnati Dealer, has been slapped with a fatwa after a crude drawing she created made its way into the hands of local Shriner Chapter 310.

"The Shriners will not allow this blasphemy to go unpunished," stated Mitch Mulligan, Grand Poobah of the 50-man lodge. "Anyone who laughingly depicts our members driving around in their little cars with their great big hats will not live to see another parade.  Long live PBR!"

Ms. Cake reportedly approached the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Department when she learned that her life was in danger. Simon Leis had little sympathy for the satirist. "If this is her idea of ‘journalism,’ mocking some of our most honored institutions, well, then, I guess she’ll just have to deal with the consequences on her own."

My name is Blaine Chowder and I am addict.

I am addicted to oil. The President told me so.

I first realized I had a problem during the Presidents State of the Union Speech last week. Since then I have been reeling over my struggles with this horrible addiction. I have been frantically seeking a methadone-like treatment that would wean me off this sludge that I have been unconsciously thirsting for since the day the DMV took my picture for my drivers license.

To get to the bottom of my problem I researched 12-step-programs in the hope of finding one that best suited my needs. I found 12-steps for marijuana, nicotine, rape, incest, borderliners, compulsive disorders, spenders and scores of others. But nothing for oil addiction.

12-step-programs originated in Akron, Ohio in the mid 1930's by AA (Alcoholic Anonymous)founders Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson who were also co-founders of the Oxford Group. I figured the next course of action should be to call them.

Personals

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Charles Anthony Jones, 37, had a really, really, really bad day last week.

In less than an hour, police say he managed to break into his girlfriend's home, shoot her, beat up a man living there, put the woman in his car, lead police on a high-speed chase, hit a municipal truck injuring three workers, crash his car causing his girlfriend to be thrown over a guardrail and his car to catch on fire, get tased several times, before finally shooting himself in the head.

He is listed in critical condition.

LOWER PRICE HILL - Following the successful results from buying a troublesome house in Price Hill, city officials announced that they will move the plan forward by buying all the houses in Price Hill.

"This is a great crime-fighting initiative," said Mayor Mallory.  "By razing everything in Price Hill, the crime rate is sure to drop."

"Next, we'll expand the program by buying everything around Washington Park, including the school, but we'll do it through a quasi-private entity so as not to arouse any conflict of interest. I love this plan!"

DOWNTOWN - City and community leaders met on Monday over growing concerns about gun violence and drugs.

"It's going to take each and every one of us out in the community to get down, roll up our sleeves, buckle down, sit down and listen," said City Councilmember Laketa Cole.

After several muffled nods in agreement, everyone in attendance formed a big circle, placed their hand on the back of the person in front of them, and started patting.

Experts agree that after a few more of these meetings, the violence problems should go away on their own.

By 5chw4r7z
Guest Columnist

Not wanting to be outdone by the Ammons United Methodist Church, downtown resident 5chw4r7z organized the 1 Man March last Thursday. As his wife went out with freinds to the The Bacchanalian Society wine tasting, He realized that nobody was going to do anything for him and he would be responsible for his own entertainment for the evening.

"I was one of those people who looked at the news as entertainment. I would turn it on every night to see if something had happened," 5chw4r7z said. But after seeing news of one shooting after another, he said, "I realized that one day that something that happens is going to be me landing in one of those boxes." So he organized a march to McFaddens to drink his blues away. While being wildly optomistic about getting enough particapation for the march he was surprised when he met the goal of having one old pasty white guy (himself) march to McFaddens and pound down brews all night.

CINCINNATI - Chalk up another one for the man as he has managed to parlay energy into a fat profit for Cinergy and partner, The Duke Energy Company. Last years $490 million dollar profit sent corporate CEO’s and their bitches into a euphoric tizzy when the final tally was posted.

James E. Rogers, chairman and CEO, said that he is ecstatic about increase in profits and expects even a bigger year next year. Company shares spiked from $2.18 to $2.46.

"I am sure that next year will be even more profitable. I plan on building a modest 73 million dollar, 27 million square foot mansion in Clifton. Of course, only after I use eminent domain to evict Clifton residents will I build my new home. I assure you that I will do everything by the book when I put those poor bastards out on the streets."

10. Cindy Sheehan getting arrested in the gallery for wearing a protest t-shirt under her clothes.

9. Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich) mouthing the word fucker to a colleague.

8. Senator Mike Crapo (D-ID), I only mention his name, because of it.

7. An Army General standing behind the Supreme Court Justices inadvertently threw a forearm to the head of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas in attempt to shake the Presidents hand.

6. George Bush and his constant battle with the word Nuclear.

5. The bloated carcass of Ted Kennedy.