DOWNTOWN – Strong Mayor Mark Mallory decided to flex his muscles by sending the police after the many truants who use the Public Library of Cincinnati and Hamilton County as their personal playground on the road to perdition. Last Thursday’s morning raid netted an estimated 40 offenders, and put tiny smiles on the faces of fed-up Library staffers and grown-up patrons alike.

"I dunno what the hell these cops doin’ here harassin’ me like this!" commented one truant as he was dragged away from one of the many library computer terminals. "I got business on the internet, man! And I’m supposed to be meeting my girl here at 12:30!"

"Yeah!  Like how would you like it if someone told you what to do all day?" added another student caught up in the dragnet.  "Like this is violating my rights or something! You know what I'm saying!"

In response to this grave injustice against inner-city adolescents, City Beat prepared an outraged article with the word "Racism" in the title, until reminded that Mr. Mallory himself is indeed an African-American.

It was a tragic Christmas Eve at Roselawn Legacy Banquet Hall, when a teen dance shooting left one dead and concerned parents wondering: "How could this happen?  How can we prevent it?" 

Now, after an in-depth city investigation, it's quite clear why gun violence broke out.  The promoter never filed a dance permit. 

"And why would they?" asked Cecil Thomas, Chairman of Cincinnati's Law and Public Saftey Committee.  "It's a minor misdemeanor - that's right, just a $100 fine for having a dance without a permit."

But if Thomas has his way, a first-time violation will result in a fourth-degree misdemanor, or up to 30 days in jail.  It's what proponents say is a surefire way to curb future permit-free dances - and therefore gun play.

"Yeah, I pretty much stay away from dances with permits," admitted Tri-State gang-banger Anfernee Wilson, who did not give his name, but we read it off his gold-monogrammed 20-inch tire rims.  "I mean, why cause chaos and bloodshed for no reason?  As long as the city of Cincinnati is getting their $50 permit fee - I'm cool with it."

AVONDALE - Xavier assistant basketball coach Kenya Hunter was arrested Saturday night in Mt. Adams and charged with a DUI. Fans of both teams celebrated the arrest as a sign that UC will transfer its drunk thug image to Xavier.

"It'll be nice to have a team that's somewhat feared, because one of the players might tape someone to a chair and torture them, or drive into the Ohio river all drunk," said Xavier business major Thaddeus Applesmith. "Maybe we can get out of the A10 into a real conference now."

"We were running out of players and coaches to commit DUIs, so I'm pleased to see Xavier pick up the slack," said UC head coach Andy Kennedy. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go convince a six-foot-four tennis player to please join the basketball team."

CINCINNATI - An anti-abortion rally that drew 400 people Saturday attracted 100 times more press coverage than the event deserved from local media such as the Cincinnati Enquirer, WCPO, and the Cincinnati Dealer.

The 400 marchers who descended on downtown consisted of 260 men, 89 women past their child-bearing years, 40 bible school kids who couldn't spell abortion, and an abortion-hating dog.

DOWNTOWN - Mark Mallory's brief time as mayor has already seen positive changes.  Last week's City Council meeting clocked in at 6 minutes.  The previous meeting lasted only 12 minutes.  Of course, it helps now that there are no council members talking about themselves for 15 minutes *cough* Reece *cough* Smitherman *cough*.  In fact, it is not known if anyone said anything at all.

At the end of the meeting, an astounded Vice Mayor Jim Tarbell asked, "Mr. Mayor, isn't there something else we can talk about?" When informed "No," Tarbell decided to kill some time by doing an Irish jig on top of his table.

By Harold, Editor-In-Chief

(Owner of a silver Porsche & Clever as all get-out)

1. How old are you?
2. What sex are you?
3. Do you drink Jaeger?
4. Do you drink lots of Jaeger? Smoke pot? Drop acid?
5. Do you enjoy having impaired judgement?
6. Would a Rod McKuen LP turn you on?
7. Have you ever seen the flick "Sex Kittens Go to College?" 
8. Are mechanical robots and their dogs part of your repertoire of sexual fantasies?
9. Do you lust after journalists?
10. Have you ever "known" an internet-journalist in the Biblical sense?
11. On which side of town do you prefer to get your jollies?
12. Do you enjoy playing cornhole in the buff?
13. Have you ever been in a pornographic movie?
14. Is your phone number unlisted?
15. Can you contact me at the following email address: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ?

Thank you for participating in the Cincinnati Dealer’s 1^st Annual Sex Survey.

Note to Reader: You cannot catch a disease by participating in this survey.

CINCINNATI - In the wake of the last six weeks, in which three police officers have been shot, Cincinnati police and public officials vowed to start killing people again.

"If an officer pulls a gun out of a holster and we have citizens complaining, we apologize to you ahead of time," said Fraternal Order of Police (FOP) representative Kathy Harrell.

"When you've been on the job for years, you develop that sixth sense, and ... it allows you to act on that hunch. Many times you are right," said City Councilman Cecil Thomas. He added, "Some of the time, anyway."

The next riot due to the shooting of an unarmed citizen by a police officer is scheduled for June 13, 2006 (weather permitting).

Thanks for dumping your unsolicited product at our doorsteps, but we're not interested. Come back and pick this crap up.

Sincerely,

Everone in my apartment building

CINCINNATI - On January 11, 2006, the Enquirer published the weakest article in the paper's storied history: "Starbucks Plans Second Drive-thru Here." The article, which tells how Starbucks is opening yet another location, scored a record 9.87 on the Weakometer (wee-KOM-eh-ter).

These quotes from the article were flagged in the Weakometer's analysis:

"In the summer (of 2006), we are planning to open a drive-through in the West Chester area," said Keith Stewart, regional marketing manager.

Though Starbucks has offered breakfast sandwiches at some outlets throughout the nation, there are currently no plans to sell them at Greater Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky stores, officials said.

The previous record holder was the spectacularly banal "Pancakes Nourish, Entertain Children," published in the Enquirer April 14, 2004.

Slipping from second to third place was "Anna Nicole Smith Comes to Kirstie Alley's Defense" (July 29, 2004).